Come And Get Yer STD While Its Hot.

Old Knudsen gets to gloat over the misfortune of others yet again or Schadenfreude as we call it in the Fatherland.

I'm only gloating because I am right, who would of thought that these two kids with good jobs and good futures ahead of them with the sparkle in their eyes of a dream and from the cocaine would end up splitting up? well me ya silly twats, I called it in one of my other posts on divorce 'Rambo's Rimjob Roid Rage' , below is the comment to Nuggetmaven that spelled doom for Pamela and Kid Rock, what a silly name by the way, who names their kid 'kid'?
I am still amazed that Shatner is still alive after I claimed he had died, well hes not getting any younger.

Next!

I've added and changed some of the reviews on the right since one of you fuckers somehow stole half of them, if you aren't on it you aren't trying hard enough, or I've forgotten, well there was a lot.


nuggetmaven: its a tongue twister alright, I also predict failure for any marriages that involve Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, Angelina jolie and Liza Minelli, no brainers, and why is Hilary still with that sink wanker? she should cut him loose and live with me. October 30th 2006

Why The System Fears Hoodies.

A few years back I lived in England, Sasenachs all around me with their silly accents and soft ways. The area I lived in was a little bit rough but tame compared to Scotland of course.
The war of terror against the Muslims was still on then, soldiers were eyeing up anyone with a sun tan or a bandaged head wound and the Government was abusing it's power in the name of national security.

Only one group of people stood up against the system, Robin the hoodie and his band of merry men, formerly a cabaret act, playing the castles and working men's clubs, now as a band of outlaws they thwarted King John's plans to raise the tax on tobacco and alcohol by stealing from the rich and keeping it because they were poor, in Robin's usual drunken state it all made sense.

Whoa like lady dude, I'm totally Robin Hood, can't you tell by my accent?


King John was keeping the throne warm for his brother Richard. Richard wasn't much of a king, he had a near fatal heart attack with led him to be transplanted with the heart of a lion, as he recovered he found religion and went off to the middle east to behead and convert (in that order) anyone that wasn't Christian and to keep Jerusalem Camel Jockey free as little baby Jesus would have wanted .

I almost joined Robin and his merry men, I did the odd ambush in which we covered ourselves in leaves , swung from the trees while laughing and slapping our thighs in glorious technicolour winning the day, though in Autumn with the falling leaves it was a little bit harder, but that was our plan and the only one we could think of.

Robin being the lead singer never had a shortage of chicks around the camp, Marion and Guinevere were always at each others throats and Robin would sit and watch with glee, then it would end in a magic mushroom fueled orgy with Robin, Marion, Guinevere and Glee who mostly liked to watch.


Michael Praed as Robin in the TV series, before he was assassinated at his own royal wedding in Falcon Crest.

The merry men were not very merry, well Will Scarlet was definitely a Mary, he had changed his name from Will Flaming and was a proper dandy, to get him into a blood rage all you had to say was "did you see the look that soldier gave your shoes?" within seconds that soldier had his eyes scratched out and tuffs of his hair missing.

Little John had issues, a big 7ft tall fella like him and only a little cocktail sausage of a willy, God has a wicked sense of humour alright.
One time John came over to me and whipped out his lad " look at this and tell me what you think" he said, I looked at the sad little thing and tried to reassure him,"it doesn't matter what size it is when its soft and limp all you do is pee out of it ", his eyes welled up and he turned and ran off, I heard him mutter inbetween sobs,"that was my biggest boner yet".

Friar Tuck had deep physiological problems too, his love of boys and the church was in conflict, usually a man of the cloth does whatever he wants and everyone but him gets the blame but tuck had a conscience, well more than most, in his pain he would over eat and then throw it back up in guilt and disgust at himself , he was thoughtful in the respect he always threw up in the pig's trough,"waste was a sin " he would say as he wiped his mouth.

I got a little bored with this band of brigands, and will was starting to look quite attractive in a certain light so being a man who believes in the law I went to the sheriff of Nottingham and touted on the lot of them for a pardon.

