Boxing Day ...... Hit Someone You Love ... Or Not

A real advert and real directions. Might cum in pretty handy for Boxing day (Today) cos after all that Turkey protein and drink yer farts are going to be a blast.
I always had the idea of sticking a Glade Plug-in or stick-up, up yer hole to fart summer meadows or piney fresh goodness. Yet another of Old Knudsen's ideas stolen by the man. They have a wire tap in my head you know. They know I know but they don't care you know?

1. Peel off adhesive and stick Subtle Butt onto the inside of your underwear or pants, exactly where you think it goes.
2. Go for it, Let'er rip, Have at it, Cut loose, Break wind, Gas it up
3. When you're done wearing Subtle Butt, remove and discard. If any adhesive traces remain, use a damp cloth for removal.

Tips for Success:

1. You want all the gas to pass through Subtle Butt. So do what you need to do to ensure none sneaks around the edges.
2. Subtle Butt can be applied to thongs by wrapping and securing it around the back.

Why would I wrap them around my thongs? I don't fart through my feet ......... though sometimes I do dribble doon to them. I'm old don't forget making it to the bog is a good day for me.


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When I Wipe Theres Blood

Today I would like you to bond with Old Knudsen, put a smile on yer face and cheerfully proclaim "When I wipe theres blood" to someone.

I have anal fissures , I have anal fishers. Have I gone mad? What year is it? 2008? you fools you killed us all its a madhoose!

Maybe its just me but I can't imagine movie stars like Marilyn Munroe or Cary Grant having a hot steamy dump or even just farting but I suppose they do/did.

I bet Steven Seagull after a bucket of chicken can rip off a few he would be proud of but he lacks mystery and substance and isn't really a star.

Farts are funny except when one of my co-workers at a job I had years ago would drop one.

He was a big lad with plenty of protein in his diet, what he would do was stand in the door-way of the tiny office we would be in and let off a silent but deadly canary killer of a fart that would give you symptoms similar to what I'd imagine Ebola victims suffer and with him in the door-way climbing out the window in a desperate escape for air and perhaps falling 20 feet and breaking yer neck was a viable option.

He'd also walk up to you and talk until the stench hit you. He was quite popular with the ladies though I suspect he used his death stench as a date rape gas.

Kathy Lloyd a favourite page 3 model from the Sun, here with her evil twin.

I was looking at the fine British news tabloid 'The Sun' and saw a story about a pretty young lass whose sex life was ruined because she had IBS and farted a lot.

What kind of man would be put off by that? She must date men who are on the cusp of turning ghey.

What man doesn't let off a string of cheek sneaks while pumping away? its a part of our charm for fucks sake.


I do salute the young lady Lindsay Best for talking about farting and sex as its a nice change from crackhoor singers failing rehab.

In my prime I was a magnificent gas bag, I'd fart on command and when I least expected it but always had the good grace to laugh at the discomfort of others.
An elevator or lift as the Americans call it is a fine place to conduct stinky business, a captive audience.


While we're on the subject of idiot Americans who don't speak proper they call an arse an ass which is a donkey or they call it a fanny when we all know that a fanny is a cunt or a vadge, no wonder the yanks are so sexually frustrated I put it doon to having their foreskins lobed off as babies but its because they don't know where to stick their willys and the weemen don't know what proper intact man tackle should look like, thank fuck for all those illegal aliens for they are America's future.

Its funny how you go into a restroom not for a rest but for a pish and while yer standing at the urinal you always let off a big fart as someone walks by, sometimes I believe those cartoons where tiny wee men are in my head controlling my body because if I was one of them I would certainly fart around for a laugh.

A bum and therefore relevant to this post. Yanks would call a tramp or wino a bum which confuses the whole anal sex issue.
I have no idea where this post is going but stay with me like a sticky shite that refuses to be wiped away just before you have to go out.

People go on about dogs and how they can sense an earthquake before it happens or can smell cancer in a person's body, I've never looked at a dog happily munching away on cat shite and thought 'ah there is much we can learn from such a noble beast.'

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Fart Proudly

Sometimes old people don't know they have farted until they feel the wet patch.

Kirkham Street Sports and Social Club in Devon has banned a 77-year-old Maurice Fox from breaking wind while indoors. He got a letter saying his actions had disgusted other members and could he stay near the front door so he could leave when required to blow off .

I am disgusted, firstly at the name Maurice and secondly I didn't fight the Germans at pearl Harbour the Japs at El Alamein and the Zebulons on Rixar 5 just so an old man could be denied the freedom to let off a juicy one where ever he pleases.

This sort of in- fighting is the very thing that Al Qaeda loves to see. Kirkham Street Sports are just as bad as Hitler and Osama, you fucking fart nazis and terrorist enablers .

Mr Fox has been a club member for 20 years and knows that sometimes he gets windy and calls himself an old fart. Was it not Shakespeare who said " where ever you be let yer wind go free, for that's what killed me Horatio ?" I don't know to be honest because Shakespeare was overrated crap.

Mr Fox said he said that he had not received any verbal warnings, I'm not surprised he probably sits alone in his own cloud, he thinks someone complained about the noise as he is a loud farter but there is no smell.

Palace Place club another club where Mr Fox also goes has had no problem as they hold regular fart lighting competitions.

