Saint,President Or Big Fat Bag Of Issues?

Oprah Winfrey has done lots for charity, the most news worthy is the Katrina families that she housed and the cars she gave to her audience, she has now opened a school for gurls in South Africa called The South African "leadership academy," very nice I'm sure, 152 gurls will be given a better education than before, instead of 60 kids in a class there will be 15 and now they'll get makeovers and yoga, no shit.
I'm sure oprah isn't clouded by her own life when it comes to charity, you know black people and under privileged gurls as she was, on the news report I did see a token white gurl shoved to the front to represent .
Oprah interviewed over 5,000 kids to chose her 152, one when asked what she wanted to do as a career said airline pilot as she saw on TV they were all whites, well that's a good reason, you don't have kids do you Oprah? firstly theres playing the race card, a famous American tradition for johnny black fellow with a chip on their shoulders and then you know this gurl wanted to be a ballet dancing veterinarian with a big house and 3 dogs the week before, that was until her parents told her what to say.
Its good that you are doing something to help the poor kids of the world, though to me I would think it would be the duty of every overly rich fucker to do so. Oprah spent 40 million on this farm I mean school, she helped pick the decor etc so no doubt the murals cost 50 grand by a trendy new artist and has a gym and a spa, and of course a TV studio to interview the gurls for future shows.
Little Basha aged 13 was raped by an uncle and had no Nike shoes to wear so we took her out shopping, gave her a makeover, a tummy tuck and a new nose and now she looks like a whore but feels better about herself, fuck therapy.

Update

I'm not a big fat rich cunt like Oprah but I will be opening a pub in Denmark for one legged alcoholic Scottish fishermen but only those who are bitter balls. I need donations for drink as the porn was quite expensive.

I Get My Kicks Above The Waistline Sunshine.

Researchers with fuck all to do used the latest forensic techniques to detect even the tiniest fragments of cocaine on a batch of 45 used Irish Euro banknotes.
They found that 100% of them had cocaine on them, either enough to have been used for snorting with or a little due to cross contamination with notes being in the same wallet as ones with cocaine on them.
As the Irish are renown for being thick they also tested some coins and found they had been used for snorting with too.
Drug crime and gang violence has increased over the last few years, no longer is a simple drunken stabbing on Grafton street ,Dublin the trendy thing to do, now people are going to Northern Ireland to feel safe.
20 and 50 Euro notes having had the greatest amount of the drug on them, which is caught on the cotton used to make them but don't go around licking money people.
The booming Irish economy has been called The Celtic Tiger, I suggest they call it The Celtic Dragon as they all seem to be chasing it.

Island Paradise For Sale.

Want to live in yer own wee nation where you are lord and master over all that you survey? well I do so I was looking to start me own fully armed compound with religious followers but then I saw this.
A platform was built during World War II for anti-air craft defense for the Port of Harwich in Essex . eight miles from Essex and six miles of the coast of Suffolk it was sunk into a sandbar. Called HM Fort Roughs it was one of the many Towers built buy Guy Maunsell around the coast.
When all that illegal radio station crap was going on in the 1960's with the now famous radio Caroline ships there was also a station run by squatters on the fort, as you know squatters have rights too but 6 miles from the coast its a little more lapse in the force you can use to remove them. In 1965 Roy Bates evicted such squatters by force and then again in 1967, he wanted his own radio station on it and so he claimed it as his.
In 1968 the Royal Navy tried to evict him, heres how that exchange may have went.

Navel officer "I say old chap, do you mind leaving the towers as they are still the property of the Ministry of Defense , we'd be awfully obliged if you could".

Roy Bates ::::discharges shotgun into the air like an Iraqi dictator:::::"fuck off".

Navel officer "righty ho, sorry to trouble you sir, we'll be off then".

