I used my chest hair as floss and braided my pubes into ropes.In the 70's I was a terrible young man getting into all manner of trouble, my father thought it was best that I went to sea for a while until all the babies were born and everything had calmed doon.
It was late in the year when I signed on to the 'Slocum' under Captain Dampier a cruel and idiotic man who liked to dine on rum and cold vomit mopped up with bread.
It was a trading ship bringing bibles to the heathens of South America and weapons to the European logging companies so I felt as if I was doing the Lard's work.
It was a sad and oppressive ship and my only friend was Dick, the bulimic cabin boy. The captain thought my friendship with Dick was unhealthy and so left me on an island alone with scant supplies.
On the beach as night fell I shivered with cold and fear as I could hear all manner of ungodly creatures inland howling and hooting and calling out names like " Beelzebub" and "Shake 'n' Vac" so I stayed close to a cave and talked to a tennis ball I had named 'Dunlop' he was a right cunt and kept trying to fiddle with me as I slept.
Soon the beach was full of Sea lions fornicating which isn't as sexy as you'd think so I headed in land.
It was a sad and oppressive ship and my only friend was Dick, the bulimic cabin boy. The captain thought my friendship with Dick was unhealthy and so left me on an island alone with scant supplies.
On the beach as night fell I shivered with cold and fear as I could hear all manner of ungodly creatures inland howling and hooting and calling out names like " Beelzebub" and "Shake 'n' Vac" so I stayed close to a cave and talked to a tennis ball I had named 'Dunlop' he was a right cunt and kept trying to fiddle with me as I slept.
Soon the beach was full of Sea lions fornicating which isn't as sexy as you'd think so I headed in land.
It wasn't so bad I was able to make a hut complete with bay windows and a nice wee breakfast nook. My main meal was goats who I would eat after a week of dating. I was a young man and soon grew tired of their possessiveness and didn't really want to commit.
There were rats on the island who would attack me as I slept and so I tamed a couple of feral cats, 'Miss Sassy Lashes' and 'Eartha Kitty'.
I lived off wild turnips and cabbages along with the goat meat and milk, ach the gas was awful but it kept the mosquitos away, and the rats oh and me cats.
I had one book with me, The Holy Bible, fuck me I wish I had brought something readable a nice Dan Brown book you know something a bit more believable. At least I had some shite wipe, Mark didn't last long as I had the shits and Revelations had blood in it.
Two boats did pass my way but one was French and the other was Italian and I was way too pretty to go aboard those vessels so I hid like an altar boy at a priest convention.
After 4 years and 4 months HMS Weymouth found me, I was covered in goat skin and my English was almost unrecognisable so I had not really changed much.
There were rats on the island who would attack me as I slept and so I tamed a couple of feral cats, 'Miss Sassy Lashes' and 'Eartha Kitty'.
I lived off wild turnips and cabbages along with the goat meat and milk, ach the gas was awful but it kept the mosquitos away, and the rats oh and me cats.
I had one book with me, The Holy Bible, fuck me I wish I had brought something readable a nice Dan Brown book you know something a bit more believable. At least I had some shite wipe, Mark didn't last long as I had the shits and Revelations had blood in it.
Two boats did pass my way but one was French and the other was Italian and I was way too pretty to go aboard those vessels so I hid like an altar boy at a priest convention.
After 4 years and 4 months HMS Weymouth found me, I was covered in goat skin and my English was almost unrecognisable so I had not really changed much.
Getting back to England I was paid handsomely for my story by the Daily Mail newspaper and married a 16 year-old milk maid named Sophia but the sea beckoned again and I signed onto the Mary Celeste a brigantine run by a Yank captian.
I kissed Sophia and her very hot sister goodbye and I went forth for more adventure but who gives a shit about that ? what about the time I was almost gang raped by a midget boy band in Turkey? now that was hairy.
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