Knudsen The Impaler

She never called me afterwards, I feel so violated but in a nice way.

I just heard that working night shifts can cause cancer. Fuck sake I used to work night shifts as a grave robber back when young doctors needed cadavers to fondle and cut up that's when I ran into Count Dracula ::::spits::::: dirty Slavs, that fucker bit me in the neck.

I said hang on a minute Boris I'm not ghey its these trousers they are just a bit tight around the crotch, look you can see my bell end through them.

The dirty Slav bastard wanted to bite that too so I tricked him, I pulled it out much to that coffin packers delight and peed on him blessing it as it flowed holy piss Batman.

I became a Presbyterian minister on the Interweb so it burned him like fuck maybe it was the asparagus that burned him well it fucking well burned me, like pissing razor blades I think yer ma gave me the clap.

I told you he was a fucking up hill grave digger.

He ran off screaming that he smelled like piss as if that's a bad thing welcome to my world.

I staggered to the ER as my life blood seeped out of my neck.

Two doctors were telling each other how they felt while a nurse in room 218 was saying goodbye to an old dying woman who taught her how to live again the place was like a fucking soap opera, "hello I'm fucking bleeding to death here" after I filled out a form I was put in a cubical my clothes were cover in blood and I was feeling weak, in walked a good looking male doctor with perfect hair, "hello I'm doctor McSweatyarsecrack and what seems to be the trouble with you?" I mumbled that I was bleeding from the neck after being bitten by a Slav, he looked angry "nasty things those Slavs I'll get you a tetanus jab and top up of blood" he turned to leave his soft bouncy hair gently lifting in the breeze and I was able to call out "make sure its Scottish blood and not Fenian " as I passed out through loss of blood.

"I've got some good news and some bad news, the bad news is that you're dying, the good news is that I'm hot."

So I became a vampire but no ordinary vampire I was a crime fighting an evil hunting vampire, nah only kidding.

While most vampires move to America for movie deals and where the sun (our destroyer) is very hot I stayed in Killamory.

I only had to be careful about twice a year or summer as we call those days. In the North of the UK when people see the sun they either think its the end of the world or a UFO we vampires can walk in the daytime during cloudy days.

The cleaning lady only cums on Tuesdays

So being a vamp didn't change my lifestyle too dramatically. I had to wear black of course and slick my hair back oh and drain the blood from three people a day, if I missed a person I got grumpy as fuck. Its not as easy as you'd think to find victims to suck dry.
Its not like sex were you stick it in doon there, its more intimate, the last thing you want as yer sucking away is to see some head lice crawling yer way or see a bad case of dandruff getting all over yer black clothes.

Its hard to suck them doggy style so you can't avoid looking at ugly meals, if they are fat then you might miss the artery.

I'm not biting a bloke, maybe if it was Gerard Butler or someone but no I'm not having the rest of the vamps at the Tatty Twister (its a pub for vampires) saying I've gone all Transylvanian or Bohemian or whatever.


Children are safe cos I'm no pedo so that only leaves hot weemen, there is a sore shortage of hot weemen in the UK especially in Scotland where a woman is judged by her axe throwing abilities than her looks.
American weemen taste like plastic out gassing due to all the fake tits, the Canadian weemen are the ugly meals you have to bite while they are wearing bags but they are very polite. French weemen taste like garlic, I just don't like the smell of garlic nothing vampy and Russian weemen get you drunk with their high blood alcohol levels I went to Moscow for a visit and it ended up more like leaving Las Vegas I ended up on the 12 step program for alcoholics.

Meet my three brides, more like common in-law brides. You'd think turning three hot weemen into vamps would be great, 100 years for triple nagging and then they are off biting other men.

The older you get the less you can be arsed with hot weemen and all you can do is look at them while they make sure to stay out of arms length and I'm not as fast as I used to be.

