Ha Ha Ha Ha Staying Alive Staying Alive In The Ghetto

Listen to me and you might just make it through this post alive.

I've been in some pretty dodgy survival situations in my time, from plane crashes to shipwrecks and one time being lost from my mummy in a supermarket.

I do what I have to do to survive and I have no apologies to make to the families of those I have eaten in order to stay alive, you don't know you weren't there.

When my blood sugar gets low I get grouchy and easily annoyed and then some big fat juicy American says, "you were in special farces you need to go find us some food" that's when I say "look immigrants climbing over the wall" and when he looks I smash his head in, food is all around you if you know where to look.

There is even a McDonald's in the Amazon jungle.

I still have nightmares about the supermarket, I was alone fending for myself living off dry cereal and stealing from the sample tables . I ran wild for what must of been an hour. When my mummy found me I had forgotten how to speak English and I was dehydrated and disorientated, yes I had also found the alcohol section, that was three years ago almost to this day.

Now I have to survive the hood of Crotcharea in Southern Callyfornia one of the most inhospitable places to be if yer white.

The heat of the sun can make her balls drip like a leaky tap (faucet to the Yanks) but whatever you do don't drink that water as I have a weeping sore just under me lad.

Water is yer first concern for survival. Due to the American economy being as weak as its military many people let their lawns die but if you go to a nice street you may just catch a sprinkler that's flooding the gutter or if you look for a hoose that's been painted red by tacky Mexicans you may find a fountain like this.

Warning, the water in Callyfornia is almost undrinkable as in most third world cuntries, there is so much rocket fuel and other chemicals its like gritty poisonous moonshine.

Hydration now and gut rot later, if you have a condom you can fill it up to hold water, I don't carry them as I don't like the reduced feeling and sensitivity when I drink from them.

Another sign of where to find water is to look where the birds and wild postal workers go during dusk and at dawn or you can find a corner on a busy road and there will probably be a Quickie Mart run by a Pakkie from India (that's where they cum from right?)

Be careful cos during times of deliveries you may get caught up in an attack either on the delivery truck or the shop by a troop of baboons. Last year in America alone there were 8,000 TVs stolen by baboons and numerous other crimes but because of Slavery a couple of hundred years ago they are the true victims of crime, really quite sad when you think about it.
Lets make them all happy and send them back , Zimbabwe looks nice this time of year and Mugabe likes to blame whitey too.

Remember folks you can go 3 weeks without food and just 3 days without water, for Americans convert weeks to hours and days to minutes.

The next thing to do is find shelter from the heat, a new sports bar has just opened doon the road don't try McDonald's as those cheap fuckers never run the air.

Food, what is there to eat in the hood? well there is plenty of pussy but be wary as there is a lot of unhealthy pussies in America. I've seen blokes walking about holding onto their cock incase it drops off also they lose weight and waste away through diseased pussy as their clothes look three sizes too big for them. Dogs are plentiful too just follow yer nose and yer bound to find some roadkill.



The flag of Callyfornia has a bear on it, bears are a common threat here so be careful.

Which brings me to another danger in the hood, mobile phones otherwise known as a cell phone, just last year 3000 people were killed by cell phones, weemen driving mini vans while talking on their phones.

America has the worse drivers ever and it isn't illegal to kill pedestrians here, today I saw 3 cars run a red light, the fourth car was an SUV driven by a woman, she stopped half-way in the road and rather than turn right to get out of the way she sat in the middle blocking traffic because she wanted to go straight, the police shook their heads but IHOP was running a special so they didn't hang about, after they gave me a citation for jay-walking they were off, free cuntry my arse you can't even cross the road, anyway cars don't stop at zebra crossings here to let you cross so you might as well cross where you like.

One time in Killamory I was just about to cross at a zebra crossing, I was just off the night shift at the Titty twister social club and was tired. I stood there at the crossing waiting for a car to pass but he was waiting for me to walk across as cars give way to pedestrians, he stuck his head out the window and shouted, "is yer head up yer hole?" I did not have a witty cum back, that is a true story my friends.

This is obviously a gang of Mexican gang bangers.

Other dangers in the hood is getting caught in gang cross fire also getting caught by gang bangers, I suppose they then gang bang you to death as gangs are just so homo erotic something I don't want to find out about but only the police and criminals are allowed to carry guns or else they couldn't do their jobs.

Watch out for pan-handlers some will ask for spare change but due to inflation many will just ask for a dollar, they will call you and run after you to ask you for money.

Many pan-handlers are on the crack or the meths and can be quite crazy with the strength of 10 so its better to out crazy them, do yer crazy eyes and talk about how the next president will either be a woman or a half-cast now that is crazy talk, when they are confused stab them repeatedly in the neck with a pointed stick. Oh and carry a small pointed stick.


Twat or pussy thats yer choice, Cunty McCain will win.

If you ever find lost yerself in the ghetto always head towards greenery, to places where people water and tend their lawns. Beige is the normal colour of Southern Callyfornia and where their is greenery there is watering and there are well off people and you aren't in the ghetto no longer.


Ants? I've seen 'Bugs life' I ain't ascared of ants.

