You Know You Want Me To Call You.

I must put out my friend and regular reader Russell Crowe's side of the whole phone throwing story , you may have heard of it.While in an American hotel he had trouble with the phone in his hotel room , he couldn't get through to his wife in Australia , the guy at the reception desk wasn't helpful enough so Russ ripped the phone out and went downstairs and threw it at him.
I think it would be more understandable if I put it into these terms.

All week I've had trouble with Blooper (Blogger) either I just couldn't get on or I couldn't save to draft or publish, all I could do is stare at my blog or wank over my site meter, whoever is from Motherwell got me there,
thankyou .

Even the Muslims are pissed off at Blogger, this is them angrily burning something or other.

I trolled around leaving unhelpful comments as anonymous but really its all about the post with me, I need to get my thoughts and ideas down so I can upload into a strong, bullet proof non - rust robot body and rule the world, no really, I know a guy that can do it, its not cheap but it will be worth it. I've seen pictures of the invincible war-bot I'm to become you will tremble with fear when the Knudsenator is unleashed.

Prepare to become enslaved you weak humongs, I can bend it Like Beckham and I can bend beckham himself.

Anyway, I get a tad miffed when Blooper messes me around because I believe they are all out to get me, no infact I get quite irked, if I had a dog I would kick it. I'd rather find a Blooper employee, maybe that one that writes the spiffy maintenance updates with the insincere apologies and I'd like to bounce my keyboard off his head, bow to give honour and adopt a karate stance and see if he thinks hes hard enough to have a go or call the police. What Russell did now was totally understandable right?

If your gurlfriend cheats on you, you beat the guy up, see it all makes sense.


Imogen Stubbs' arse from the 1988 Drama 'The Rainbow'



Russell who pleaded guilty to 3rd degree assault said in an interview.

"Where I come from , a confrontation like that , as basic and simple as that, would have been satisfied with a handshake, a few cans of beer and then we'd kill a croc and put it on the Barbie, its only Aussie rules phone tag mate fair dinkum".



He then went on to say that the American legal system is very open to misuse. How dare he, if you wish to sue Mr Crowe over this statement and the jacket that he wore when he was arrested call 1 - 800 SUE THEM.

You can take her Russ, you're a Gladiator but what a jacket to be seen in public wearing.


Oj Simpson and Michael Jackson have both condemned Crowe and say they are quite happy with the legal system, former President and ugly intern chaser Bill Clinton was unavailable for comment as he is busy promoting his new book, 'Define Big Fat Liar' anything to keep him away from the Gorgon he married.



David Beckham is already a little bit bent. Congrats on next year's Knighthood David, lets hope by then your balls will have dropped and you don't sound like such a squeaky twat.

More Tits, But This Is Art.

As you get older strange memories pop up in your head. A naked lass running down a hill and into a lake got my memories stirring, it was Imogen Stubbs in the TV version of the D.H. Lawrence book 'The Rainbow' shown in 1988, God bless the British TV for not having a stick up it's arse about young beautiful naked weemen cavorting around starkers, and this wasn't even shown after the 9pm watershed because its art, so there , not great pictures, its the memory that counts.


Update

Since having put this up I've had at least 4 separate searches for 'tits' from around the world, including Yank armed forces in the middle east, so Bloggers, show some tities for the men and weemen fighting the Sand savage with the hope to free them from something of other whether they like it or not. Troops In Trouble Seriously!

Wag The Dog.

Was Dustin Hoffman a woman originally? did he play in the movie Tootsie as a double bluff so no one would believe the truth? and how could Dustin as a woman be so ugly with only one head?

Tits Running From A Lot Of Bull.

As you know already, posting at the weekend is a little more relaxed I just put up any old shit as long as Blooper (Blogger) lets me *post*. Some of my gems may get lost in amongst a wave of drunken posting and not get the attention I feel they deserve. I'm a fucking artist ok? I usually put up a pretty young lady with nice knockers but I haven't cum across one that inspired me enough so heres a picture of running with the bulls in Pamplona , plenty of tits to be seen here. C'mon you bulls, its called natural selection gore the stupid fuckers before they breed.


*Blooper has gone out of it's way to piss off Old Knudsen in the last day*

Evil Phoned In Sick

Old Knudsen has made it through the deadly 'November II' , the only thing to happen was that the toilet cistern ran a bit, I fiddled with my ball cock then after I went and fixed the toilet, and I got my lecky bill (electricity to you people) so no big disasters. I can post til those cows come home, then we'll eat the cows and I'll post some more. Enjoy this post, I'm off to have a nice long bath, I'm a little hungry so I'll bring in the toaster and a loaf of bread and make toast while I soak, thankyou for all your concerns, except FootEater, hes a cunt.