So if you don't see me during a full moon then you know why I'll be off howling at the moon, no wait that's werewolves and the thing I do when I'm drunk as a skunk, pissed as a newt or intoxicated as a bastarding Lemur.
So if yer bit by Zoltan hound of Dracula do you become a vampire or just get rabies and die? ah such uninteresting questions my bloggers of the night.

So much for the three brides, divorce is not always hardest on the children.



I just thought I'd tell you this story as I heard that Dracula had just recently died of cancer, the night shifts of stalking virgin boys must have gotten to him, he got this big lump behind his ear, I blame his mobile phone I mean those signals just go through you to yer phone.

Nail That Coffin

A firm of Italian undertakers are using hot weemen in sexy calendars to show off its new range of coffins. They have sparked a flood of complaints in the staunchly Catholic country.

If this is in bad taste then call me tacky. I already equate dead bodies as being sexy so I don't see what the problem is, lighten up ya Fenians.

Evil Do-gooders

Appearing compassionate helps me get my hole, look how sensitive I am, I cry at sunsets.

Compassionate people piss me off, in fact at this time of the year the compassion button is flipped in many cunts and they walk about with a smile on their stupid looking faces humming songs about jingle bells which are as annoying as 4am car alarms and reindeers in need of a nose jobs, reindeers are dirty smelly animals that would either kick you or hump you to death during mating season, only fit for my dinner plate.

A rule of thumb, if it walks on all fours doesn't speak English and isn't Christian then the good Lord in all his wisdom has provided the soulless creature as food for the rest of us.

Don't get me wrong its ok to care about some things, like the safety of little children and hot weemen but if you also care about Africans, whales and world peace then yer just a walking pussy and need to be bullied.

Ever see the the film Beaches? I woke up in the middle and turned to my mate "sensitive John" and enquired " is that bitch not dead yet?" as he gurned away, he never forgave me for laughing at the end of that one, ah well that's what happens when you choose to watch that shite instead of a Lethal weapon film.

I understand about the likes of George Clooney going on about Johnny 3rd world fella, its good for his image but it gets draining after a while, emotionally and financially, everyone goes on about the cost of the war but never the cost of feeding the African militia that takes the food from the refugees they have just terrorised .

Africa is the place where civilisation started and then it got the fuck out and stayed out . (the middle east was the second home of civilisation funny huh?) The rock throwing primitives got their hands on some AK47s , even the so-called educated ones who say " I raped her because one time she came to my hoose wearing a skirt so I thought she wanted it" showers after sex because they think then they won't get aids. You want to stop the child soldiers? its called nukes the only language some people understand.

Speaking of which then there are those cunts who slag off the nuking of Japan in 1945, it all worked out well in the end did it not? people who say killing another person can in no way be justified are stupid twats, they hire others called the army or the police to stand up for them so they never have to be put into that situation and so can bathe in their moral superiority. A sheep with moral superiority is a thing to behold.

Get me a burka and 40 lashes stat!

Conscientious Objectors (CO) also annoy me, not the ones who really do believe not harming others due to religious beliefs or whatever but still go to war as medics or bomb disposal and show that bravery isn't an issue.




War isn't cool but I really do hate hippies.

The ones that are actually in the military and when a war breaks out they refuse to fight because they say "its an unjust war" or something stupid, those fuckers should be shot before they get the chance to run away.

I don't mind these hippies.

Or just those civilians who don't want to fight due to being cowards or political views, you know what they remind me off? when you work in the service industry there is always something dirty to do like unblock a toilet or clean up some mess, you get some worker that clearly states "I'm not touching that" as they go on yet another smoke break and talk to their friends, they are quite content to watch someone else do the dirty work, well that's what a CO does.

If you say "oh I just couldn't kill another human" then you haven't had someone break into yer hoose to do yer family harm or would you just stand and watch them rape yer children not wanting to get involved ?

Its the same with people that wouldn't kill animals for food but buy it in a shop that's delegating the killing so you can be morally superior.

