The Love Therapist

When I came to Americky I didn't quit my job as a life coach for the Ohhmm well being clinic I was promoted to the job of 'Life consultant' spreading my wisdom and knowledge to the uninformed savages known as Americans.

My position is that of a Missionary I suppose giving it to the Yanks whether they want it or not but they sure do need it.

Me and my mucker Buddy have purchased and motorised home with his disability pension and a few bars of my Nazi gold.
I've always wanted to be like a hero on TV who travels from town to town solving crimes and shagging weemen with his pet monkey sidekick flinging poo in the name of justice for the under dog and so I decide to buy a motorhome to do so.

Buddy to be honest isn't all there, too much LCD in Nam and he has flashbacks to training the Taliban in Afghanistan to fight the Russians, a lot of opium going around it seems.

Back then he was known as a drugged out socially inept moron who was good at manipulating others to get what he wanted.

Then all the buzz word excuses for being thick came out and he was retired from the 'company' for being Bi-Polar with Aspergers and ADHD, they even said he was autistic which is a load of shite as the only thing he can draw is his pension.

My chum Buddy may not be the tastiest dog at the pound but once you get past all the paranoid accusations and make sure he takes his meds hes a decent enough fella.

He surprised me by getting a graphic put on the front of the RV the only thing is that hes a perfect example of the American education system, no offense to you idiot Yanks but when someone thinks that the Gettysburg address was where Lincoln lived and that the underground railway that smuggled slaves to the north actually had trains well he make me look intelligent, that's why I like Americky, I'm a hawk among crows.

I have to figure out how to change the graphic without hurting his feelings maybe I'll go for the "you mong approach" how can I get any action from vulnerable weemen with that on the front?

I may have to rethink the bumper sticker I have in mind, as my bed would be over the cab I was going to have a sticker that says " if the roof is a thumping Old Knudsen is a humping" classy huh?

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So Wet And Pink

Friday and Saturday nights at the Ohhmm well being clinic manning the suicide chat/hot line can get a bit difficult.

Without giving too much client confidentiality away I had this lass named Barbara from Invergarry call me up to tell me she was considering ending it all.

I asked her why in my pretend to be interested voice and so the silly cow told me.
She is an over weight plain looking woman who suffers from depression and is addicted to cold medicine. She has 3 teenage children who do what they want and disrespect her all the time. The only highlight in her day is watching Eastenders. Her husband works a lot of overtime and she knows he is having numerous affairs, she is lonely and desperate and hates herself, people dismiss her because shes not got anything interesting to say and so had a load of pill bottles in front of her and a bottle of vodka to wash them doon with.

I am well trained to deal with this type of situation but this time I was drawing a blank so I said well good luck to her and I hope things get better soon.

I actually had the telly on but I was sensitive enough to have the sound turned doon. The film 'Cobra' was on with Sly Stalone and the action was getting started so she called at a bad time, hardly my fault.

The goth boy who thought he might be ghey I gave him great advice,smile more and wear sunny colours, get a hair cut and join the navy ya fucking poof. Whats long black and full of semen? a submarine and they always go doon. You'd have to be ghey to wear those uniforms.

I never get repeat phone calls, nor do I read the news paper after my stints on the hot line, too depressing.

Well that's my part time job as you older readers should remember, my main job is as a life coach.

Even famous people need help now and again, I helped Charles Manson get over his low esteem in the 70's before he became famous.

In 1980 I was on the cusp of getting John Lennon out of that dopey hippy phase , make war not love was going to be his next LP, a more metal sound to it.

John Denver had a fear of flying but me and my mate Steve Fossett convinced him that statistically speaking they are safer than cars. Two birds with one stone.

I got Kurt Cobain over his fear of guns as its people that kill people not guns.

Christopher Reeve was worried about being too tall to horse jump, I said wise up yer only as tall as you let yerself be, yer Superman for fucks sake what could possibly happen?.

I convinced Steve Irwin to branch out from crocodiles, diversify I said to him, get out of yer comfort zone and take a risk.

Its not my fault they fuck up I told River Phoenix to try heroin not get hooked on the stuff, silly bugger.

The fella in the picture above is the famous guru Wang Chung from the eastern star promise of a better way temple. Even wise men need a star to follow. Now that was fucking class, did you hear that? star to follow, I just pull this incredible stuff out of me arse like when a dog swallows a deflated balloon and half of it hangs out of its hole so you pull on it, funny as fuck when it snaps out.

Chung thought the path to enlightenment was to deny all the pleasures in life and sit in the lotus position and eat a bowl of rice a day.

I said to him, do ya think Buddha ate a bowl of rice a day? look at that fat fucker, hes morbidly obese hes like one of them Americans they have to cut the wall off his hoose and have a crane lift him to the Dr Phil show.

You know what they say about fat people right? always so fucking jolly, skinny people are always going around cold and miserable eating a stick of celery for lunch then boaking it up not realising that it doesn't matter cos they are boring as fuck and ugly, plus their breath stinks of vomit and the enamel on their teeth has all been eaten away.

Chung looked at me as if I had just told him the meaning of life, Billy Graham eats corn on the cob and fried chicken and that cunt is 89, live a little man.

Chung's temple gets a lot of donations so in thanks for my help he took me out on the town for a Curry and a piss up, that wee gook can sure put the Southern comfort away.

