I Give Thanks

Its Thanksgiving day and no I'm not thankful for the whole ethnic cleansing of the native Americans which was fun I might add and deserves to be celebrated I am thankful for these things.
That I have lived as long as I have with a good quality of life while many others haven't and don't.

That I defeated the Daleks with only 8000 people dying .................... it could have been worse.



That I'm not American, especially Texan for Floridian.


That my Knudsen hoors still love me even after the drugs had worn off ..... long story.


That I am so incredibly sexy.


That I tapped all of these arses.



But most of all I am thankful for the erections I get most mornings, its the little things that matter.

No I'm not saying I have a small willy ach do I not exude the confidence of a man with inches to spare?

Ribbed for her pleasure. Enjoy yer Turkey and stuffing.


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Friday Ramble

Hydrogen sulphide is a toxic gas generated by bacteria living in the human gut that is responsible for the delightful odour of flatulence.

The gas is also produced by an enzyme in blood vessels where it relaxes them and lowers blood pressure.

I am in no way shape or form making this up but smelling farts is good for yer health. I've been smelling farts for years now and I can still beat midgets to a pulp with me fists.

Ladies when yer man shoves yer head under the bed covers for a 'Dutch oven' he is saying 'He loves you and wants you to be healthy ' so suck him off to show yer appreciation. You would not believe how many ungrateful hoors who would pull out a razor blade out from their hair and slice you just because you want to lower their blood pressure.

Some people just do not know what is good for them so the next time yer in a lift or an elevator as the idiot Yanks would call it even though it lifts you up and doon and to elevate means to just go up let one rip and make them feel the healing.

Not faith healing as that is a load of bollocks but just remember ladies I am skilled in sensual massage and can bring you to orgasm with a rub of yer lumbar its not cheating on yer spouse if he watches (thats extra) welcome to fart healing, cum breathe in my egg and onion sandwich and not only will yer blood pressure be lowered you'll never have to trim yer nose hair again.


A Japanese plant has entered the Blogoshpere. Midori-san has attachments that measures bio-electric signals and these are converted into data by a computer translated into Japanese in the form of a blog.

It says things like, "It was a cloudy day" and "caterpillars are cunts" thats far more entertaining than some of yer efforts, yes you know who I mean. A Spider plant from London plagiarised it with its post ' It was cold today' for fucks sake I commented on that post and now I just feel used and not in a nice way either.

Did John McCain's brother 'Joe' call 911 to complain about traffic?

Operator: 911 state your emergency
Caller: It's not an emergency but do you know why on one side at the damn drawbridge of 95traffic is stopped for 15 minutes and yet traffic's coming the other way?

Operator: Sir, are you calling 911 to complain about traffic? (pause)
Caller: "(Expletive) you." (caller hangs up)

We older peeps can't keep up with the street urchins and their way of talkin and so get confused between 411 and 911. Don't look at this call as an elitist who thinks he is above the law and that being a McCain he can demand and expect an answer from the common pleb look at this as a lonely confused old man who is a reporter and stage actor who served aboard the USS Enterprise under Captain Kirk during Nam. Fucking sailors and their flared trousers full of semen.

Bob the builder popped a question to Barack Obama about illegal immigrants like Handy Manny taking all the building jobs and what would he do about it. Obama said something vague like change, hope and put them on an island and bomb the fuckers.

It turns out that Bob isn't a real builder and is really a member of The Village People and has an over due library book but who are we to judge?


Handy Manny looks extremely worried but who gives a fuck? Hispanics are crap at voting.


What is wrong with this picture?

Segregation in deep south America a time when black people were given their own drinking fountains but now because of cunts like Martin Luther, Spike Lee and Hugh Grant they now have to share a crowded drinking fountains with whitey. Have we progressed or regressed?

I'll tell you what is wrong with the picture coloured is spelled wrong.


Speaking of which I've done a fair bit travel in my life time. I explored the Nile and went up the Wha-tutsi on several occasions. Now folks want to blame aids on the Brits just because we shagged some African monkey eaters 100 years ago.
I liked the idea that the US government invented aids to kill off queers but really the US government are just so incompetent they can't even get enough flu shots out to the public. Bush never knew about 911 in fact he didn't even know about the dangers of pretzels until it was too late.

I blame the monkeys for being so damned tasty they are the true mastermind behind aids. Save a queer and kill a monkey.


Ellen DeGeneres is a leezer with a totally hot gurlfriend Portia DeRossi. I don't know if Portia is also a leezer but it is a waste if she is.
You can have Anne Heche but give us Portia. Ellen was going on about same sex couples and their influence on kids to make them ghey. She said she grew up with heterosexual parents and was surrounded by straight people all her life but still turned ghey. Good point I say.

