World's Oldest Woman...... Sex On A Stick

Welcome again to the world of competitive dying, this lovely young sex kitten from Indiana has just turned 115. Edna Parker is over 110 years-old so like me she is a supercentenarian only 76 of us alive right now .

Scientists are studying the other 75's DNA as I told them to go fuck, worse than Mormons those bloody Scientists waking me up at 1pm indeed.

Edna who has been a widow since 1938, was born in 1893 (same numbers, spooky) has outlived two of her sons. She says her secret to long life is giving plenty of head to old Scottish men , hmm something to think about.

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Sunday Service

Pastor Bobby L Rapture of the Faith in Gog First Tabernacle Presbyterian Sanatoria Church of our Lard in Killamory has touched me in places I have never been touched before.

Yes my soul. I thought that being a fallen angel I did not have a soul but it seems if you pretend really hard and keep saying that you do then by gum you have a soul, oh and slaughtering 14 white cocks and drinking a virgin's menstrual blood during a Full moon with the mummified finger of a 200 year-old murderer up yer bung hole has to be done too.

I have a soul, automatic doors open for me, bar-tenders see me and serve me, waiters still ignore me but that's because I don't tip and they are snooty cunts and anonymous bothers to leave rude comments on my news blog. Of course I can still fly, see in the dark and rip a man's head off with a single blow from my super strong fist.

I owe all my inner peace and religious moral superiority to Pastor Rapture.

I was doon and he lifted me up and said, "do you believe in Gog my son?" I looked into his bloodshot milky eyes and said, "Yes I've linked to him but he hasn't posted in ages is Gog still alive and why does he let all these bad things happen in the world?" The pastor laughed, belched and blamed the pepperoni pizza, " Gog has always been here" and he touched my chest where my heart should be (long story) He allows death, rape, famine, disease and reality shows to happen because he doesn't give a fuck, as Gog hath say'th 'judge others and be bitter about it' then all will become clear."

All was clear for I do judge others, mostly because they are cunts, yes I'm talking about you, don't sit their all smug and think I don't know about you, no not you, you, oh yeah yer the kind of person who won't buy self sealing envelopes because you like the taste of the gum and love to spread yer dirty DNA all over the place, you plug in an adaptor and lick the end to get an electrical tingle on yer tongue, you pick yer nose and wipe it on something or flick it and are arrogant enough to think someday in the future a scientist will find it and clone you from it, fuck I hate you but hey thanks for reading.

From now on I shall be more spiritual and loving towards lesser people, just don't breathe on me, and since its Sunday I shall lead you all in prayer for I am the son of Gog.

Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is credit card debt.

Blessed are they that mourn; for the shall be taken advantage of and pity fucked in their vulnerable state .

Blessed are the meek; for they shall never read me .

Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness; for they shall become bitter and jaded.

Blessed are the merciful; for the shall stabbed from behind.

Blessed are the pure in heart; for they shall be easily led.

Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall have their flags burned.

Blessed are they that are persecuted for rightousness sake; for DNA testing shall clear them.

Pastor Bobby L Rapture was born in Kilmartin in 1948. He moved to Arbroath and was disgusted at the sin there. He became active in the bus ministry, an usher and a Sunday school teacher.

Pastor Bobby Rapture accepted Jesus as his personal savior at the age of 21 years old. He received the baptism of the Holy Spirit while having a vision of shaking hands with Jesus for one hour and forty-five minutes.

The Lord then called him into the ministry.

An honest mistake, if you need spirtual guidance e-mail him at

Bobbylover@hotmail.com

He preached part-time at the Glory-hole in Arbroath then became assistant pastor in 1999 and in 2002 became pastor of the Faith in Gog First Tabernacle Presbyterian Sanatoria Church of our Lard in Arbroath when Senior Pastor Eugene Rapture went into semi-retirement.

The church moved to Killamory in 2007 after sex abuse allegations from the Chapel next door.