He kept going on about the Dalai Lama and what a cunt he is stirring up trouble against the Chinese, oh no you don't see him being a martyr . Anyway Chung became my best fucking mate and we ended up having a three way with Patricia the stripper, ah good times.

The only blight on the night was the fight we had when I caught him looking at me cock, none of that oriental gheyness now, they don't all know kung-fu you know, after I kicked his arse I felt like doing it again an hour later.

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Talk About Things, Like A Shag In The Park.

Lynn asked me for a straight answer as to what I do all day, I thought that was a very strange question, do I cum off looking anything but straight ? besides the Bangkok gurlyboy that became wife # 5 I think it was oh and those times I was drunk and lonely at sea I am 100% straight, no offense to my poofer fans but I'm doing it fer the ladies 24/7. Still attention is attention.
Here is an insight into my day, I will take questions at the end which I shall promptly avoid.
I woke up got out of bed and dragged a comb across my head, sorry I left out waking with my usual giant erection, its the Eiffel Tower made out of mashed potato, takes up half the room but I like it and so do the rats, yes I do wake up full of the horn, so I fondle myself for a while and then say "that would make a good post" I talk to myself alot, it keeps me sane.
Jutting out of the Eiffel Tower is the desk that sits my computer, I do live alone but get broken into by Slavic Gypsies who look to do the jobs we are too lazy to do and to steal our white weemen a lot so this is the only safe place.
I check my e-mails, I always have tons, lots from heads of State from around the world asking advice, I have to be careful with what I say as I am connected to the old CIA Interweb , its a small price for cheap access, but don't joke to Americans about WMD's they aren't the sharpest plate in the cupboard and will sometimes miss the joke they are eaves dropping in on, sorry Saddam, those Yanks are so literally minded sometimes.
I enter myself for Blogs of note, send off my e-mail to the BBC about an Old Knudsen sitcom and I work on the movies Disney want me to do, Poo Pirates of the Caribbean about this black gurl called Pearl who dresses up as a lad and serves aboard a ghey Pirate ship and goes in search of Pirate Booty. My other two are for Pixar, animated crap but with an edge, 'Finding Abso' and 'Its a Thugs life', both about life on the street but with cute animals that talk, don't judge me, I have to live too. I then knock out 35 posts, 3 of which may make it to the Blog, the rest being crap I give to some of my fellow Bloggers for them to use.
I then read my very favourite Blogs, Old Bitter Balls, Fake Old Man Balls and Old Knudsen then its time for breakfast.
A pack of fags, fry up , 6 cans of Bass and a cup of tea then I'm set.
I sneak out the back door as that Kieran fella keeps hanging around the front to ask me questions about the war, he says hes writing a book but always keeps his hands in his trouser pockets like hes looking for change, a strange boy.
I sit in the library for an hour or two as the invisible moth demons won't follow me in there and I observe human behaviour and shush people, my book collection has increased 10 fold since I started going there, free books, wheres the profit to be made there?
On a side note as it didn't happen in a Library but I heard the song "brown eyed gurl" being used as a ring tone, no remarks about rectums please or I'll have to ask you ta leave, Van Morrison is one of them singers people say they like so as to appear as if they have taste, but if you had taste you wouldn't have a ring tone blaring because its not very fucking cool and how deaf are you?
After I get my books for the day I head over to the high school and watch the fights at break time and maybe place the odd bet with the teachers, if I remember my white coat I may make the rounds at the local hospital and then its off to work.
I never told any of you but I found this part time job that allows me to indulge in my passion of helping people, I work at the 'Ohhmm well being clinic' as a Life coach, could you all not tell that I was getting softer? also by getting in touch with my feminine side I've been able to pick up more birds Ka-Chow!
The odd week end I work the Ohhmm well being suicide chat line, hot line was too urgent and scary for our people, anyway what a load of depressing cunts that phone up that number but once they call me they never phone back. Telling them to snap out of it and fuck off seems to work, don't try to chat those ones up, theres a reason they phone up that line, and its always during my fucking lunch break. I answer and pretend to be a recording, I crack myself up.
Most of my nights end in drinking and bed wetting and making the leaning tower of Pizza out of mashed potato, not pizza, get it? that's irony my friend try it sometime.
Sometimes my life involves cheap hookers, dead bodies to dispose of and fisting Kav but mostly its the same stuff that others do. I'm sure everyone sees a packet of Kellogg Corn Flakes on the shelf of a super market and has flashbacks to the war and goes on a spree of destruction. Well I hope this gives you insight to the everyday life of Old Knudsen I'm just normal.
Now for some messages to some people I know.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: the Israel thing was funny but enoughs enough.

George W Bush: you know the asking price and no I don't take cheques.

Mike Read: you were a crap DJ and TV presenter, Mayor of London is the job for you.

Senator John McCain: are you ghey? cos you'll have a mandate in 2008 Mr Preez.

Marti Pellow: Good on ya lad, see? I told you, you could sing but Van Morrison? how pretentious .

Fidel Castro: What did you call my mother? that's it you and me outside.

Edward Norton: look at Dennis Quad's career, look familiar? pick yer films better, you started out so well.

Brittany: stop sending pictures of it to me, its like Africa big and dirty and no one in their right mind wants to go there.

Jools Holland: have I told you today that you're a wanker and you smell like Brittany's Africa ?