Get Stuck In.

I think I would like to stay in Canada for a very long time.

I was just over at Sassy Sundry's place talking about bears with camel toe and then I started thinking more and more about it and before you know it theres a crappy no effort put in post about it.

Is it just me or is camel toe sexy ? I suppose its like seeing nipples poking through a blouse, I like it but then again I'm a Hornivore.


Of course there are always exceptions to the rule, it depends who has the camel toe .

I Was Once Stuck Up The Amazon.

Captain Memo could parallel park better than any Amazon.

Once many years back I signed on to sail with the Nautilus a fancy modern looking ship that could go beneath the water.
It was under the command of a Captain Memo. He was a strange man who hardly ever talked because when he did the crew erupted into laughter as his voice sounded as if he had been huffing on Helium, its hard to do a rant about the evils of man against his fellow man and the world at large when you sound like Alvin and the Chipmonks. I'm sure David Beckham has that trouble also but being pretty others tend to put up with him more, plus he is somebody he knows Tom Cruise.
To maintain crew discipline the Captain wrote his orders onto yellow posties and the first mate Monghella would slap them onto yer forehead.

The Nautilus being a submarine powered by Dilithium crystals that are commonly found along the coast of Wales could stay under water for weeks. To earn money for chewing tobacco and food we fished for Merfolk for their blubber and sold it to the Bodyshop for soap (hence the name of the shop) and we cut their tails off to sell to china as an aphrodisiac, from what I hear, even though they are good with maths the chinkys have small willies, and if they have trouble getting them up well it shows you what God does to non-believers, ah indeed a God of love.
As you probably could guess I was immensely popular with the crew as I get along with everyone.
I did have this gas trouble though, once it stank like the Devil himself had pinched off a loaf so I was going to light a match, then I thought how that freaks some people out so I decided to open a window instead , we call them Port holes, well on less you're on the Starboard side (the right) then we call them windows.
Yes I did forget about the being underwater thing.
To cut a long story short I was left to rot on a desert island with a postie on my forehead that said ' Dickhead' as the nautilus sailed away.


Have you seen my son Nemo? that little cunt is in for it when I get him home.

If you've ever been on a desert island you go through 3 stages, Denial, Despair, Paranoia , Crazy and Hallucinations, as I lived my life in these 3 stages I was already in trouble but I wasn't alone, I had a conch named Wilson who bestowed the title 'Lord of the Pies' as he taught me how to make pies out of sand and sea water, tasted like Steak and Kidney.
I was walking along the beach licking my lips at the sand when I saw some foot prints that weren't mine, being an expert tracker I could tell they were size 7 Manolo Blahnik black I think. I followed them doon the beach and into the jungle, I was like a wild animal on the hunt, all my senses alive ready to kill for survival well until I was pleasantly captured by half naked Amazons who took me to their city.

Living with the Amazons was very very hard, a lesser man would of shriveled up in the face of it.

It was not much to look at, not a straight angle in the place and the measurements were all off, weemen. I was the only male in the place as they practiced sex cannibalism and sold the boy babies on E-bay, not a great system if you ask me which was why they were quite happy to have me there. Now I wasn't looking my best after having spent almost 2 hours alone starving, eating nothing but sand pies and having no Brylcreem products.
I was on the Legendary island of Leezboss, and was made into their beast of burden, I had to do such labours such as lift heavy things and kill spiders, its bad when a population of 1000 weemen go apeshit over a tiny spider.
With every arachnid I stomped I grew in fame, I became like a famous gladiator armed with a slipper and a rolled up newspaper (The Amazon herald) facing the evil with those cool cruel compound eyes and hairy legs, the spiders I mean though the weemen didn't shave too much either and I think they may of been of Greek descent going by the hair amount .
Soon my talents were in much demand, everyone had a spider in their bathtub or thought they had one in their gunties and could I look.
Things progressed and I became the local stud, having seen the worth of men and how obviously superior they are they decided to keep any male babies and not eat their mate,(in a bad way) I tried to tell them that all men are bastards except for me but they wouldn't listen and so stopped boats that came past by waving their titties.
I was getting sick of the constant sex by a different woman every night whose only goal is to please me, ::::::yawn:::::::: I wanted to get back to Scotland and find a gurl there to have drunken belligerent sex with and if I was really lucky she'd be a shaver, Knudsen says: A hairy woman is a scary woman.
While the Amazons were busy with a crew of fisherman, I borrowed their boat and took off home, the weemen of Scotland were uglier and more aggressive than I remember fuck that's so sexy.