So anyway does anyone know what this is? it looks like custard but doesn't taste like it.

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I Do Understand I Just Don't Care

Don't worry the weemen will be ok.

I was just thinking the other day that I may not be as self-aware and sensitive as I should be, this is no longer the 19th century, people don't charge into war with a leg hanging off or continue selling blankets to the injuns even when they are sick with smallpox.

Oh no now a paper cut or the cold has you off work and saying the words I'm dying with the [insert malady here] I was once a psychiatrist on a TV show once, it was on for long, just after Donahue.

It was the Dr Knudsen show where I would hear people whine about their pathetic lives, my catch lines were "snap out of it" or "pull yerself up by the boot straps" strange my show got canceled after only 3 episodes.

Like I say some people aren't ready for the truth, if Lucifer went up to God now and said, "you know god those monkeys with souls are tossers, we angels are far better than them" God might be ready to listen instead of giving him the Hell branch of hell otherwise known as the complaints department , you may know Hell by other names such as Wal-Mart, Sears or even KFC.

I joined the army at 16, so I support child soldiers, I don't give a fuck if it isn't a trendy thing to do but not all kids want to be cashiers or doctors. Look above you, diversity in action, a Yank and a Russian weapon fighting side by side. Children are indeed our future.

I commented on another blog about how I asked a bloke how his wife was, he said she had died and they buried her the day before. I told this dooner fella that I just asked a question and I didn't want his life story.

Hey look who it is...................... 'Yer Ma'.

He begrudgingly invited me round for a few drinks cos he hadn't invited me to the wake, he sat their all mopey and wouldn't even get up when I put on some techno, what a sad sack.


Soldiers don't just point their weapons at you because they are cunts, no they are looking doon their sights at you or if it was like me I was a cunt without a scope and would point the weapon and finger the trigger while the rifle was on safety as an OCD thing and also I was gagging to shoot people, I didn't say I was a good soldier........... define good.

He started to look through his photo album with tears in his eyes I don't know what was wrong with the fella, he flew off the handle when I commented on how hot his wife used to be in the pictures and how come she ended up so fat? I had the deck the wanker to put him in his place and I took my drink elsewhere.

You try to cheer people up and all you get is agro.

I say to people, "look I'm an alcoholic, prescription drug dependant, who suffers from depression (which is why I don't read yer blog) with a metal plate in me head, one leg a huge penis and suicidal tendencies oh and I have a blog and you don't see me complain."

People are way too soft, can't go out its raining, can't go to school cos I'm a sex offender, can't think of anything to blog about, can't kill Slavs and Blacks because its wrong, can't read Old Knudsen incase I see something nasty, can't cook food because the microwave is broken.

I walked *ten miles to school* and back everyday, backwards and over Glass shard mountain in bare feet carrying a bag of rocks which was my lunch then I'd do a 28 hour shift doon pit for a thrupp-nee bit a month or a beating you just never knew and you know what? I was grateful cos it could have been worse .

*The school was only 3 doors doon but the walk gave me character or so my father said*


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How Much Spunk Can A Wood Chuck Chuck?

It was a wet morning as I walked the path up to the old Heston place in Killamory. I had been informed that a special reading of a separate will was to be read out there and I had received a nomination for "Best Scotch drinking buddy" I hoped it was drinking Scotch and the yank cunt hadn't just called me Scotch.

The right revered Sean Connery in the Presidio said, "Scotch is a drink I'm a Scotsman."

I reached the front door and grabbed the big knocker, "Oh you saucy git" said Agnes the hoosekeeper as she was coming out, "Just you go in there Mr Knudsen, your expected" I felt her other big knocker and promised her a good going over at the weekend then I when inside to the main study.

Jives the butler was there along with an assortment of other people.

Charlton Heston had met many of these people (including myself) during the making of the film 'Loco Hero' here in killamory and we had remained friends ever since.