Jason Connery (son of Sean) took over from Praed showing that Robin Hood went blonde long before Bond did though the connection and the fact that Jason also played Ian Fleming totally bends my shite.

After serving time in prison Robin and Glee were drafted into the army to rid them of their hippy ways, you may have heard of the Yabba Do prison torture scandal, well that was them.
Marion and Guinevere being ladies were forced to become nuns and now munch rug for God.
Little John liked prison life, though his lad was tiny he had really well defined buns of steel and became a catcher not a pitcher, to promote prison harmony he was given a longer sentence.

Friar Tuck took his computer to PC world to get it repaired, he then got charged with having kiddie porn on it but the church got him off and now he lives in Spain where anything goes, aboard his pleasure boat El Cid with 3 young Moorish Friends, Michael, Roger and Patrick, and though you can sometimes hear the after dinner splashing of overboard boaking hes lost a lot of weight and is happy with himself as a Godless Pedo.

Some twat that fancies himself as Robin Hood, if you read this twat, punch yourself in the balls.

Will Scarlet met Ivan the Ho while in jail and now live in Bristol together and became Mr and Mr Maroon, probably no relation to the good Doctor.

I got a Knighthood and a small piece of land called Tyne and Wear, more silly accents, I ran that place into the ground before Richard the Lion hearted Frog who couldn't speak a word of English, and only used England to raise money to war against the Muslims came back in the last 5 minutes of the movie and chased me off.

Never fear, if this post is a hit I may come back in the sequel as a time traveling Cyborg (its all true you know) and kick his arse.

Dead Nigger Storage.

I've seen Seinfeld on Sky TV now and again, didn't think too much of it, I like that little slutty woman Elaine but that freaky looking tall fella Kramer something about him makes me want to stick a fucking fork up his arse and hang him from a tree, no not really very shocking when I say it now is it?
Michael Richards (Kramer) went all KKK on a couple of black hecklers while he was doing a stand up routine.

I watched the clip on the link over at Taihae's blog and I saw warnings about how bad it was and the reaction from others, sure it was bad, and over the top but if you live in the real world you've seen it all before, it was just surprising coming from him.
Richards used the word 'nigger' quite a few times, not one I use myself but quite effective if you are looking to insult someone.
The heckler retorted with cracker which I suppose would be the black version of nigger, a typical American encounter with chest beating and loud name calling, all those glasses in the place and not a one used to shut the other up, the heckler went on to say about Richard's career or lack of it after Seinfeld, I don't think he has to worry about that now, the 3rd world baby craze and celebrity divorce trends are ended, Kramer just did a Mel, end of a career or just the start.


Kramer on one of his many racists rants.

Rappers and fan of Rap are morons, the word nigger has been spelt nigga and is now ok to call a black person, well as long as you yourself are black also, its a racist thing you see, if you can't share the word nigger with the rest of the class then no one should have it. Look how stupid it is, nigga gangsta and pimp are cool things to call yourself, I'm sure that Martin Luther King fella and Malclom X are so proud.

Old Knudsen isn't a racist, I hate everyone no matter what you are so fuck off, I will address the issue and not tiptoe around it.

Richard Todd and Michael Redgrave bird spotting, for bonus points name one of Old Knudsen's favourite films that starred Richard Todd as a bitter Scotsman and Ronald Reagan as who cares he couldn't act, lay off the google ya cheats.

The 1954 British film The Dam Busters staring Richard Todd and Michael Redgrave was about a plan to bust open 3 German Dams and flood all the munitions factories below, the cool part was is that they used ball like bombs to bounce across the water and hit the dams. 8 of the 19 Lancaster bombers didn't return, the death toll on the German side was was 1300 German civilians and 500 slave labourers from the Ukraine. The reason why I'm mentioning this was that Richard Todd had a dog named 'Nigger' at one point he went around shouting,"Nigger Nigger", poor wee thing got knocked down, by whitey no doubt.

The 1968 film the Scalphunters I recall Burt Lancaster (as in the bomber and the town) called Ossie Davis 'nigger'.