The judge ruled that Principality of Sealand as it was called by bates is out of British territorial waters so its all his , a bit like the ruling for the Cherokees to keep their land, they won but Andrew Jackson being a cunt of a bitter balls said, well lets see them keep hold of it, before he marched them out at gunpoint (a bit of yank perspective to keep them engaged) Their Royal Highnesses Prince Roy and Princess Joan of Sealand introduced a constitution, flag , national anthem, currency, passports and probably some rule about number twos going over the side and not clogging up the toilets and stinking out the towers, they have eight rooms in each by the way but where is the smell to go?

The Royal couple, look at his big chopper, no wonder a fit bird like her hangs around him.

In 1978 Dutch businessmen collaborating with German (probably nazi) businessmen while on Sealand to discuss a deal kidnapped Roy's son but were over powered and executed as per the laws of Sealand, ok maybe not executed, they were released with at least a kick in the balls as that's what I would do if they grabbed one of my sons, well maybe not Trevor my expendable son.
The main draw back to living on the fort would be the fact that's its a rusty old piece of shit from World War II and that all the Bloggers you'd never want to meet in real life life doon that direction, no offense but yous are a bunch of sick wankers .


For all their talk about being royalty the Bates don't even live there, 10 hefty caretakers do and the Sealand Royal family all have British passports, so they say fuck off to Britain until they needed to be airlifted by the RAF when there was a fire there, yeah that would be right, I wonder what healthcare is like on the platform .
If you want to buy HM Fort Roughs, you can't as its a principality, but for an 8 figure sum you can have squatter's rights, er I mean custodianship of the scrap heap, don't bother.

My Mind Is Like A Gameboy.

So anyway I was drowning my sorrows the other day, well actually it was a bag of kittens some bastard left by the road and I came up with game to play as the bag slowly sunk, a silly game really but with hours of endless fun. Take famous people and swop the initials of their first and last names and see how silly they sound .

Donald Rumsfeld being Ronald Dumsfeld
George Bush being Beorge Gush
Tony Blair being Bony Llair

You have to say them out loud to have any effect and it depends on yer accent, so anyway I had fun .

Talk About Things, Like A Shag In The Park.