He even bought a holiday home in killamory and we'd sit and drink making lists of people to shoot then we'd go and shoot homeless people and gypsies, usually I'd get into trouble for that but Chuck was a star so it was ok .

Other people got the BMW, the cock ring and the .44 Magnum then he got to me. I was the most beloved of God's angels until I told him his arse was big then I was cast out of Heaven and now I was the most beloved of the guy who played God.

Chuck left me one million dollars as long as I vowed to remain bitter and posted three of his favourite pictures in this post.

To be honest I wanted the cock ring but this was pretty good, well until I took the cheque to the bank to get it cashed.
One million American dollars is only worth £100, thats pounds sterling but since I didn't live in Sterling it was only £86 Killamory, if I lived in Zimbabwe I'd be set for life.

America is a Super power? what the fuck? is that supposed to be ironic or something? Like Little John or calling a flight recorder a 'Black Box' when its totally orange?

Well enjoy the pictures and think how many times Chuck has chucked to these with his blunder buster.

I'm off to take my mates out for a drink, yep it'll just be myself.


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The Nixon Years

In my time I've been known as a trouble shooter, if I have any trouble I shoot it.
So after Richard Nixon had his disastrous TV debate with JFK in which he sweated like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs and looked shifty they called me in to do an image make over.
Sort of like Queer eye for the up-tight guy, no I'm not saying I was a poof, queer meant unusual back then and I was unusual in fact I was gay and carefree it was the 60's man slutty stoned weemen and hippy bashing all done with love and peace and a flower in yer hair.

First we gave Nixon a spine operation which stopped his sweating, if he went out into the sun his skin burned like hell but it was a price I was willing to pay.
Some product in his hair and a nickname. Slicky Dicky sounded pervy, I liked it but then I found out about his erectile dysfunction so 'Tricky Dick' it had to be, we said it was because he was crafty but it was an in joke to make us feel superior.
The fact he was a Quaker and could never get his oats was funny as fuck to me and fuck is quite funny.

After getting kicked around by the press for mysterious campaign funding etc his popularity grew when John and Robert Kennedy were shot by crazed gunmen and nothing to do with me and a sniper rifle honest, forget what I said about trouble shooting.

He got elected to the Whitehoose in 68 due to my efforts and my campaign based on Nixon being born in a log cabin in California and wrestling a Communist bear who had cut doon his cherry tree when he was aged only 3, I was kept on as an advisor.

I had some great arms deals going on with the commies back then so I advised Nixon to back off Soviet Russia and China or I'd knee cap him, he was very obliging.

Nixon went to China and paved the way for the Wham visit a decade later, he devised an exit strategy out of Vietnam which involved replacing demoralised American troops with under gunned corrupt poorly trained Vietnamese troops, no wait that's Iraq isn't it?
So do they not teach history in schools in America? cos history seems to be repeating like a cucumber sandwich.

Ever come up with an idea in the wee hours of the morning after a few drinks and wake up the next day and say, "fuck sake what did I do?" well that was Watergate.
The bugging of the Democrat headquarters in the Watergate hotel complex.

Nixon was well into it, he once told me his old Lyndon Johnson stood up and hailed to the chief as the rush of blood from all the excitement rushed to his head, something that hadn't happened in years.

I was getting bored in my job, controlling economies, armies and ordering people killed just wasn't the same as pointing a rifle on a grassy knoll and cracking open the largest head ever, people started getting caught for breaking in and planting the bugs so it was time to go.

People only knew me as Rimjob (Deep Throat was already taken) so I tapped the secret slush fund in Mexico and disappeared.
I saw Nixon on the telly shouting out that he wasn't a crook, he was supposed to shout out he wasn't a cook, it was a joke for fucks sake, fucking yanks never get my jokes.

Nixon resigned in 1974 and was pardoned by Gerald Ford as part of the whole becoming a president deal which stopped Ford from being re-elected leading to the blah years of Carter and hostages held by Iranian students.