I hope this has been of some help to you, while researching this post I learned from my mistakes. I got gang banged and ate some really minging pussy I did find out that roadkill tastes a lot better than Mexican food and like in rock, paper, scissors a 9 mil gat beats a pointed stick.

Stay safe on those streets people.





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I Will Survive

If I saw a ginger Canadian stranded on an island I'd keep on sailing.

Have you ever seen this show on the telly called Survivorman ? it has this Canadian fella Les Stroud going out into the wilderness for 7 days alone with very little equipment and a couple of hand held cameras, he demonstrates how to survive.

A singer, song writer, music video director and a survival expert so the telly says, he once had the job of an outdoor instructor to special needs individuals of aboriginal descent which is a great job title and very politically correct, unless they are releasing the spastics out into the wild to fend for themselves, in that case its fucking class, very innovative.

I watch this show because I want to see him fail and get ate by a shark or something, hes not an unlikable bloke, just fucking annoying.

A drama queen who likes to hear himself talk, yes worse than me. He hypes everything up for the camera and for a survival expert hes a fucking wuss, 7 days without food must be easy for him to do as he farts around with other stuff all the time.

Where ever he goes he takes all the dangers no matter how remote and claims they are all out to get him, "I'm in lion country at the minute, I also have to be careful for snakes, buffalo, giraffes, eagles and baby squirrels, anyone one of them could attack me at any time, I won't be sleeping tonight."

He has this thing about food energy which for me has become a wee catch phrase for me, he eats a grasshopper and says, " I just need enough food energy to start a fire." Yeah those things are fucking filling.

Getting naked at any opportunity showing what a hot middle aged man he is (musicians don't age well in their minds) he is totally into camera angles and talking into two cameras at different positions for more interesting, edgy shots.

He does those long shots of him walking off into the distance which leaves you asking, "so are you just going to leave the camera there?"

He was surviving on a beach and doing quite well, the flies were annoying him but he was living, then he came up with the idea to search for help as a stranded person would do and he should head into the jungle. For fucks sake I was shouting at the telly telling him to follow the coastline, stay away from the jungle, both Tarzan and George were cunts, you'll get lost and eaten alive.

Of course I was right, he got lost and couldn't find food and flinched every time he saw a bug. (which he should have been eating) At night the jungle is a seething mass of creepy movement, I thought he would have known this .

Eventually he found the coast again and swore never to go back into the jungle , he followed the coast and found fishing huts, what a fucking mong.

In the Amazon his cameras nearly all died due to the damp and he was stalked by a Puma, he got to the safety of a native village before it got him I'm sad to say which shows you hes far safer than most stranded people, hes without the psychological trauma that finding yerself in a survival situation brings, he has a support crew a few miles away, if it gets tough he tells them on his walkie talkie that he forgot to mention he had and they find him on his secret GPS.

He was in his native Canada living off the land, his main worry was a Bull Moose as it was mating season, no not bears he was scared of moose's, '1500 pounds of rage' as he described one, he then went on to say how he was raped by one once, fuck off its a big cow.

For an expert he had trouble setting up a dead fall trap that had a boulder propped up by sticks, the thing wouldn't stay up and he was scared to break a finger, then the unthinkable happened, he pinched his thumb and got a blood blister, he was quick to point out that any wound out in the wilderness was magnified and he could very well die, yay!
He finally got his trap set up but had forgotten to put the bait onto the sticks before he set it up so he just left it there on the ground, later he came back to see the trap was intact but the bait was gone.
I'd be off to hunt a moose by that point.

Then he was smashing rocks to get a sharp edge and warned about the danger he was in with splinters etc. I bet he is the kind of person to always say, "you'll put yer eye out."

He doesn't like to kill animals for food but in a survival situation its all fair game, he ended up eating snails, a stone cold killer. I think Mr Strouds needs to go on a SAS survival course.

I'll say this for him, he can sure make a good fire but I get the impression a lot of the stuff he comes out with is what local guides have told him as he sounds unsure about everything.

He doesn't teach you how to survive, he teaches you how to survive for 7 days with drama.

"No room for bravado and carelessness your alone in the bush."
Fucking pussy, give me a pointed stick and I'll show you how to survive, if I was stranded with Les his whining and negativity would make me snap, two men enter the jungle one man leaves, one well fed man that is.

My man is Survival Expert Bear Grylls, ex SAS which to you Yanks is British special forces, tougher than anything you've got, they do waterboarding for fun. Bear is a big English bloke and he seems a very nice chap but he could kill you and eat and skin you just like that.

He scales mountains, eats any bug that cums his way , skins, guts and crawls inside of dead camels for shelter and takes stupid risks for the sake of it and because he enjoys it.

Ex SAS also means a little nuts so hes my kind of people, sure he is a little dramatic but not in a whiny posing way like Strouds and he talks military so I'm sitting there nodding and finding common ground, he does bring a camera crew with him and I'm left wondering how they keep up with him cos he is fit.

A lot of his scenarios are set up as most shows are but could you see Strouds take the undigested food from a camel's gut and squeeze it for drinking water?

Many have said that Bear is a fake, I don't care he is vastly more entertaining than most stuff on the telly, who else crunches into a giant bug and describes it as "gritty shrimp that has gone off " or " gooey cream like?"