Weekend Musings.

Old Knudsen likes to examine subjects and topics that has nothing to do with him or his life,
mostly just to stir up shit, I'm like the Pope in that respect,
though I don't diddle young boys, and unlike the Pope I don't refuse to wear a condom or look upon my days in the Hitler Youth with shame, Hitler Youth, best days of your life.

Old Knudsen's mind is way too active, but not in a way that could benefit him.
I write 20 posts and put them into draft and when I look them over to see what I should put up I think, these are not funny or clever,you should be ashamed of yourself, so then I pass them on to Maroon or Eater.
Old Knudsen has mental bulimia.

I heard a R.E.M. song on the radio the other day, (boom box to you young uns) it was about a sidewinder missile that sleeps tonight, I couldn't make out half the words, its said that Scottish pop singers all sound American (Proclaimers don't count) but I can understand them so try sounding Scottish, American singers, anyway I could picture the Michael Strapon guy flailing his arms about in his tard having a fit way and I thought of the movie, 'The life of David Gale' and then it all connected, the world for one brief second made sense but then I had another thought and forgot the last one, REM and Kevin Spacey have the same vibe about them, not great looking but very talented and interesting to watch and can turn dangerous and serious in a heartbeat, oh and totally stuck in the closet.

Why do all Stephen King books start really slowly and are unnecessarily descriptive , then have a bit of action in the middle and a fast unsatisfying ending? he seems preoccupied with people that turn out not to be as they seem and are pure evil, perhaps he spends too much time on the Interweb.

Then again if you want unnecessary descriptiveness just read Dickens, I'm a crap writer but I can describe everything if I wanted to, maybe when I get a name for myself as a famous writer and run out of ideas I'll start with the filler writing .

Brad Pitt is very pretty, hes also a good actor which is besides the point, I take a kind of jealous pleasure in knowing that his name is synonymous with taking a shit, its rhyming slang, I'm going for a Brad Pitt , Shit .

I was talking to Billy one ear the other day, I said "Billy I've had enough, I want to finally come out of the closet", Billy was a bit drunk and this seemed to make him angry, "no ya silly wee fucker , its for your own good if you don't", I felt trapped and alone, but I knew Billy was right, so I sat in the closet for another 3 hours while Billy drank and played Russian Roulette, 'must be a Thursday' I thought, why he likes to lock old men into closets when hes had a few drinks is a mystery.



89% of Blogs that contain the word 'Ramblings' in the title don't actually ramble.

75% of massages lead to sex

92% of Straight men have masturbated to gay porn.

93% of Americans claim Irish descent of some kind, and think its cool.

49% of Irish think Americans claiming Irish descent are funny as fuck but want their money.

51% of Irish are too drunk to think.

74% of the readers of this Blog want to shag Old Knudsen.

95% of statisics are made up by bored arseholes.

The Human Green Machine.

A few years back I was approached by a Government official to do a study on what resources could be harvested from the human body to enable field agents to stay behind enemy lines long after their food had run out.
Now I can't say which government he was from as I would be putting my life and yours at risk due to the fact that its still classified and being used today, ah fuck it, I don't even like you cunts, its the Yanks, they paid me a nice big amount to do it, well it seemed like a nice big amount until I converted it into pounds, you cow pokers and your Monopoly money.

During the war when we had the rationing, you remember that don't you yanks? you could only have 4 meals a day instead of 8 , well in Britain all we had to eat and drink was Tea (of course) Brown Paper, Tripe, and lard served on pieces of wood as there wasn't any bread, it wasn't much so we all sang a song to cheer us up.

We got no food but that's ok
Tomorrow is another day
Hitler won't you leave us be
Lets all have a cup of tea
tum diddly um tum NICE TEA!


It was originally 23 verses which I'll put up for you to liven up yer parties, we knew how to have fun back then.
We would spice up the soggy woodchips we ate for breakfast with some freshly picked Dingle berries, it would bring an unexpected tart flavour to your meal, that was only one of the bodies' forgotten orchards, no wonder the Yanks came to me, I know the old ways.

Belly buttons and between your toes were only good if you're a large family, (to thicken up sauces and the like) eating some strangers toe jam would be disgusting.

A soldier on the move may need a quick energy boost, if he (I'll say 'he' as weemen have no business being soldiers) has time to wank and eat his jizz then that's fine, you just have to put in the manual (as in handbook) that its not gay, its survival damn it.
If the trooper is on the run with the enemy closing in he won't have time to pull out his handbook and tug the lad so he should just wipe around his scrote and lick it off his fingers like KFC (just as much nutritional value) and you can do it on the move. Before you ship out spread some Vaseline around your bits and more food will be collected, a feast to be sure.