I started my 6 year drink and drugs binge in 1977 the same year as Carter was elected . I was on a doonward spiral because of the death of Elvis, fuck man he was the king.

I went to Afghanistan and fought against the Russians with the Taliban or I fought against the Taliban it was all a bit of a haze which one of those bad guys were being funded and trained by the US ?
Ach I do remember that the Taliban had all the chewing gum, chocolate and nylons though, they used to give them to camels for sexual favours.
Ah well its like dealing with the Devil and no good came of it except in 1987 I was sent a Russian medal of valour and it seems I have a statue up in Red square, for fucks sake, what or who did I do?

Not had enough Old Knudsen today? Then Read This

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Mute Monday

All about me.........

The man responsible for Mute Monday

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Theres Something About Hillary

Hillary Clinton had made this comment about how she came under sniper fire when she landed in Bosnia in 1996.

According to her story she and her daughter, Chelsea, had to run for cover as soon as they landed for a visit . Video footage of the day instead showed a peaceful reception in which an 8-year-old girl greeted the first lady.

The video footage is obviously a right wing conspiracy against the Clintons.

Bill has come out and said the media got the facts confused and she told it late one night while tired and apologised for it right after and she was the first first lady since Eleanor Roosevelt to go into a combat zone.

Well Bill was thinking about some hot fat chick in the audience because

1) Hillary told the story several times,

2) never apologised,

3) Pat Nixon and Barbara Bush have been in war zones and hey Laura Bush went to Israel, close enough I reckon

4) Bill said it was 1995 instead of 96.

Bill is indeed a fucker trying to sabotage his wives career because his is over and still looking like a good guy for defending her, typical cycle of abuse pattern, passive aggressive behaviour of a slug not fit to lick out her stench trench.

I'll tell you what happened. In 1996 I was employed by the RIA (Republican Intelligence Agency) no nothing to do with the IRA (Irish Republican Army) though I do believe they may have sent them money for bombs to kill innocent civilians as many Americans of Irish descent have done because they are stupid morons but enough about that.

The rent was due and my tab at the pub was high and acting in porn just wasn't enough because of those fucking streaming videos and YouTubes making videos obsolete.

I was hired to go to Bosnia and assassinate Hillary with full endorsement from Bill. I was under cover as a queer Englishman (is there any other type?) Lord Haw haw of Suchington my name was and I was there to hunt the local wildlife just for the sport of it as shooting unarmed animals from a distance is just so sporting like.

I took my position high on hill on a lonely outcrop where the goat herders stop to have their lunch opposite the airport.

The UN peacekeepers were standing holding their dicks as they usually do cos that's all they are allowed .

I tied a rope around my rifle and around a tree to give me a steady aim and when Hillary stepped off the plane I had her in my sights.

It was the first time I had gotten a really good look at her, sure I had my picture as to who I was to shoot but she was smiling and moving and that's when I fell in love.

My safety was off and my finger was on the trigger, I tried to control my breathing but my heart was beating too fast, could I deny the world of this lovely creature? I don't mind killing ugly fuckers but surely this would be a sin against God.

I couldn't do it I pointed my rifle up in the air and screamed as I discharged my weapon in frustration, a silly thing to do but love has never been a very sensible thing to begin with.

Hillary and Chelsea were rushed to safety and the UN peacekeepers rushed through the paperwork in triplicate and 30 minutes later fired upon my position.

I was long gone and knew I now had to go after the RIA handlers before they sent out deleters to get me, that's probably why you don't hear about the RIA anymore, now they out source to companies like Treadstone and Blackwater, the later who as you may have noticed have had their contract re-newed despite the controversy of civilian deaths in Iraq, funny that.

Like commenters I have to be careful on which jobs I accept as they may be fake spam jobs out to destroy me.

Just because yer paranoid doesn't mean that they aren't, hold on did you just hear a click? oh sorry that was just me typing.

This post was in no way paid by the Clinton campaign, its love that makes me own up. You won't be president but you could be my Queen of the damned.

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