I Get The Children, You Can Have Wales.

Fergie, seconds before she ate these dogs.

I remember the time when you could only leave the royal family through death, it was like the Mafia or the CIA, this did cause Henry the 8th no end of trouble as his troublesome wives would not die off quick enough (we've all had that trouble) which is why it usually ended up with trumped up accusations and a beheading, it was always about a male heir for that bloke, kicking out the pope and starting up his own religion that makes him a L Ron Hubbard/Ian Paisley Tudor style.

This post is a rambling report about royal divorce and anything else that wades through my stream of consciousness and is done out of love and respect for the Royals who even though are inbreed ,snobby ,elitist, nazi, German ,parasites are a much needed part of British culture and as I have taken an oath* to be faithful and bear true allegiance and I will, as in duty bound, honestly and faithfully defend His Majesty, his Heirs and Successors, in person, Crown and dignity against all enemies, and will observe and obey all orders of his Majesty, his Heirs and Successors, and of the Generals and Officers set over me. So help me God*, I will have to kill anyone anti-royal, nothing personal.

Princess Victoria of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha and granddaughter to Queen Victoria fancied her first cousin grand Duke Kyril Vladimirovich, but because he was Russian Orthodox which had silly rules against two first cousins marrying Queen Victoria forbide it and fixed her up with a different cousin Prince Ernst Ludwig of Hesse.

Princess Victoria and Prince Ernst, doesn't she have the same kind of face as Elizabeth II when young?

Queen Victoria was one of histories great meddling schemers, she managed to get most of the great European Royal houses all related to her, in fact World War I was just a great big family feud.
Princess Victoria and Prince Ernst had a loveless marriage which produced two children that died young. Victoria still had a thing for Kyril who she saw at royal functions so taking a leaf out of Henry 8th's book she claimed her husband was homosexual and that she had caught him in bed with a male servant.
Divorce then was a big scandal, soon Victoria and Kyril ended up married. When the dirty Bolsheviks killed the Russian royal family the kissing cousins fled to Finland and then Germany, where of course Victoria got interested in the Nazi party.(all those royals do)The English Royal family being a bunch of Germans changed the name of their royal house from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to the current Windsor in 1917 during World War I so the British People would see them as British and not German like the enemy.

Prince Edward of York, Duke of Rothesay, Prince of Wales, Duke of Earl and Lord of the Dance Settee. He served briefly in the trenches then went on a tour of the Empire gaining almost movie star status around the world and even having the big silly looking knot on his tie made famous with the name 'The Windsor knot'. He loved the ladies, mainly married ones, even when he was having a relationship with the married American woman Mrs Simpson he was still shagging lady Furness on the side.
Edward Duke of Windsor and Mrs Simpson, I left the throne for you and you no longer put out.

MI5 kept tabs on the the Prince and Mrs Simpson for the government.
King George V died in Jan 1936 and Edward became king the next day.
Mrs Simpson got a divorce but as they would not be allowed to marry by the government and the church of England (ironic as that was Henry the 8ths church and formed for the purpose of a royal divorce) Edward abdicated the English throne in Dec 1936 and the day after that abdicated as King of Ireland.
Not allowed to live in England the couple were exiled to France where they became good friends with Hitler, so the British government banished er installed Edward the Duke of Windsor to be governor of the Bahamas until the war was over, when the couple visited Florida the FBI did a covert surveillance operation on them, its even been suggested that Edward leaked secrets leading to the disaster at the Battle of Dunkirk.
( like the Alamo the people would shout "remember Dunkirk! it was a big deal at the time)
The Duke and Duchess ended up living a life of ease in Neuilly near Paris.

Princess Anne and Captain Mark Phillips, well he was actually a lieutenant but marrying a Princess gets you a promotion.

Princess Anne (with more horse DNA than human) married an army officer named Mark Phillips in 1973. In 1974 she was almost kidnapped by a nutcase called Ian Ball, he blocked the road using his handy dandy Ford Escort and shot her detective and chauffeur that both tried to disarm him then a passing journalist had a go and was shot, Ball told Anne to get out of the car and she said "not bloody likely", at that time another passerby punched Ball on the back of the head and got her to safety, a policeman tried to arrest Ball and also got shot, another peeler gave chase and got him, everyone that got shot lived and got medals, Ball was going to ransom her for 2 or 3 million (big money in those days) and was going to give it to the NHS, he must have been nuts. This has nothing to do with divorce but I like the story so fuck off.
They got divorced in 1992 and Anne remarried the same year,(makes you think huh?) she got married in the church of Scotland as the church of England are little bitches .