Old Knudsen is so old he remembers when he and some of his drunken friends tried to make the world's biggest cup of tea in Boston harbour, it was only a wee prank.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers Davey jones and his foot locker before he got a beatle's haircut and joined the Monkees

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers saying to God, "its dark in here, how about some light?"

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers when they did circumcision for silly made up religious reasons, not silly made up hygiene reasons.

Old Knudsen is so old the cars all ate oats and shat in the street and a hybrid was a Mule.

Old Knudsen is so old the only ones that wore hoodies robbed from the rich and gave to the poor.

Old Knudsen is so old you didn't need the Chunnel, you could walk to France on the ice sheets.

Old Knudsen is so old, never mind national ID cards he remembers saying, "birth certificates, it will never happen" .

Old Knudsen is so old that trepanning went out of style and came back, if you don't believe him, check out the hole in his head.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers making up the expression, "I need that like I need a hole in the head" just before they trepanned him.

Old Knudsen is so old back street abortions were done with wooden coat hangers.

Old Knudsen is so old he apprenticed to be a flint knapper (fucking bronze age)

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers the outrage when a lady had a warobe malfunction and her ankle showed. (I had a stiffy for days)

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers King Harold (Harefoot), King Philip of Mycenae, The Norse God Odin and Lord Nelson as spokesmen for a top brand of eye drops.

Old Knudsen is so old he can remember when Lord Nelson lay there dying and said those famous last words," kiss me Hardy" I looked around at all the salty seamen in their tight flared trousers and said, "that is so gay" .

Old Knudsen is so old that he remembers when Dickens was the most prolific blogger.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers telling Queen Victoria, " wearing black really does make you look slimmer".

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers when the expression 'surfs up' meant your servant was up cleaning the chimney.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers telling Sir Walter Raleigh, "don't worry, Queen Elizabeth never holds a grudge , shes really mellowed out", shortly afterwards they cut off his head.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers Adam saying to his docile wife Eve," you know you could stand to lose a few pounds, lay off the burgers and pasta and just eat fruit for a while.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers Adam's first wife Lilith leaving him to go off to shag Demons because he said she looked fat.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers Jesus as being the David Blaine of his day.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers freaking out Joan of Arc by standing behind a wall and throwing his voice, I wonder what ever became of little Joanie.

Old Knudsen is so old he remembers when he was in Salem he was misheard and actually called the woman a 'bitch' , it would of been embarrassing to try to tell them otherwise.


I hope this and the fact that I'm still alive will cheer some people up, many bloggers have the blues and blame the time change or S.A.D. or both, but I blame El Nino and Venus in Uranus.

The picture of evil above looks a little like David Blaine, for some reason hes gone off the rails but still carries them about, as you can see he is getting his hanky out to blow his nose, even Zombies get snot, but those shoes and that shirt, what was he thinking? what an outfit to die in.

Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, I Mean The Pub Called Wounded Knee.

I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread and a damp spot on my bed, 'damn that hot water bottle' I thought as I tried to see how bad the patch was, what a mystery, I was soaked through and I don't have a hot water bottle.
Looking through the window it was as if the sun was too afraid to show itself today, the sky was a dark ,foreboding swirling mass of anger. I fancied that I saw three of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse though they may have been plastic bags blown about by the wind.
My bedside clock said 7:10 am, what? 7:10 am, my arse its still dark out what happened to daylight savings time? then I remembered the awful truth, its the 2nd of November the day of disaster, my mind raced back to when I checked that I had £42.00 to send to Ms Ibis for spiritual protection and then I remembered buying a case of Charger (a weak but reasonably priced lager) it was a bit of a blur after that,I went to the pub then to the chinkys for a curried chip, Billy was with me so anything I had left over he probably took when I passed out, funny wee man is Billy one ear. Oh shit I'm in such trouble, will saint Michael and his mates stand by as the great evil that has been foretold fucks me in the ass sans lube? is it too late to pray? is it too early to drink? wise up its never too early to drink.
I will be keeping to myself today and wearing tinfoil under me hat just incase, if this is the last post that I ever do I just want you all to know that I meant every mean word I said to yous and if nothing happens to me you'll be in for more of the same, and you'll like it, you'll even ask for more but Old Knudsen won't give you more cos hes a fucking slag.


Standing, gazing over Loch Voil pondering the mortality of man.

November 2 Knudsen's Doom ?

Coming soon, or is it? Revelations .