I do miss the Amazons, the greatest gift I gave to them wasn't tolerance and understanding , it was Greek fire, I was pissing razor blades, don't worry I'm cleared up now.

The Niece Test.

Dive and his Tokyo Times inspired me to make a 'spot my Niece test', so which one is she and no racist comments about them all looking the same, er hold on they are the same person, oh crap, which one is my Niece ? if only I could check her top inner thigh for a small birthmark.

Take Note Of Me, I'm Mainstream.

This is the belly of the Beast, or Susan to go by her real name, she claims this foot is my next to be born child, I'm not so sure as I don't even recognise her face but then again I went through this doggy style phase a while back, her hair looks familiar.

To make sure I'm Blog of note material I'm putting up the kind of post previous Blogs of notes would put up, I hope you have coffee at hand to help you stay awake.


This is little Damien, yet another pretender to the Knudsen name, maybe I should stop telling weemen I'm an eccentric millionaire .

Barry, Robin and Maurice, I met Jenny at a concert, can't remember who by.

Here is some grass I thought it might be interesting to document it growing, I will take another picture tomorrow to see the update, ohh goosebumps.

Here is my dog Sir Harry, this was just after attacking that slow and a bit chubby postman. I made the mistake of using a flash, wee cutie pie sure did some damage to my bitter balls, no more babies for me perhaps.


No I can't do this.

My one brain cell tried to commit suicide from boredom, maybe a nice picture of my niece can bring me back from sell out city. BLOOPER YOU SUCK! stop shoving us around, there thats better, if you haven't voted for Old Bitter Balls the anti hero for blogs of note in the post below please do so.


18th December is the day when Homos, Ladies and those like me on the Doon Low will be catered too on this Blog so stick around.

Attention Whore Or Revolutionary ?

These balls are sure to be bitter

I want to change Blogger, I want to cause a revolution. I want Old Knudsen to raise his finger high and say "come and have a go if you think yer hard enough" . I am not better than any of yous that read my shite, however I am better than those boring pretentious Blogs of note, yes I know I'll never get onto it due to being too sexy and swearing too much for fuck sake but I ask you my brothers and sisters go to this link and click once for Old Bitter Balls, I promise you that once I get noticed and they don't shut me doon I shall demand that we are treated like people that want a choice and not just shoved in their direction, go to Blogs of Note and cut and paste http://oldbitterballs.blogspot.com/ this is a choice for FREEEEEDDDDOOOMMMMMM, also a finger to the man.

Dr McSweaty

I went to the Doctor guess what he told me , he said I was ugly.

I went to my Doctor today as I Have been feeling a little out of breath and have a bad cough, I suspected the Asian flu, fucking Asians, finally getting their own back on me for talking about their yellow appearance and slitty eyes, some nice weeman though, well as long as you get them under the age of 35 because after that their tradition says they must get whacked with the ugly stick. It was said that only Nixon could of went to China, well that was a load of bollocks as Wham also went there, hence the bad feelings towards the British, well I'm not here to talk about slitty eyes, who am I Prince Philip? that fucking racist, no I'm suffering.

Of course when a Doctor's appointment is for 3pm and you get there at 2.45 pm do you get to see the Doc at 3pm? do ya fuck, if sick people can be on time, those at the Doctors office take their time because obviously you aren't really sick, mind games those bastards play. My normal Doctor wasn't there as he was sick himself, shows ya what a fucking useless Doctor he is if he can't even keep himself healthy, no wonder I'm falling apart, all his fault.

During the hour I waited I perused the stack of magazines on a little side table, Woman's own, People's Friend and a Trout fishing monthly from 1956, all very interesting. I then read through 'Senior Life' magazine, all those white haired smiling people that have now taken up parachuting or extreme slipping on ice, what the fuck do they have to be happy about ? do they take up these sports because death isn't coming at them fast enough ? then I read about a survey that was of interest to me. It seems that a study funded by the Geriatric swingers club of America shows that men in their twilight years that can still get it up make the best lovers, 87% of weeman have multiple orgasms with older lovers (over the age of 60) than a mere 42% of weeman with men under 60, hey I don't make this stuff up I just report on what I hear. I don't know why weemen bother with young men, why take the chance of having bad sex ? just saying. It also has a lot to do with where you get yer skin tags too, you see all these dildos with bumps and spiky bits sticking out, they are modeled after the old man's cock, I've got so many skin tags on Kenny that I call him the Pleasurenator . Kenny would be what my penis is named, please feel free to tell me the name of yer Knob in the comments men.
So you see getting old has its benefits.