Charles and Diana, a more perfect couple you could never hope to find.

Charles and Diana being the most famous for the current generations. Charle's great-uncle Lord Mountbatten of Burma who was blown up by the IRA in 1979 had always told Charles to marry a young protestant virgin who would look up to him, lady Diana Spencer was perfect, and they make a couple as cringe worthy as Tom and Katie in the What the fuck? category.
They married in 1981 and it was lovely, I still have a cup with their faces on it knocking about here somewhere. The divorce was finalised in 1996, and I'm not even going to mention how the fucking hippies killed sweet Di in France, her and the Arab were just friends, got it?
Charles went on to have sex with Dragon ladies and in 2005 married one.
Charles will only be king when Elizabeth II dies and by then he'll be a really old geezer and will anyone care?

Whose skirt would you rather see up? and who would have the biggest penis?

The last and the most sad of the Royal marriages/divorces was in 1986 with Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson, during their separation the British Tabloids tore her apart for toe sucking and being fat, their divorce was finalised in 1996. She went on to write books on a helicopter named Budgie and to promote weight watchers, she did the old charity shit thing so the press can't say boo about you because you're a fucking saint.
She posed naked with some jewels and a pair of Jimmy choo shoes in a book for an aids charity even though the Sun newspaper put out a petition begging her to 'keep em on', she has since got a
crystal methamphetamine addiction and joined the group called 'The black Eyed peas' and sings in a most undignified way about her lady lumps, using her name 'The Duchess' to sell records (as the young people call them) she shakes her booty wearing crotchless trousers dousing the first two rows of the audience with golden showers, disgraceful, and if anyone has any spare tickets e-mail me.

Fergie and her lady lumps.


* this is taken from the oath of Attestation that is said by all those entering the British armed forces*

A Hat Trick.

Robert Redford, Actor, director and all round inspiration to brad Pitt.
Jack Jones, lounge lizard, not that you young uns will know him of course.
Bill Clinton, ex sucked off President on the edge that didn't lie under oath as his toes were crossed.


I don't explain it I just present the facts, but some horny shite had a bicycle back in the day.

I'm On To Yous.

Ok which one of you fuckers stole my shite meter? I thought oh its just Blogger messing around with ma head again but no its still not there, so I'm gonna turn my back and who ever nicked it had better return it, I have a few ideas who it was, maybe it was one of those smug cunts on Bloglines, I know you're out there I can hear you breathing. Nope still not back yet, I can wait all day, I'll be off doing other stuff but I'll still be waiting.

I Am The Music Nerd I Come From Down Yer Way.

Dr Dick Helmer, creator of the music shirt.

Australian Scientists working for the Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation or CSIRO have cured cancer and solved world hunger, er no wait I got that confused with the wishes of the miss world contestants, the Australian blokes have done better, they have created a shirt that has intelligent textiles woven into it and can communicate with computers to make music when the wearer plays air guitar, excellent, not only will the heavy metal dirt heads look like mongs when they play back in black with their eyes closed and that pained expression on their faces but they will also sound like it too when it sounds nothing like it.

CSIRO have said how this wearable instrument will be able to help people recover after accidents by teaching them how to bend and walk again, and with these clothes patients in other countries can get examined by specialists.
You can work a computer without ever touching a mouse or a keyboard and play computer games, or learn how to play golf or tennis.

Helping mankind in general, CSIRO have patented it and are looking into how to make an ass load of money out of it but it won't be ready this Christmas.
Do people that play video games want to jump about like their on screen characters or do they just want to sit and wiggle their thumbs for 12 hours? I just don't want to be having a ham shank over some Interweb hottie that wants to do nasty things to me for £29.99 a month only to find out I just e-mailed my wank to a 15 year old gurl in Russia who gets pregnant so now I'm a Pedo Slavicator with a little baby on the way, all bad, maybe they'll make a pair of intelligent gunties that say "you got skids" when you need to change them because on the darker coloured ones you just can never tell.

While There Is George There Is Hope.

The doggie is not actually the most ugly little fucker there is, its just that George is so good looking he makes it look that way.

