Level 5 Contaminant

So happy looking, well except for that big lardy sad sack at the front, gurn up you're fantastic, it says so on yer shirt.

Years ago I was a wealthy philanthropist and possibly a bit of a philanderer who loved philosophy,philology,philately, Phil Collins and phlegm, yes in that order.
That was back in the time when if you said that someone was special you had better be wearing clean gunties and had washed all the stains and various discharges off yer knob in the last week as you my son were about to get yer hole. Now when you say someone is special it implies they are at a level of understanding and education reserved for window lickers and those who bang on fish tanks to make the fish move and drive a SUV, the later being those fuckers that take up the whole road and think they own it and only fill it up with petrol to show off that they can afford to do so, under no circumstances key these vehicles, egg them or spray paint onto them "DIE YOU PLANET KILLING HOOR" as that would be bad and I'd have the peelers around at me door asking what I've been up too, Interpol have a file on me, all a big misunderstanding I'm sure.

Back in the day instead of mong or tard we would affectionately call Joeys and stupid people alike Spastics and anyone with a dark skin was a Pakkie, simpler times, we'd cheer as John Wayne ethnically cleansed the west with his Winchester rifle and his funny limp wristed walk and hanging criminals (when we weren't sending them to Australia) was a popular event to take the kiddies to.

I invested my money in paint, Asbestos and was a major supplier of lead in the cuntry, you know for swimming pools, church roofs and general plumbing needs. I didn't need to turn lead into gold it was like gold back then, those were the days.

Now don't go thinking I have anything against retards, my 7th wife Fanny from Cornwall spewed me out two of them, very useful wee fuckers I gave them the run of my garden to keep away intruders, one was a biter the other was more of a drooler, I had big hopes for him.
I have funded many an institute for the spastically inclined but then I started to get too big and important and my enemies got uncomfortable and made up all these silly health rules about lead pipes and paint with the sole porpoise to ruin me, fucking sharks the lot of them, they circled around me and none of my so-called chums would help me, I was gutted.

Now who is having impure thoughts about a tard? you lot disgust me.

I had to close doon all my institutes, including a college that never actually turned out any high achievers for some reason. I was almost destitute as I was doon to my last few millions so I invested in the Whale fishing industry which they also tried to close doon and I set up a factory to make flame retardant flags to sell to the middle east , God bless those crazy Jews for always starting all the wars . The paint factory went up in flames, strangely enough no one was ever charged (fucking Masons no doubt)

I was able to process and sell my homeless mongs to Oxfam and Save the Children to feed to the Africans who are constantly hungry so my son did make something out of himself.
I don't live in the style I'm accustomed too anymore, theres just no profit in helping people unless it was a front for criminal activities but you didn't hear me say that.
I just want to tell you that I think you're all so very special.

Now who is having impure thoughts about a tard? you lot disgust me.

I'm not actually sure if Fanny was married to me in a legal sense of the word as I don't like paper trails, she ended up working in the Clean room industry last time I heard about her, no not the pollutant free work environments I mean she was cleaner.
Ugly as sin and not an ounce of sense but she had a great arse.