Yum Yum in Thailand.

Old Knudsen was reading a post from the confusingly named Me! and was reminded about the time he was to go to Thailand for a holiday, my three friends were there awaiting my arrival, now I know what you're thinking, Old Knudsen is into diddling young kids, well how wrong you are my so-called friends, the three gentlemen waiting for me are respectable professionals, a teacher, a priest and a doctor, have you ever heard of any of them buggering kids? no I didn't think so.
My trip was after 11/9 so I had to go through humiliating searches and questions, yeah yeah its for my own safety, you used to be able to buy big bottles of Aspirin in the Mr Pound shops, but for my own safety they stopped selling them and now I have to either go to a chemist or take paracetamol which is crap so fuck off and put cocaine back into coca cola.

Well I was walking bare footed trying not to look guilty of anything but when the fuckers look at you all the impure thoughts and bad things you've ever done surface in your mind, the Badger baiting, cockfighting (fuck my dick got sore) and the Russian roulette parties, remember that rash of suspicious suicides a few years back? I must of looked guilty because instead of grabbing the Ragheads in the platform shoes they got me, fucking Peelers, asking me all the stupid questions under the sun, they held me for three hours, giving me full body cavity searches which really aren't that bad, they for some reason kept harping on about my 4 suitcases that were packed with sweets, my friends asked me to bring them over, sweet tooths (or is it sweet teeth?) I said fuck it, all I wanted was to meet my mail order bride, I had to send the last one back as she wasn't from Thailand, she had made in Kong Hong stamped on her arse and its not like you can tell them apart, only kidding, not about telling them apart, like Dolly the sheep they are all clones that look the same, no, my wife at the time objected to the mail order bride idea, she was one of those repressed women types who always had headaches when Old Knudsen wanted to get his freak on, look at my picture, what woman wouldn't want a bit of that? I've turned women into Lesbos because no other man can compare to Old Knudsen.

I didn't make it to Thailand, as for my friends, they got into some sort of trouble over there, maybe I shouldn't have told the police where they were staying.

Crocodile Hunter Death Hoax.

Old Knudsen was in the bar watching the Ultimate Fighter the other night, well actually it was Billy one ear who caught up with a couple of peace activists, those shite-hawks, they said the war on terror was illegal and Britain should be ashamed for being puppets for America, my hackle was up, it's not called 'Great' Britain for nothing and I fought the Mexicans at the Alamo so those fuckers could spike their hair and wear fishtails with peace signs painted on them, Jimmy should refuse to serve twats like that, these wankers weren't taking my hint that I was broke and needed another pint, how many times do you have to tap your glass on the counter and sigh? so I made the point that then they must be 'for' terror if they were against the war and if that was the case, meet my friend Billy, those wee fuckers can sure run but don't underestimate Billy when hes chasing his beer money down the street, it did indeed end in tears and several more rounds.
Speaking of ending in tears, the grandson of Benny Mussolini wants the fascist dictator's body exhumed to find out how he died, exhumed? is that not what Clinton failed to do with the pot?, how can a man run a country when he can't even smoke pot correctly? away and toss into a sink bendy dick, where was I ? oh yeah I was digging up Mussolini, well it wouldn't be the first time, famous skulls go for big bucks if you know who to talk to. I'm no doctor of medicine, if Mr Eater was here he may back me up on this, but being shot and then hung from the neck in front of an angry mob that wants you even more dead may be an attributing factor in the death of Benito Mussolini, this grandson, 'Guido', no shit a wop called Guido, you don't know how happy this makes Old Knudsen, is 69 and should move on, a stiffy in the trouser is worth two in the ground, times a wasting, Mussolini's grandaughter Alessandra does not want the body dug up, now Old Knudsen knows these Italians, I've seen many of them run like rabbits from me and Monty in North Africa as we charged them on our white steeds sabers drawn to the sound of Gary Owen, I wouldn't be surprised that Alessandra and heh heh Guido, aren't having a lovers spat out there in public, fucking toilet drinkers, and to all those people who say, "well he did make the trains run on time", fuck off you knob ends.

If I could get anyone alive in the prime of their lives for cage fights but with the same initials who would I get?

George Formby vs George Foreman

Bruce Springsteen vs Britany Spears

Arnold Schwarzenegger vs Alistair Sims

Boy George vs Bob Geldof

Michael Jackson vs Michael Jordan (armed with a club with nails in it)

Dr Miriam Stoppard vs Old Knudsen(armed with Viagara and KY warming sensations gel)

My game my rules, heh heh. I really want to see that George Formby take a beating, I hate that Yuka, Ukule, that banjo playing screaming little pansy, stay tuned all you click next Bloggers and Old Knudsen will rattle his attic for more matches.


Rest in peace Stevo you crazy Aussie, no more rubbing mustard on animal's bungholes for ratings.

Golden Rule, clean your tool.

I was enjoying my weekly e-mail from Fat Sparrow, as usual she had been drinking and telling me of all the famous people she had banged back in the day, she didn't realize that David Frost was such a big name in Britain otherwise he would have got more than just a pity diddy wank, there 'is' a reason I've been telling her that her web cam doesn't work at my end, oh the horror , then she goes on to say about if I don't get funnier with my posts she'll cut off my link, Sparrows look so cute but can be very brutal, as with all her other mails this one ended talking about her woman parts, Herpes and flare up was mentioned.