Or people who say they wouldn't eat bugs as they squirm while watching Fear Factor, they just haven't been hungry enough, when yer hungry enough everything looks tasty, trust me on that. People say "I'm starving" when they skip lunch or if they have a cold "I'm dying with a cold" haven't suffered at all in my opinion .

In this post I've lumped compassionate fly by nights with cowards, the fact that they both hide in the left wing of hypocrisy is the common factor. You have to be a bit of both, left and right, good and bad to be of any use as a person or yer just a mouthpiece whose shit don't stink as you plan to go and feed the homeless at a shelter one time a year because its Christmas. Its handy that homeless folks don't eat during the rest of the year isn't it?

I've been feeling a bit bored and uninspired recently and have been posting on my news blog when I'm not here.

Those Silly Sand Savages Are At It Again

Gillian Gibbons a 54 year old British schoolteacher in Sudan, may face blasphemy charges for insulting Islam's Prophet. This could mean six months in jail, 40 lashes or a fine.

She had a teddy bear brought in by one of her pupils and they voted on what they should name it. The six and seven-year-olds choose the name.

Twenty out of the 23 children chose Muhammad as their favourite name, no shit as the little buggers constantly get brainwashed about Muhammad.

The other teachers are calling this an "innocent mistake" I myself think maybe she should have put some thought into it as the people she is dealing with aren't big thinkers, it was some of the parents who made the complaint.

A threat to Islam

Men are gathering outside the jailhoose where Ms Gibbons is being held in Khartoum and her safety is in question.

Ignorance of the law isn't an excuse but c'mon those Muslim cuntries do have some stupid fucking laws.

Its A Whacky World

Raymond King the 67 year old Belfast man who was one of 154 people on board the M/S Explorer when it struck an iceberg in the Antarctic on Friday can't wait to get back to the safety of Northern Ireland.
Remember the blind man with the guide dog from Northern Ireland who escaped the Twin Towers on 9/11? fuck they get everywhere, I'm not saying they are jinxes but just watch them ok?

Aaron Dallas could hear and feel things in his head and thought he was going nuts, it seems he had about five botfly maggots growing in his head after a trip to Belize this summer. His wife thought he had something on his mind.

A woman who has been eating her hair for five years, had a 4.5 kg hairball removed from her stomach, she used to say she was retaining water but in reality it was soft bouncy silky hair, she was discharged from hospital and sent to a shrink.

An Indonesian man has been nicknamed "Tree Man",because he has tree like growths growing out of his body after a cut he got on his knee as a teenager and it became infected. He was sacked from his job, his wife left him and he was shunned by his neighbours but you should see the wood he sports.

The 35-year-old can't work because hes lazy and is a bit creepy with a thorny personality , he cannot use his hands and lives in poverty with his two teenage daughters.

He hopes that US Doctors can help his condition, (good luck on getting health insurance stick boy) he spends his days whittling small animals onto the feet.

His dream is to live a normal life and put doon roots somewhere nice.

Donna Campbell became suspicious of her husband when he kept turning the TV off and disconnecting the telephone. It seems him and his mates at work won 5 million on the lottery and he didn't want his wife to find out.

Being a sneaky woman she googled her husband and found him to be among the winners.

She confronted her husband with the words: "Do you have any news you want to share with me?" and is now suing him for her share.

I would have said, to her, "pack yer bags I've won the lottery." Take that what ever way you want to.

I Need A Hero

Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

The Protestant Orange Order of Northern Ireland hopes to win a new generation of fans with their own superhero.

The Orange Order may dates the 17th century battle for supremacy between Protestantism and Catholicism (the prods won BTW) but now they have high hopes for this 21st century makeover.

No more King William 3rd of Orange, the small skinny bloke with the curly wig they now have a muscular cape wearing superhero type who can beat the evil T.A.I.G. (Terrorist Arsehole and Irish Gheylords) empire run by Darth Fenian and his legions of Stormstickys.