George Clooney is a star. Very few modern day actors can measure up to and have the same kind of generosity and charisma that he has. He has avoided the stigma of bitter divorces by just shagging all round him and dumping them when they talk about changing the leopard skin print bed sheets and getting rid of the mirrors in his bedroom (Old Knudsen's bedroom is similar) he is funny, intelligent and cares for the Africans, he has gone to the politicians and put his point across, unlike Ben Affleck and his political agenda George was actually taken seriously.
I could put up pictures of bad haircuts of the past or mention Ocean's 12, Batman or Solaris but no, as an actor/movie star he has done more good than harm, and if you don't like George then you must be ghey.

George having a checkup to encourage other men to look after their health, God bless you George.

So Its 'That' Kind Of Family.

This is for The Swearing Lady who suggested I was a pervert. I was hurt and distraught at the thought of others having the wrong idea about me so I'll post family pictures to show how devoted I am to my family, surely I can't be that bad then.
Here is a picture I took of my niece who was starting at a new school, she just loved those lockers, you should see the ones I took of her checking out the changing room showers.

Blogjinx.

Aleister Crowley, or as his mother called him 'The Beast', a very nice woman always ready with a cup of tea and a scone.

In November of 98 I got mixed up with some real dodgy people, I joined what I thought was a Masonic lodge, they were real odd balls, hence me thinking it was the Masons, it turned out to be something called the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, I don't expect any of you to have heard of it, I caught the eye of a young man named Aleister Crowley who soon went on to call himself Count Vladimir and I took the moniker Jimmy the Hoover, well it was more of a stage name for my singing career that so nearly took off.
The order was about boring old Abra-Melin magic and dispatching elementals to kill your enemy but the chicks went nuts for that sort of thing, in fact that's where I met my second wife, no wait that was actually Crowley's second wife, I get so confused, sometimes I think I have a sign on me forehead that only weemen and the odd ghey can see that says,"use me for sex " , now I'm not complaining, did ya hear me complain? no, just so ya know, after Old Knudsen gets his theres none of that cuddlin shite going on, I'm straight to sleep and you had better make me a cup of tea before you leave in the morning, don't think I'm a playa, (I'm no dead yet I can use that word) I consider myself a bit of a romantic, not only will I make sure that the bed sheets were washed that month I always have one of them blue tablets to drop into the toilet's water tank to turn the water blue, I know what the ladies like, anyway why the fuck am I giving away my secrets of seduction?

Back to what I was almost talking about, Crowley was a junkie arsehole, no wonder he saw Spirits and Demons with the amount of drugs he took , me on the other hand am the real thing my Spirit guide Chief Eagle Droppings told me to stop banging Crowley's wife my other Spirit guide Chief Chav Thumper told me to give her a last seeing to as the poor gurl would miss me, I'm a sucker for a sob story, my other Spirit guide All Hail The Chief said " thankyou for taking the time to visit my astral plane" the fucker, don't you just hate it when they say that?

I've noticed an occurrence, a tremor in the farce if you will, I will mention something in a post or a comment and within a day or so someone half a world away some one will experience something connected to what I wrote about , not casual everyday things but things like Wookies, Donegal , Jamiroquai and how Protestant terrorists are shite at killing, or have you written a post and on a blog you've never seen before you see the current post is the same not at the moment subject that you just wrote about , so you quickly check the date and time of publishing read it through and go," huh, it was funnier when I wrote it two hours before you" , or "you bastard, your post is funnier, why didn't I think of that" then you race back to your blog to take it down, or to add to it and change the date and time , oh I've never done that by the way, and I respect my readers far to much to ever lie to them.
Ok the skeptical amongst you will say its all coincidence, statistics show that every 23 minutes a German will do an Interweb search for some dirty words, so if you are a dirtry old man that gets his jollies off by being rude the chances are you'll get a hit from a German (why are the Jerrys such dirty shites?) well ok, my clever use of Rimjob in one of my titles did catch someone, it had nothing to do with my story its just a hobby of mine to waste a wanker's time and then tell them off.

I believe everything happens for a reason and its not my fault that half of yous are too stupid to see it, its the big big plan, keep looking and you'll see order in chaos, I have given that chaos a name and it is 'Blogjinx' as every Grand Wizard knows you have a -/+ 2 weeks for a Blogjinx to happen and so many are happening but you just might not notice them so pay attention.

Just so you know I accepted Jesus as my personal trainer so no more late night sex magick rites followed by a sacrifice and a barbeque, oh no,at 10 pm its a cup of Bovril followed by 12 beers then its off to bed for me until I wake up in a pool of piss or vomit (sometimes both) then I get up and have a good blog to clear my system.