I Remember When All This Was Fields

Having done a 'deep' post, well when I say deep I mean deep for my readers as most of them read at an 8th grade level which would be 3rd year in a real school. I'm no sayin thats a bad thing I for one am envious as when I was 6 I had to get a job to support my Da and my 12 brothers and sisters, it wasn't until I was 9 that I found out I was actually in a street gang of pick pockets run by the evil Fagin who was fag in by name and nature anyway we were close.

Well I like this picture as it represents the world and my struggle to rise above the rest and see the truth plus its got a ginger in it about to feel pain. I obviously took this pic here in Southern Callyfornia when I was watching the lads do their bike stunts.

You know kids today don't listen to the wisdom of the aged and use words like, "Fuck off" and " If you keep watching us I'm telling my dad who'll kick yer ass" Where has the respect gone? I shouted over, "No don't shove those intestines in just hold them in place until the ambulance gets here" did they listen?


So is that a BMX or do they have a super duper cool name for them these days? its hard to keep up.
Remember when you were young you knew alsorts of unimportant shite and thats what kept you young and cool, now I don't know what the kids are into. It all seems so trivial.

There used to be this puppet in the UK called Emu (pronounced aimyou not e-moo) it was that Australian bird like an Ostrich and a fella called Rod Hull had his arm up it.

The bird took on a life of its own and would grab celebs and talk show hosts by the face and threw them to the ground, ah British culture at its best.

Violent, funny and good for the whole family .

In 1999 Rod Hull fell off the roof of his house while he was adjusting his TV aerial for a football match and died aged 63.
TV kept him alive and TV killed him. His son Toby took over the bird and he has cable TV.

Nowadays birds won't let you put yer hand up them and the kids have Emo (pronounced e-mo) its not the same.

Last week I was reading the lovely Pearl and she said about quotes making her feel old like when she quoted the Holy Grail at some young uns and they didn't get it. I gave this matter a great deal of thought and think its really also a knowledge of pop culture and history and that anyone at any age can have.

I had a wife who was only 5 years younger than me (God rest her soul) and she never got my references or jokes, yes that was the piano wire across the top of the stairs wife in case you were wondering. I hated that bloody piano, just because you can play half of Chop sticks doesn't mean you can play the piano .

Well with those lads and their bike stunts I was laughing at them and asking if they needed lessons on how to ride their bikes and as one kid kept on and on trying to lean his bike over and stand in the side and still move I shouted, "Use the force" which he got, you have to pick and choose yer quotes and dumb them doon. No wonder those kids are always fixing at their bikes.

I remember when bicycles had solid rubber tires and only one brake at the front, never stop at speed or you'd go over the handlebars, ach I remember when bicycles were called 'Bone rattlers' and a bike was the village slut.

Now if I could remember whether or not I took my pills today that would really help, the older you get the more yer short term memory goes, thats because there is fuck all worth remembering these days.


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Top Boob Inspector

During the Thatcher regime in Britain we enjoyed having a ton of horny Yank soldiers over, it almost reminded me of the war when I was selling an hour of my three sisters time for American nylons and chocolate, that was during my fat cross dressing phase that I don't want to talk about .
Retirement had bored me plus my sisters had seriously gone doon hill in the last 40 years so I signed up for the Killamory jet fighter school at the local US military base.

We all had to be given nicknames or call signs, I had a flatulence problem at the time so I was named 'Loosecannon' the navigator how would fly with me was named 'Duck.' One day we got a top flight instructor call signed Charlie. I was expecting some bloke to come walking in and what do you know I was right, he did have lovely long blonde hair though. Charlie went through a dog fight scenario and then asked what I would do, I frowned as if I was giving it some thought but really it was me hemorrhoids acting up and I answered "Kick his pan in" Charlie said that was too aggressive, too intense but I knew he liked me, in a strictly military way of course.

While flying with Duck on a training flight we spotted a couple of Zebulon fighter saucers, now those damned dirty aliens know better than to mess with Earth after the last time (The battle of Roswell 1947) but they were taking the piss. My instruments told me they had their space rays locked on and I couldn't avoid them so I shouted, "duck" and he said "what?" so I shouted "duck, duck!" but it was too late for Duck to duck and he got zapped, yep his goose was cooked alright.

The plane went out of control, I'm not violent by nature but I punched us out of the cock-pit, ever been punched in the cock-pit? its fucking sore, why do they make men's bikes with a high cross bar you can land on? designed by men-haters, er I mean feminists no doubt.

We landed in the freezing sea off the Scottish coast, the water would kill a Sassenach or Yank in 15 minutes but not me, being an old seman I tasted the water and I could tell what current I was in, I'd be close to land in about 6 hours, yay! oh they don't bother looking for us as their budget for the 'Killamory expendables' was quite limited. I held onto dear dead Duck and waited to drift home and hoped for his sake we'd get picked up before I got hungry.

Getting back to the base Charlie consoled me about losing Duck, no really the morgue lost him. I wanted to teach the Zebulons a lesson so after a BJ, shower, shite and shave I went looking for another plane. Stabber was recovering after a knife fight so I took his plane along with his navigator Emo. After hearing about how no one understands him and that he just doesn't like navigating he cares about it oh and don't forget the crying we took off in search of some revenge.

We jetted through the air and I shouted, "I feel the need, the need for some crack" but all Emo had were a few damp acid tabs so I took them.

On my CB radio I could hear there was a dogfight in progress, the Zebulons had cum out of the sun and shot doon Zipper, Ice-cream man was holding his own, I said, "we lose no more men today" and revved the plane up to 55 mph, I meant business.

Ice-cream man was panicking, "bogeys all over me" he shouted, I spoke up, "use yer sleeve like everyone else ya cunt" and set to work attacking the Zebulons. I shot doon two and the other three bugged out.

When we returned to base Ice-cream man came over to me and said "you! you can wipe my nose anyday" and placed a cap on my head that said Top Gun on it, I was able to exchange it for one that said "boob inspector."

Charlie got reassigned which is just as well I've had enough unhealthy relationships in my time, with my new hat I got all the pussy I wanted and weemen too.

I wrote a song about Charlie called, "Take my breath away" it was about how I was allergic to his aftershave and couldn't breathe.

I sold my story to some Yank with more money than sense, no idea why he wanted it of course I left out how we carpet bombed the Zebulon homeworld to stop their attacks, its hard to attack when you are neck high in carpets and the Zebulons aren't very tall.

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