Old Knudsen had to do a search on herpes, I could only find a crescent shaped rash on the base of my penis, not sure if its herpes though, I needed a medical expert, I called Billy one ear, he was a doctor of sorts, he had his own home service lipo suction business, it was featured on Crimewatch, you know you really have to be careful just who you let into your home.

Billy warned me that Americans are infested with Herpes, its one of the many viruses that Bill Gates passed on to the computers when he was making them. Gavin has told me about downgrading porno pictures on the Interweb and getting viruses, but I heard if you clean your keyboard afterwards you'll be safe, sometimes it really needs itttt oops the ttt keeps stticking, that manmuck gets everywhere, that Dr Miriam Stoppard , I'd like to cut and paste all over that one alright.
Billy warned me that herpes can arc like electricity so I had better make sure the shoe I wore had a rubber shoe, he then went on to tell me that he was going down the Kings Road today and some guy rear ended him, I hung up on the dirty bastard, he doesn't even have a car.

My sister Muriel had the herpes, during the war the American G.I.s that would want to date my sis kept giving me Hershey bars to keep me happy, that got them a dry hump at her, nylons and ciggarettes that's when we made the big bucks, and Muriel was a hard wee worker, always ready to please, that all stopped when I had to go and fight Hitler, that wee fucker was a biter, anyway a Canadian airman got Muriel up the duff and had to marry her, well it was the polite thing to do, and you know those Canadians, thank the lord it wasn't a Yank.

Anyway get one of those rubber keyboard covers if you don't want to catch anything, and if Fat Sparrow wants you to connect to her web cam, for the love of God say no.

Dust in the Wind or Shit in the Sea?.

A giant lobster was caught up in the North-east of Scotland, it was 2 foot long and wieghed 10lb, the experts think it could be anywhere between 20 and 50 years old.
Members of a local diving team, have known of the Lobster for years and even named it Crusty, as in a dirty student or my cock.
Now there are places where you can release lobsters and its illegal to fish for them there, like sanctuaries, but don't worry folks, this story has a happy ending, the fisherman sold it to a hotel and they cooked it, they said it was tasty and they got four helpings, now Old Knudsen is a bit of an environmentalist and I believe in protecting animals so I was happy to hear they are keeping the claws and shell for display, I'm thinking of making this into a children's book, oh look Crusty a Jacuzzi, "help me, I'm melting", now meet your friend, stick of butter, don't worry, you'll end up back in the sea eventually , wheres Nemo?, fuck Nemo, he can't help you now.

Blair Enders.

All you hear in politics is yapping about when Tony Blair is going to leave office, well Old Knudsen is here to answer as to what Tony's exit strategy will be, I have a few options as told to be by my insider, (Billy One Ear) if you don't want to know the score don't read.

#1 He'll go on holiday and will return but played by a different person.

#2 He'll grow a set of balls, get some self respect and on his way to phone Bush and tell him that its over he'll cross the road and get knocked down by an American secret service agent and end up in a coma for 2 very long weeks before said agent kills him.

#3 He'll go to work in Brisbane Australia with the orphans and star in a spinoff 'New Labour Down Under' and is replaced by Gordon Brown (texture like sun).

Well Old Knudsen just can't wait, I'll get Billy to keep his ear out for more news.

Actor,Astronaut and Singer, a man of all seasons.

Glenn Ford a famous actor just died aged 90, ask a young un who he was and they won't have a clue, no Gavin he was not the Astronaut nor was he the Country and western singer that got caught drinking and driving, sometimes I wonder about that lad, I think theres air getting in, on behalf of those who knew who Glenn Ford was, Old Knudsen just wants to say, you were still alive?, I thought you died years ago, rest in peace.

Old Knudsen International Playboy

Old Knudsen is going international, there is this nice (although not all there) fellow half way across the world who wants to put a link to Old Knudsen on his website, he said that he has read all of Old Knudsen's fabulous wonders (his words not mine) and has declared that Old Knudsen is the Guardian that the Almighty God has sent to protect the world, well what could old Knudsen say to that?, I really did think I was kind of sent by God and had a special purpose and of course am better than all you Plebs, its just nice to hear someone else say it.
We swapped e-mails for a while, I mean I have to be sure hes not some nut case, Old Knudsen has a reputation to maintain, the guy doesn't like Jews much, I think he was bitten by one when he was a child, well no one is perfect, well except from Old Knudsen of course.

I was in the middle of one of my e-mails when a guy wearing sunglasses and speaking with an American accent came to fix the phone, an hour later another fella from the states wearing sunglasses came to fix the telly, I didn't even know it was broken, they must have some chip in them that tells them, anyway I suppose the reason a lot of yanks are about is because of America's piss poor economy, the reason they wear the sunglasses and hearing aides is because most people over there can't afford healthcare, its sad that young men have such problems, its great to live in a civilised country that looks after it's people, see what happens when you rebel against the King?, you won't be doing that again.

Anyway,I looked up the country he was from, it's name 'Iran' means 'Land of the Aryans', but its alright, I've seen a picture of him, hes a coloured chappy, probably a pakkie so I don't think hes a Nazi, even though he dislikes Jews, I fought the Nazis in the jungles of Burma so the Jew boys could be free, what did old Knudsen get?, not one ounce of Jew gold, just dysentery but at least they got their own country. I told my new friend Mahmoud that he could put up the link, and stop calling me 'Oh great one', please, lord Knudsen of the singing truth will do, I knew once I got on to the Interweb I would be discovered.