Orangeman David Hume says the idea is to make themselves more relevant to the young and "appear less stuffy and more homo erotic ".

They are to send out the superprod on Christmas cards but still need a name for him, Orangeman is too obvious.

Born on the 11th night of July beside a bonfire and a bottle of "beat the wife" with the mystical red hand birthmark on his neck he was taught the ways of the Prod by his mother Mrs Fishwife who wheeled him in his stroller to Fishwife road blocks where they shouted "No Pope here" and called anyone who wanted to get on with their lives "Fenian fuckers" while blocking the roads with their babies.

The superhero has the power to be pigheaded and close minded, his battle cry is "No Surrender" and can go into a steroid induced rage at any moment knee-capping all around him including his fellow Prods, he also has sex-ray vision and thinks hes god's gift to weemen because hes tough.

He does have his weaknesses, he flinches if you say, "power sharing, peace process and decommissioning of weapons."
Here are my suggestions:

Captain Taig hater
Paisleyman
Pumped iron to make up for his small penisman
Captain Shit-stirrer
No-man
Looks Ghyer than Johnny Adairman
The Knee-capper

Catholic master baiter-man

Bitterballs (I may have to copyright)

I can't wait to see his young side kick "Ulster fry" who has the power to throw half-bricks.

First Love Never Dies

I was just thinking about the first video film I ever watched, it was Hawk the slayer and it was at a friends hoose who could afford such extravagant top loading hi-tech machines known as a video recorder. Fuck they were expensive, TVs only had 3 channels back then and there was nothing on after midnight.

You'd have children just so you would have a human remote control to get up and push the big clunky buttons. One of the channels was BBC2 which only showed crap so you'd be doon to two choices.
That same friend with the video recorder exposed me to all things Ninja in years to come, the America Ninja series taught me to hate. Eventually Radio Rentals made it possible for me to rent my own VHS machine in the late 80's, by then we had 4 TV channels, ah the choice was too great.

John Terry who played Hawk the slayer recently played Jack's drunken surgeon father on Lost, I didn't know that until I did this post.

I still haven't gotten over the phasing out of records and now VHS is vanishing, fuck the rain forest and the whale, save the video.

Do any of you cunts remember yer first video?

Just What Am I Trying To Say ?

I like doors, the way they open and let you walk through them. I do not like opening them to see who is on the other side as I do not like surprises in fact I hate surprises fucking bastard surprises invented by lemurs probably.

I don't like buying a sofa and getting it home only to find the doorway is 5mm too short, that's not the door's fault, nor is it the doors fault when you have to strip the fucking door frame off to get the sofa in and yer doing it on yer own cos fat Billy who said he'd be over didn't bother his arse, I hate people who do not follow through with what they say, it shows lack of moral fiber and low character like what young people have.

Old Knudsen has the strength of a bear and I don't mean a fucking Panda and did it himself.

Remember if you are going to get a door reinforced and bullet proofed get the wall around the door bullet proofed and reinforced ya silly cunt or they'll just shoot through the fucking wall as you hide behind yer door.

I don't like front doors with windows in them, they can see you coming doon the hall, you can't sneak up and look through the spy hole (I love those things) Remember when train had doors that you had to open the window reach over and open the door from the outside? I was always worried I'd miss my stop, now they have those Star Trek doors with the big square buttons I hate trains.

I used to have to take one to my crab fishing job and sometimes I'd have a duffel bag full of live crabs to boil up at home. Depending on the time I was getting home at there might be school kids on the train, those wee fuckers would be complaining about the smell but didn't know where it was coming from.

There is always time to shove yer finger up someones bunghole.

I don't like sleeping with an open door, that's just an invitation for some sex starved woman who has seen me wiggling my booty around Tescos to come in and molest me, waking up with my dick in some hot woman's mouth may sound like a wet dream cum true but us oldies need our sleep, I usually just Dutch oven the nympho, if ya can stay horny after that then yer not human.

Speaking of not human Bogeymen also love an open door.