Lynn asked me for a straight answer as to what I do all day, I thought that was a very strange question, do I cum off looking anything but straight ? besides the Bangkok gurlyboy that became wife # 5 I think it was oh and those times I was drunk and lonely at sea I am 100% straight, no offense to my poofer fans but I'm doing it fer the ladies 24/7. Still attention is attention.
Here is an insight into my day, I will take questions at the end which I shall promptly avoid.
I woke up got out of bed and dragged a comb across my head, sorry I left out waking with my usual giant erection, its the Eiffel Tower made out of mashed potato, takes up half the room but I like it and so do the rats, yes I do wake up full of the horn, so I fondle myself for a while and then say "that would make a good post" I talk to myself alot, it keeps me sane.
Jutting out of the Eiffel Tower is the desk that sits my computer, I do live alone but get broken into by Slavic Gypsies who look to do the jobs we are too lazy to do and to steal our white weemen a lot so this is the only safe place.
I check my e-mails, I always have tons, lots from heads of State from around the world asking advice, I have to be careful with what I say as I am connected to the old CIA Interweb , its a small price for cheap access, but don't joke to Americans about WMD's they aren't the sharpest plate in the cupboard and will sometimes miss the joke they are eaves dropping in on, sorry Saddam, those Yanks are so literally minded sometimes.
I enter myself for Blogs of note, send off my e-mail to the BBC about an Old Knudsen sitcom and I work on the movies Disney want me to do, Poo Pirates of the Caribbean about this black gurl called Pearl who dresses up as a lad and serves aboard a ghey Pirate ship and goes in search of Pirate Booty. My other two are for Pixar, animated crap but with an edge, 'Finding Abso' and 'Its a Thugs life', both about life on the street but with cute animals that talk, don't judge me, I have to live too. I then knock out 35 posts, 3 of which may make it to the Blog, the rest being crap I give to some of my fellow Bloggers for them to use.
I then read my very favourite Blogs, Old Bitter Balls, Fake Old Man Balls and Old Knudsen then its time for breakfast.
A pack of fags, fry up , 6 cans of Bass and a cup of tea then I'm set.
I sneak out the back door as that Kieran fella keeps hanging around the front to ask me questions about the war, he says hes writing a book but always keeps his hands in his trouser pockets like hes looking for change, a strange boy.
I sit in the library for an hour or two as the invisible moth demons won't follow me in there and I observe human behaviour and shush people, my book collection has increased 10 fold since I started going there, free books, wheres the profit to be made there?
On a side note as it didn't happen in a Library but I heard the song "brown eyed gurl" being used as a ring tone, no remarks about rectums please or I'll have to ask you ta leave, Van Morrison is one of them singers people say they like so as to appear as if they have taste, but if you had taste you wouldn't have a ring tone blaring because its not very fucking cool and how deaf are you?
After I get my books for the day I head over to the high school and watch the fights at break time and maybe place the odd bet with the teachers, if I remember my white coat I may make the rounds at the local hospital and then its off to work.
I never told any of you but I found this part time job that allows me to indulge in my passion of helping people, I work at the 'Ohhmm well being clinic' as a Life coach, could you all not tell that I was getting softer? also by getting in touch with my feminine side I've been able to pick up more birds Ka-Chow!
The odd week end I work the Ohhmm well being suicide chat line, hot line was too urgent and scary for our people, anyway what a load of depressing cunts that phone up that number but once they call me they never phone back. Telling them to snap out of it and fuck off seems to work, don't try to chat those ones up, theres a reason they phone up that line, and its always during my fucking lunch break. I answer and pretend to be a recording, I crack myself up.
Most of my nights end in drinking and bed wetting and making the leaning tower of Pizza out of mashed potato, not pizza, get it? that's irony my friend try it sometime.
Sometimes my life involves cheap hookers, dead bodies to dispose of and fisting Kav but mostly its the same stuff that others do. I'm sure everyone sees a packet of Kellogg Corn Flakes on the shelf of a super market and has flashbacks to the war and goes on a spree of destruction. Well I hope this gives you insight to the everyday life of Old Knudsen I'm just normal.
Now for some messages to some people I know.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: the Israel thing was funny but enoughs enough.

George W Bush: you know the asking price and no I don't take cheques.

Mike Read: you were a crap DJ and TV presenter, Mayor of London is the job for you.

Senator John McCain: are you ghey? cos you'll have a mandate in 2008 Mr Preez.

Marti Pellow: Good on ya lad, see? I told you, you could sing but Van Morrison? how pretentious .

Fidel Castro: What did you call my mother? that's it you and me outside.

Edward Norton: look at Dennis Quad's career, look familiar? pick yer films better, you started out so well.

Brittany: stop sending pictures of it to me, its like Africa big and dirty and no one in their right mind wants to go there.

Jools Holland: have I told you today that you're a wanker and you smell like Brittany's Africa ?

Another To Fall Off The Band Wagon.

Progressive Unionist Party leader David Ervine dies after suffering a heart attack, stroke and brain hemorrhage.
It won't mean much to you unbitter balls out there but I noticed. He has been sick for a few days now and I kept getting search hits on my shite meter 'David Ervine dead' which had me constantly checking the news, and other one I keep getting dead searches for is General than Shwe of Burma, which is odd as I haven't killed the cunt yet, but stay tuned, my horoscope did mention travel and Mystic Meg wouldn't lie to me.

I suspect the Russians in the death of Mr Ervine as Sinn Fein are thick as pig's shit.

Folk Song.

Its a day for dying it seems so enjoy old Knudsen's dark mood as he and his black dog honour and dishonour the dead, here is a folk song by Anonymous, usually they are writing stupid insults and comments before scuttling off but I like this.

At the boarding house where I live
Things are getting very old.
Long grey hairs are in the butter
And the cheese is green with mold.
When the dog died we had sausage.
When the cat died, catnip tea.
When the landlord died I left it;
Spareribs are too much for me.