I am disgusted at this man's liberty being trampled upon , sure the UK is not a free country as there is no such thing but farts go back into history as far back as William the Conqueror in 1066 when he got off his boat to invade England he ripped off a wet one and said, "good arse I thought you were dead" which highly amused his troops and lifted moral enough to beat Harold's army.

It is thought that if Churchill hadn't of farted as much as he did then we wouldn't have defeated Hitler who himself was an much admired breaker of wind .

First smoking and now farting, welcome to the Soviet state.

Mr Fox, the time for honesty is over and guerilla tactics are called for, if you fart pick someone as a patsy and exclaim loudly " Jim, you stinking shite" or partake in the silent but deadly farts , once you do it move on to somewhere and then come back and yet again blame yer patsy again, soon everyone will be believing Jim to be the Connaisseur of his own brand and he shall be the outcast not you.

Old Knudsen Plays The Dating Game.

I've recently read some blogs that had the female Bloggers in dating situations and I've fought the urge to be all parental where these gurls are concerned as I know what wankers a lot of men (not me) can be. I just want to sit them on my lap as I stroke their hair and discuss how the only thing men want is their dirty pillows and their va va, then I'd like to run them a bath and scrub their backs while humming the Eskimo song of grieving then pop a porno movie onto the telly and have a game of twister.
Anyway I feel the need to talk to these potential suitors while I polish my shotgun, "hands to yerself, keep it zipped, yer best behaviour and back by ten, am I understood?" :::pulls back shotgun hammer::::::

I thought I would unleash myself onto the dating world so I signed up for UKdating.com to see what I would get.
I entered all my info and kept getting paired up with old weemen, for fuck sake, if I wanted a woman of my own age I'd go to the cemetery, dig one up and jump her bones, I like it when they lie still.

So I had to get creative and knock a few years of my age, well a few decades more like, ok ya bastards more than a few. I put my profession as a brain surgeon/part time airline pilot whose hobbies are saving African orphans (cute ones only) sailing my yacht around the Caribbean, staying at my summer villa in Tuscany , painting , poetry, tantric sex and foot massages.
It was a pretty in depth questionnaire so I made sure I added a few extra inches on to my size, I mean my height.

I put up a picture of my younger years which included my best jumper (sweater) a doggie, weemen are suckers for pets and some art to make me look deep.
I know some past remarkable cunt will nit pick at my stunning good looks , fucking haters, I so relate to Brad and George always someone jealous of yer beauty.
I think if I told people I was a centuries old one legged zombie sorcerer whose hobby is tormenting others and likes a swally I don't think I'd get much action .

I got a lot of female interest as you would expect, a couple of real mingers who I shall keep on the back burner incase the others don't work out, I got one Leonard Cohen fan, yeah probably all artsy fartsy and into the South Bank show and I got one that's into PETA and a perfect date for her is to throw paint at a Burberry shop (plaid is murder) and anyone that said they were into independent or foreign films, pretentious shites got ignored so I ended up going to dinner with a 32 year old single mother , a sure thing you'd think right? as she has a kid and all , not sure about that line of logic but all my mates say so .

A nice gurl but a lot of trouble to go to for a shag.

She was attractive but very unresponsive to my charm,she keep going on about how much older I looked in real life and did I ever take my hat off? and why did I have such a sour expression on my face? I didn't know if she was more like a Peeler (police) or an American, or maybe an American Peeler.
She got all snooty when I took her to KFC and made me pay for my own, theres playing hard to get and then theres cheap, but you should have seen the knockers on her, I pretty much didn't make eye contact all night, weemen love that, it shows you appreciate their boobs.

Half way through the meal and a pleasant conversation about leveling the Middle east and turning all the Sandsavages into slaves my tummy started to bubble, it didn't smell that bad, I mean I could of done worse as it didn't touch cloth nor did the turtle pop it's head out. I did say excuse me, it must have been the herbs and the spices. I got up and told her I was going to the shitter, its funny but it looked like KFC gravy when it came out if only I had a camera phone so I could post a picture. When I got back to my table my lady love wasn't there. I waited 2 hours then got a KFC flump'a'lump to check the toilets, nope no sign of her very strange, must of had a family emergency, quite rude of her not to tell me, I can't stand rudeness, so anyway I finished the food she had left, well what I hadn't already ate the first hour of waiting and I went home tired and lonely, and to think I washed my parts for this.
I'll wait until she comes crawling before I give her a second date, maybe its time to e-mail the mingers.


Rejections from weemen that Old Knudsen has had in his life that have all meant fuck off.

No.
I'm chock 'a' block
I'm seeing someone
Your'e not my type
I've got a terminal illness
I'm married
I'm engaged
We're not the same species
Not enough money
Get away from me or I'll call the police
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha !

When weemen break up and say to the guy,"we can still be friends".

What she means: shes met someone else or you're dull and she wants to end this
nice and quietly so smile shake hands and leave. You'll maybe only see each other
on the street and you'll nod hello and that's it.

What he thinks to this : pretend to take it well and pound a few beers later and hit some walls, oh yes I'll be her friend, I'll call her up and hang out with her and when I see weakness I'll either get back with her or teach her a lesson.