Yes I know this is Amy Winehoose but close enough, I left a comment on a story on my AOL news page about how Britney's granny shot herself in 1961 and how Britney lost her virginity aged 14 but pretended to be a virgin when her career took off (like anyone believed that) my comment said who cares? and called her a junkie white trash hoorbag, AOL deleted my commented and put a written warning on my record, I don't know why as she is all of these things and its not liable.

As one door closes another door opens, no wonder I feel a draft, keep a bit of bambo over yer front door for good luck.

Knocking on wood for good luck is invoking the tree spirits.

Saying " Bless You" when somebody sneezes. came from when the great plague swept Europe, sufferers began sneezing violently which was a sign of death. The Pope therefore passed a law requiring people to bless the sneezer and covering yer mouth keeps yer soul from leaving. The Pope and his law can fuck off, I bet he has shares in AOL.

The dried body of a frog worn in a silk bag around the neck prevents epilepsy .

If a dead person's eyes are left open, they will find someone to take with them.

A girl standing under a mistletoe cannot refuse to be kissed by anyone who claims the privilege and a naked woman on board a ship calms the seas.

I wonder how many superstitions are written by men.

Double Baggers

I know this young couple who are to put it in a nice way "fucking ugly" these two people fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way doon and then angry villagers clubbed them with ugly sticks.

Everyone says fat people are jolly, that isn't true, fat people are mean nasty fuckers that would eat you if you show any weakness. Now Mr and Mrs Ugly are quite jolly, she has the face of a horse, like Princess Margaret meets Amy Winehoose and Mr Ugly is a chubby were-pig. Lovely people, well into the church and like a lot of mingers they have great singing voices.

They had a baby 2 years back, and he looked a bit were-piggy and they gave him a trendy modern name, now I hear that in July they had two more children (talk about bumping uglies) they sent me a picture to announce their births and these two wee sprogs are the creepiest creatures to be born of humans, like bald monkeys with a skin disease.
I've said before that god has a wicked sense of humour when he not only makes twins but makes them both ugly. Thank fuck for plastic surgery.

I feel obligated to send a well done you ugly fuckers card back to them but I can't find one that advises them to stop breeding.

You'd think Hallmark would have something that covers that, I see they also don't have "why are you not dead yet?" cards and "she meant nothing to me" cards. People breakup by e-mail and texts and dear John letters, what about "I think we should see other people" cards ? I see a niche in the market and who doesn't like getting cards?

Tea ? Coffee? Or Ka-Chow!

The US Airline "Frontier Airlines" are putting their flight attendants or air stewardesses as I like to call them (even the ghey blokes) through self defense classes so when you ask for a pillow you may get yer nose shoved up into yer brain.

The course is being taught by Air Marshals who are known for ......................... I don't know not being on the same flights as terrorists maybe.

Get some Israelis over they'll show you how to kill someone at close quarters.

Ha! I dress to the left you facist bitch.

The Trolley dollys who are famous for their scary fixed smiles and chirpy impersonal voices will now become mile high killing machines who laugh at ragheads with box cutters, "what are ya going to do Abdul open a box?"

Old bat gets them out for the lads.

An Old Knudsen optimistic reconstruction of Nora in all her glory.

Nora Hardwick, who will be 102 next week, decided to pose topless behind the bar of her local pub in Ancaster, Lincolnshire as Miss November in a charity calendar for a children's football team.

Born in 1905 Ms Hardwick (which I'm sure she has seen plenty of in her time) didn't pose bottomless as then you'd be able to see her tits.

You never see the people naked that you want to see naked, as you can see I'm very pro active about that.

Its Thanksgiving for the Yanks today so instead of being smug and thinking how your people abused, tricked and murdered the Injuns that helped them survive look at my naked picture and give thanks that I'm such a big spunk and willing to share myself .

Unfortunate Headline Of The Week

Ex-Press Secretary Fingers Bush In CIA Leak.