Eating shit is just disgusting (trust me on this) what are we animals or something? no we stay away from Poo Poo.
Now Piss can be used for condensed soups and Pot Noodles, once you try it, its difficult to stop.
The next and most important supply of renewable food would come from the nose, for some reason society has deemed it inappropriate to remove items from your nose with your finger and either wipe it on a wall or flick it, that crap started with the Victorians, those wankers wouldn't let you do anything fun.

For centuries Johnny Black fellow has been walking about living off the land and his own body, his tight muscular arse couldn't grow Dingleberries very well so his nose became his lunchbox, eat it right away and its like escargot or oysters , let it dry and it becomes crisp like (chips to the uneducated colonists)
Ear Wax and Hair Grease is good to keep your rifle working well or to cook with.

At the end of Old Knudsen's study he found the scummier the soldier the longer he would last, no skin flake or eye booger should be wasted.
If the Irish had some discipline and didn't turn on their own all the time, they would be the perfect soldier as being dirty shites is in their blood, a high compliment for me to give.


The picture to this post is Mr Bush showing a soldier what he picked from the part between his own Balls and his arse, otherwise known as the Barse, inspired leadership.

Why Bodyguards Should Wear Nappies.

It may not surprise you to know but Old Knudsen was once in the Secret Service, well a side branch of it, known as the Auxiliary Secret Service (A.S.S.) I must admit that the 60's in particular were not good for Old Knudsen, I'd like to offer my condolences yet again to the Kennedy family, hey, Teddy (or Gobshite as I call him) is still alive and free of any murder charges right at this moment, one out of three isn't bad.

After the Mountbatten incident of 1979 I thought it was time to move on to another line of work, my point is that I protected dirty dick crooked Fenian politicians descended from Mucksavages (Irish) as well as the inbred English Aristocracy, and before them was a Russian exile in Mexico and a Peace Monger in India, fuck that Gandhi was a mean drunk, but he could sure get the ladies, for some reason skinny dying fuckers always get their hole, you may be thinking that your head is itchy or that I was a terrible bodyguard, in my defense the assassins never struck when I was ready, they always went for the mark when I was having a shite, hardly fair, do you know how hard it is to get a reference from a dead employer?

The Metropolitan Police have excused a Muslim cop from guarding the Israeli Embassy in London, PC Basha ( no I'm a Politically Correct basher not a PC Basha) objected to the bombing of Lebanon by Israel as it was killing fellow Muslims.
Next you'll have Protestant Police not wanting to police Catholic churches, its stupid.

Old Knudsen gets pissed off when he hears about U.S. soldiers fleeing to hide in Canada because they object to the occupation of Iraq, its your job, and no one asked you, will you only fight in feel good wars?

This has been called the end of British Policing, you can't pick and choose who you are going to treat fairly.
Keep religion out of the workplace well unless you're the Pope or something, I demand more tolerance to our fellow man, be like Old Knudsen, I hate everyone, but I tolerate the fuckers.

Sean Penn and a shotgun saves the world.

Old Knudsen worries about the end of the world, you can never be too prepared or have too many guns, Henry will always be my # 1 but now and again I like a bit of rough and I'll fondle Billy's pump action, of course that silly fucker shouldn't have guns but since he got back with his girl hes calmed doon alot.


Do ya remember what happened in New Orleans? yeah yeah who gives a fuck, its America but still, I saw the news and it looked like a scene from Africa with the johnny black fellows trying to get help, of course I've never seen so many fat arses in the BBC coverage of Africa, "please save us, we need BBQ chicken or we'll die, what the fuck is this? Rice? we want uncle Ben's, take this shit back and get us Gatorade too".

Looting is very acceptable when order breaks doon, you have to get food and medicine and that nice jacket you couldn't afford usually, those in nice new designer clothes will be rescued long before the dirty tramps will. New Orleans was like a Microcosm for the End of the World, or TEOTW as I'll call it, no crazy Mad Max car chases, just stupid fuckers relying
on the Government to save them, do the yanks have a Welfare society now ? everyone complained about the response of the Government but I think they were lucky to get what they got, its like getting a retard to do brain surgery and expect it to be ok.

Well I'm sure Hollywood will come out with a movie, Tom Cruise is the only white guy trapped in the city, give him a white woman to protect from the black rape patrols to add tension, because we all know that's what black people are like , unless they are white friendly Black people like Jamie Foxx , Wil Smith and Morgan Freeman, cut to Ed Harris back at at the Fema HQ," we have a man in that city people and we won't leave him behind", all Tom would have to do is paint a sign on a rooftop saying, 'get me out of here, I'm a white Republican' yes he would need plenty of paint but when the white people in New Orleans looted, it was called 'shopping' so it was alright.