I believe that nigger has more power than the words cunt or fuck not just because of the history it implies but because its been given power by those that don't want to aknowledge the problem too busy trying to get along and not offend with their PC terms like person of colour or Native American, I call a spade a spade no pun intended but its what we are, if you try to boil people down to just people well that's not going to work,"so madam did you see the two people that mugged you?" " yes officer they were two humans as I refuse to see them as anything else".

Whats the final solution? (joke intended) education, sure it won't work for the old coke head has been on stage but to those who look up to 50 cent or ludicrous it is much needed, if the schools can't help self help, go learn for yourself its easy, I know some people feel trapped in their life by their environment but theres always a bus out of town.

I was going to put up a post on wanking and the big dump I had at B&Q (the DIY shop) the toilets were closed for cleaning but they had a bathroom suite on display, I'm sure if you go in you can get it for cheap.
And if any Doebag asks how does an old Scot know about 50 cent and Ludicrous, well its a wee thing called the interweb, try it sometime ya slack jawed cunt.
The moral of this post is, you hecklers, shut your fucking mouths and watch the show, and if I see you in the cinema shouting at the movie and spoiling my enjoyment I'll beat you to death with my wooden leg in a very unracist way. there let the angry comments begin.

Don't Shoot Till You See The White Of It's Horn

The Britsh army on maneuvers in Kenya.

The cover story
This week British troops while on military exercise in northern Kenya got lost in the bush at night and stumbled across an endangered white rhinoceros, it was mostly endangered because it thought it would be a good idea to charge at these soldiers, always ready to fuck someone up the troops shot it.
It couldn't have been the slightly less endangered black rhino oh no that would be racist.


The real story
Back in the day there was so much game in Kenya, the expression "you got game" came from there, people were having white rhino burgers and steaks all over the place but I was going through my join a cult vegetarian phase so no meat for me, I used to look out at the herds of white rhinos and think "I wonder what they taste like" Thankyou British Army the cheque is in the mail.

The cover story
2001: The British military apologised for invading Spain over the weekend by mistake, 20 Royal Marines got slightly off course and stormed a Spanish beach near Gibraltar, they only halted the burning of the village of La Linea when police and fishermen told them it was Spain, the soldiers believed the fishermen as everyone knows they are trustworthy fellows.

The real story
Sometimes even the Royal Marines just need to lie on a Spanish beach and soak in the rays, surely it must of seemed odd that they invaded in Speedos and 6 packs of lager.

Hot Sex Midget Orgy.

Tom tries out his Jedi mind powers, "you do not see that I'm getting fat, these are not the Stars you are after", one question how does he manage to walk in those heels?

Just to be consistent I am mentioning the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, I fully expect to be able to tie it in with the divorce post I'll do about them within the next 3 years.
They got married in a medieval town in Italy, that means no running water, no cable and a brutal feudal system that doesn't think twice about beheading any paparazzi that don't bow to the High Cruise-ness.
The guests included Richard Gere animal lover extreme (gerbils) Jennifer lopez with the arse most men want for Christmas, Jim Carrey the most original funny man of all time (check that statement for sarcasm) David Beckham who is very pretty and can kick a ball, accompanied by his skinny skanky slapper spice wife, Roberta Armani who is the niece of someone famous and Brooke Shields who actually had to try acting by going around looking happy, Tom met her before the wedding and said " thankyou for taking the time to come to my wedding" then a quick photo op and not another word was spoken by them, Tom did mutter to one of his Scientology minders "keep that crazy bitch in line".
The ceremony was performed of course by a scientology minister, and so probably is as real as my wooden leg, the couple were dressed in silver space suits and the theme to Star Wars was played, when asked,"Thomas Cruise intergalactic lord and former big movie star, do you take this earthling as your 3rd wife, till divorce my you part " tom raised his hand and gave the Vulcan salute and said,"nanu nanu". When asked if she took this space God with the laser beam eyes and the views of an idiot as her lord and master Katie broke down in tears, until her scientology handler answered yes for her.

Tom and katie laugh as Tom uses his finger to zap a reporter.