Here is what my penis looks like, warts and all, that was a wee joke as they are skin tags, my willy wonker has inspired a line of Flicker Nubby dildos, or course its only that colour if the lass is on her moons.

I was getting annoyed at waiting as there were alsorts of unhygienic sick people about so I asked a few times where my fucking Doctor was and if I can be sick and on time why can't he do me the courtesy of being on time, a male nurse came out, yeah you read right, a male nurse (no offense to any male nurses reading this, its a lifestyle choice that I respect) this Florence was a big lad but I wasn't afraid, sure I made a few comments about him being a male nurse was he going to beat up an old fella like me? he took me to one side and softly told me that if I didn't sit doon and wait quietly he was going to sedate me and violate my body, he was joking right ? well if I hadn't been feeling bad I would have decked him so I went back and waited, that big Florence fucker kept checking on me with a smirk on his face.

"Are you trying to seduce me Doctor?" "Um no of course not, would you like me to seduce you Ben?plastics!"

When my name was called to see the Doctor I was sure glad to get out of there, thankfully my new Doctor wasn't an Asian, he was a Black chappy so I got to tell him my Asian flu diagnosis, he looked a little unsure about that so to put him at his ease as he probably isn't used to wearing a tie being from Africa and all I complimented him on his English, it was a little off in places but it was pretty good, he then told me he was from Kilmarnock, which made me laugh as we have a Kilmarnock in Scotland too, ah its a funny old world.

Look at these smug cunts looking at you , this is what they are saying "I'm totally going to get him a pink gown that shows his ass", "I'm gonna stick my fingers up his anus without wearing gloves", "I'm going to fuck his wife in the left nostil".

This lad didn't have a fucking clue, he told me to stop smoking, stop drinking drink and to eat better, what a fucking quack, that's what they always tell you when they don't know whats wrong. I told him not to fuck with years of Scottish tradition and to just give me some pills to make me feel better and I needed a refill on my Viagara (I only need it when I drink) but that stupid bastard said he was refusing to treat me until I started looking after myself, can those buckos do that? so what a big waste of time that was, he didn't even stick his fingers up me hole .
So that was my day.

Now here is the shock to all you 4 or 5 Old Knudsen readers out there, due to my social life being hectic with all those Christmas parties etc and having to look after Jill and Ted's (neighbours) doggy while they are on hols don't be surprised if I slow doon on posting, fucking real world, no I'm not going to fuck off for a week and then reappear all angry and jaded, if not every day I'll do every other day depending on whats going on, just breaking you in gently as the bishop said to the actress.

A Ham Shank.

I was thinking back to Old Knudsen's spank bank throughout the years and I remembered Nicolette Sheridan, then I remembered what Dive said about Stevie nicks getting old and bloated, then I remembered where my TV remote was, in the olden days the Tvs would not only be made with a wood effect but would have a dial to tune into the stations, now you can't even turn on some of the bloody tellys on without your remote and that's always the first thing to break, fucking Toshiba piece of shit, anyway back to spanking the plank.

The Martini adverts of old, had a young sexy gurl on roller skates holding a tray that had a bottle of Martini on it , the music sang,"anytime anyplace anywhere" how sexy was that? far better than the gurl on roller skates being pulled by doggies while a big ,man hating feminist screams, "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH BODYFORM, BODYFORM FOR YOU" , that second advert in no way gave me a stiffy but scared the crap out of me.

Nicolette Sheridan was that Martini gurl, she then went on to the film 'The sure thing' not a great actress but nice to look at, she disappeared for a while to turn up in one of them American soaps like Dynasty or something in which she snogged some dirty old guy a lot, I don't want to see that unless I'm the dirty old guy.
So disapproving and angry looking, so would you be if you had sex with Michael Bolton, why do older weemen with plastic surgery all end up looking like creepy cat weemen?

Now 25 years on she is one of the um sex symbols in desperate Housewives, the only nice one there is Eva Lungeria and she is an indiscreet sausage snacker.
Nicolette has gone the route of the panicked celeb, as she got older and found out that her audience is more shallower than her , she got the face lift, nose job, lips package and exercised to the extreme to achieve that muscled sinewy haggard look that men find so attractive, no more soft curves all chiseled and veiny .


Ah well my spank bank needed a clear out, those that aged gracefully are still in there, Virginia Mayo , Olivia De Havilland and Esther Williams, now you can all go and vomit, I have matters to take into hand.


Virginia Mayo
Legs all the way up to her arse, I won't sully her memory with some tacky joke about spreading Mayo on top.



This is what happens when you get too much plastic surgery, yeah I'd still do her.