Expect more on Sean Penn in the coming 6 months, more pictures, more action and maybe something actually based on fact, away and fuck you people just expect too much sometimes.

For Shatner.

On board the USS Enterprise.

Captain Kirk sat alone in his darkened quarters, his large tight melon like stomach heaved before him, perspiration dripped down his face, he was on the edge and didn't know why.
"Bones, Bones" he yelled into the intercom, "what, theheck , is wrongwithme?" a raspy voice replied, "whats wrong Jim, is it the Klingons?" Kirk thought for a moment, "No , Bones , therashhas , gone , away", "sex Jim sex", Kirk smiled bashfully, "you do know , Ihavealways , liked, youDoctor", "not me you animalistic sex mad wang driven freak, I'm a doctor not a jar of raw liver, how long has it been since you blasted off".
Kirk stared at his fingers concentrating, " at least 2 hours Bones, ohmygodI've got, togetsome, what about Sulu?" "not your type Jim, he likes to go solo".
"Ok Doctor I'll callaround".
"Kirk to Yawhoreyou, report to my torpedo", "not if you were the last man in space Whitey".
Kirk thumped his table in rage, "Kirk to Mr Scott, I, havesomething , foryou, tofix". "No Captain, I canna take anymore, I was nae expectin to take it into action".
"Kirk to Spock, I , neeeeeed , youMrSpock".
"Spock here Captain, it would be illogical to fulfill your needs, I am not your space bitch, besides Captain, I am on my Pon Farr, do you think my ears make me look fat?:::sob sob:::".
"GoddamnitSpock , bring , meaTribble , then , Iwillgowhere , no , man hasgone before".
Little did the mighty Kirk know that Chekov had already gone there and was in sick bay going through a Tribble removal operation.


From The Urban Dictionary


Angry Kirk

Having sex with someone and just as you are about to cum grab them by the hair and scream 'KHAN!!!!'

I was really giving it to her and in the heat of the moment I grabbed her hair and screamed 'KHAN!!!' like Angry Kirk from Star Trek.



In memory of the great William Shatner.

Nevermind People, Cure The Mice.

Ok ya fuckers, settle doon I have some serious blogging to do.

A study has been done that showed long term caffeine use (found in Tea and coffee) reduces the risk of Alzheimer's in Mice that develop the disease.

Yes yet again Old Knudsen is going on about those hairy wee fuckers, no not the Greeks I'm talking Mice, answer me this, how do they know the rodents have Alzheimers? do they wake up in the middle of the night and cook a Turkey dinner? or ask when their long dead Father is coming home from work?
Who the fuck wants a load of forgetful Mice hyped up on coffee?

I read this story and then it started to become a little clearer as it went on, tea was completely left out and they only mention coffee, 5 cups of coffee a day will help protect you from Alzheimers, of course it doesn't mention fucking with your heart and blood presure, making you twitchy and having to pee like a race horse all day.

Ok coffee industry, I'm on to you, what was your last study on? oh yeah, coffee can help you live longer , makes weemen's tits perkier and gives men big dicks, just roll out the old big dicked Mice with the perky boobies.

You can't make shit like this up, well ok I could.

The UDA (Ulster Defense Association) which is a Protestant Paramilitary group in Northern Ireland, in other words Terrorist scum to you clueless yins out there have said they are willing to disband as long as the government gives it £8.5m to help it do so, wow, these guys aren't as dumb as I thought they were, most of the terrorist groups have gotten more into the drug dealing and protection rackets since the so-called cease fire and now the UDA want to be government funded dealers , the reason they have given is to become a community development body, during my days of visiting the province mostly at the times to celebrate the 1690 victory over the catholics and bathe my old balls in the golden shower of bitterness from Flute bands from all over the world with nothing but Papal hate and drinking on their minds.

I have noticed the communities that groups like the UDA live in, kirb stones all painted red white and blue, as are the lamp posts the fences,and also any dog that holds still to scratch , murals of flags and masked men painted on the sides of homes and if the home owner doesn't like it they can move, if they touch it they're dead, try selling yer home now , flags and bunting up all the year round, oh yes these communities are colourful alright, so now they want the government to pay for 74 ex UDA thugs to be employed to help the community with their own brand of decorating, fuck sake, they have some neck on them , and the funniest thing is, they say , however, this is not a prerequisite for ending paramilitary activity.

Dear Government, I would like you to give me £8.5m and I will stop Blogging, I need this money to employ 74 ex Bloggers only to comment on other Blogs, no more Blogging for us, well unless we decide at some point in the future to set up a Blog, so any chance?