Americans are flip floppers always trying to reverse laws on abortion or ghey marriage, now here in Callyfornia there is Prop 8 which is to get rid of ghey marriage in favour of traditional marriage. If the gheys want to suffer the slings and arrows of discontentment otherwise known as marriage I say let them.

C'mon right wingers let the gheys suffer too vote NO on prop 8. Marriage isn't taught in schools so it doesn't effect the kids in fact nothing is taught in schools today.
When I went to school which were the happiest 3 days of my life as you don't see the sky often when doon the pit we were taught the 3 'R's reeding, righting and rithmatic anything else I learned at the school of hard knocks but lube is common sense even for us blessed with the patented self lubricating foreskin .
Remember if you were circumcised that means yer parents hated you so you must be a total git.

For fucks sake is it Friday already I'm outta here its United nations day and time to celebrate.


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LOL Kittens More Like SOS Kittens

I just got this new microwavey and I'm just working out how to use it. Billy one ear tells me you need a box in order to get any channels which I think is a fucking rip off, that's how they make their money like extended warrantees. Go buy a computer but refuse to buy the extended warrantee and watch the salesman's face drop.

I did that once and what do you know that Olivetti piece of shit lasted the warrantee then my cat decided to piss on the thing. Fucking cats I suspect they are agents of the lemurs sent to infiltrate and harass us.

Which day is the first day of the week? some say Sunday but I say Monday. If its based on when God had his day off which was the 7th day called the Sabbath which was originally Saturday as Christianity allegedly cums from Judaism. Now with Protestant wisdom Sunday is seen as the day of rest and Saturday is drinking day and fight night.
So if Sunday is the day of rest it follows that its the 7th day right? So Monday is the first day of the week.

I remember when Sundays were ghost towns, the only thing that was open was the newsagents so you'd get yer paper and a carton of milk. No fast food places and no 24 hour anything.

The pubs would only be open for a couple of hours. I hated Sundays as there was nothing to do and boring songs of praise shite was on the telly and considering we only had 3 TV channels until the early 80's that was quite bad.

You can watch car racing on one channel, cars going round and round whats the point? some program for deaf people on another with dopey cunts doing sign language and making silly faces or you could watch a farming show on the third.

The worse part about a Sunday then was if you had forgotten to buy drink you were fucked.

I never slept well on Sunday night because I was pissed off at how fast the weekend went and now it was nearly time for work. Yer head would be turning over and you'd sleep without knowing you did.
Every couple of hours I'd grab my alarm clock and try to make out what time it was in the dark, then I'd count how many hours I had until I had to get up.

If I had to get up at 6am I'd wake at 5.30am still tired I'd look at the clock and then fall deeply asleep then my alarm would go off.

I like to be woken up gently, when that sort of stuff happens yer whole body is in shock and you don't even get a stiffy. The whole day it out of sorts.

I salute weemen because in the mornings my gag reflex is at ultra sensitive. I've been known to walk doon a street, choke and puke in the early mornings, how weemen take my 12 inches of man meat without choking is beyond me. One of the many reasons I didn't advance far in military ranks.

Aren't sperm so cute looking? how can some weemen spit them out? heartless bitches.

Breakfast is tough when its early I reckon I'm no a morning person, just say hello to me and find out. I once killed a man for saying a cheery "good morning" as I stomped him to death I shouted "whats so go about it huh? huh?" it was during a job interview and I never got it even though I wore a fucking tie.

I had this thing about eggs. I love eggs and I love chicken in fact I lived with a hen as my common law wife once, the divorce was messy but tasty.

I want to ride a hot midget before I die, that was on my list of ambitions to do in life just after making a species of animals extinct, fucking Dodos that'll teach them.

For a long time In the mornings I couldn't eat eggs because I'd imagine them cumming out of the chicken's bum as I ate and so I would gag. I don't need an anatomy lesson as to where eggs cum out its their bum and that's that.

I've over that now, well I cringe when shell gets into my fried egg when I break it. Which is funny as I have ate things that fell on the floor no probs if only my psychiatrist didn't have that restraining order against me, ah well that's what a blog is for.

So back to the top, I'm placing bets that not only can I get this microwavey to work but I can also get those feline cunts to spill the beans about the lemur plans for conquest. Why does Billy keep saying "Clean up on aisle 5" and laughing ?

Warning post may contain graphic midget images.

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This Blog Repeats On Me

Something I found on the Interweb and elsewhere and thought it was worth a re-run.

I had her vagina for a day and she had my cock, worked out well until she wanted child support.

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day




10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.




What women would do if they had a penis for a day




10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......






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