Ah the happy couple, whats with the downgrade Tom? shes no Nicole, and whats with the marrying a rich crazy fucker Katie? I'm sure your career would have eventually taken off, maybe the rent was due and its not like marriage is forever or anything, has Suri started to levitate stuff yet? remember only happy thoughts, Scientology is good, you don't want to be sent to the corn field by a 7 month old.

The title is because this post is shite so I thought I'd have fun be seeing how many Germans I could trap when they search for the title.

Update: thanks to the title there is now a pack of dirty shites reading my blog, Egypt shame on you and your animal sex search, um unless you're a conservationist or something then it might make sense.

Tastes Like Teen Spirit.

Damn you Captain Birdseye, you and your promise of battered cod and breadcrumbed Fish Fingers always got the best children to crew your boat. I will see you in Hell sir, good day.


From the Urban Dictionary:

Captain Birdseye

A pedophile who lives on an island with kids.

Yarr kiddies its the fish finger pinchers com ere me hearties grab
hold ov me mast an quick check me cannon balls. Giv em a gd ol
rub oooo yehh.

Burma This Is Your Last Warning.

It seems they hand out medals for bastardly cuntiness in the face of your own people.

I have decided to boycott burma, the last time I was there was when me and Errol Flynn were fighting to cut the Japanese supply lines during the second World War, I don't want to talk about it, but anyway he was a lovely looking man wasn't he? sure he couldn't see why having sex with under age gurls and boys was wrong if their culture said it was ok, he was kinda selfish like that, it was sad to see his movie star looks fade with age drink and drugs but there you have it, its bound to happen to us all some day.

One of Old Knudsen's favourite films is Captain Blood.

Old Knudsen now gets Political and angry.
Since the early 90's a General Than Shwe has been the dictator of Burma, hes a real wanker, you know I haven't met a dictator I have yet to like. Than Shwe and his junta have put a third of the countries money into its military, he renamed Burma, Myanmar and Rangoon its former capital Yangon, now this really pisses Old Knudsen Off, half the countries in Eastern Europe have all been renamed by someone called Stan and even in India Bombay is called, well I can't remember what they are calling it, cos I'm calling it Bombay.

The new capital city of 'Burma' is Naypyldaw which totally looks like word verfifcation to me. Than Shwe on the advice of his astrologer moved the bulk of his army and himself there on a specific date and time for good luck.

There is no free speech in Burma and even to give interviews expressing anything other than the crap of the junta means imprisonment and torture many times death, government mobs will follow democracy activists down the street and kill them, one fellow was hit by steel ball bearings fired from a catapult into his face then beat with bamboo sticks and finally had his head crushed with a rock, sorry to be so graphic but this sort of thing raises my heckle. I don't have vast sums of money, nor am I George Clooney in fact I have a face for radio and not a fine speaking voice,(well I think its fine but no one can understand me accent) I have only this blog to mention some of the shit that's going on there, I would be arrested for this blog if I was in Burma,I know many of you wish I was arrested for it, this happens all over the world not just in Burma, many of the countries we ally ourselves with do this shit. (no I won't mention the secret torture bases George)

General Than Shwe or Number one as he likes to be called cannot stand to hear the name of the thorn in his side being said in his presence. The pro democracy leader Ms (or Dan) Aung San Suu Kyi has been under house arrest in her Rangoon villa since 2003 in isolation, no repairs are allowed to be done on the place and its falling down around her, she is the daughter of general Aung San who won the independence of Burma from the British in 1948.


Burmese soldiers go after the poor ethnic tribes that live out in the jungle areas, they burn villages kill who ever and use rape as a weapon to drive them into Thailand, these people have no passports or papers, and no government will claim them so its alright to do away with them.

Burma has oil, so why hasn't it been invaded yet?

A lot of the tourism is run by the military and also some of the biggest hotels, so nearly all of the tourist millions go straight to the Junta.

I have now put the Old Knudsen 'Stink Eye' onto General Than Shwe, listen to me you plastic licking monkey fiddler, I am watching you and your days are numbered, you're done, "by the power of Gray skull, you are the weakest link fuck off".