Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent

Bored bored bored, I'm so fucking bored today nothing is fucking happening of any importance for me to give my insightful and witty social commentary on. Bored bored bbbbb bored!

Oh I see a chunk of the arctic shelf broke off, its the size of Manhattan island, how cum they are always the size of Manhattan? Like big hail stones are always the size of golf balls. Anyway it drifted doon to the continental shelf and now there is a big fuck off bookcase in the way of boats.

See how bored I am?

Today I woke up in a pool of blood in my bed, don't worry the blood wasn't mine and there was a severed big toe digging into my back, "thats odd" I said, me alarm clock didn't go off I had it set so I would get up and push record on my VCR 'The true history of Bigfoot and UFO's in the Bible' was on the history channel, could my day get any worse? The answer was yes me poo was runny and someone had super glued me foreskin closed, fucking kids probably.

Bored bored bored there is fuck all to talk about today.

I see a plane in Indonesia has crashed killing 254 people, the tragedy is that one of them was a Briton. Why God why? no wait its ok he was Welsh. I love the news when it points out accidents and then reports on how many Brits were killed, it shows you just how much everyone else matters.

Sooooo anything going on in the country? any rain? car chases? or old people driving their car into a hoose by mistake?

Nope nothing happening except something ............................... Oil is doon to just over $30 a barrel and yet petrol is going up now that is weird. Oh they say its the cost of the special blend of Pixie dust they put into the petrol in Callyfornia during the winter time, um its fucking 80 degrees out there when are we expecting winter?

Southern Callyfornia on a bad day is like summer in Killamory.

Has anyone noticed that since the recession or depression that no one has been harping on about Global fucking warming? no one gives a shit now, America is either up to its tits in snow or flooding and doesn't have money to spare to save the fucking planet that keeps trying to kill us.

I've always said about people like Bill Gates that its easy to give a couple of million out because its not like he'd miss it, of course giving it to the Africans is a waste of time as they will just breed more.
All the recycling places are closing as China is no longer buying our trash which they magically turn into slutty Bratz dolls because we can't afford to buy them right now.

We'll soon see all the smug fuckers who went on about recycling to save the planet but were really doing it for the beer money stopping soon.

Still bored, paint thinners on the cock tends to sting a bit but I need a pish.

Yesterday was Martin Luther King Jr day but who gives a shit? Where is John Lennon day, Leon Trotsky or Archduke Franz Ferdinand day? thats fucking racist that is ok don't give me that they aren't Yanks crap thats nationist . To top it off February is Black history month or Black awareness month, "Hey you holding yer crotch and not quite speaking English are you aware that you are black?" I didn't know Americans did history.

Its not like they could be unaware unless they were Stevie Wonder or something. Black people or blacks of colour as those people like to be called bring enough awareness to themselves due to their loud booming inapprociate voices and that is without being on a mobile phone. Of course mobile phones aren't good enough for them they need walkie talkie phones that beep so you can hear the yelling and the annoying beeps too.

I'm not racist but really would they not like to go back to Africa? Any other black news? um nope.

So to balance out this racism I've made March 'White awareness month' I thought March would be ironic because of all the Nazi marching, er no not really.

Remember what John said, "Imagine all those people.............. naked"

April will be beaner awareness month, May will be Old Knudsen awareness month as my birthday is that month, no presents please ach go on then, June will be Hot Jap gurl awareness month.

I'm really looking forward to June.

July will be Irish belittling awareness month with lots of mentioning of 12th July 1690, "God bless good king Billy!"

Google it ya no nothings.

The rest of the months have yet to be decided, if you want yer own awareness month then just send me $5oo.

Bored..................

I suppose it could be worse, I could be reading this post instead of writing it.




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What If God Was One Of Us?

Old Knudsen never brags unless you count telling what happened bragging of course. I am one of the most important people in the universe as God himself comes to me for ideas and advice. All those cancer curing plants in the Amazon were my idea.

God needs to be entertained as Earth is one of his many reality shows so I put them in the Amazon as a challenge, you can't make things too easy.

Anyway at the moment the Juttron genocide on Xucrin 4 is vastly more interesting for him, he loves a good slaughter, you just have to read yer old testament to see that, oh yeah that was back when there were only 3 worlds to watch and two of them had nothing but photo fucking synthesis on them.

I invited him doon to Killamory to join in on the fun, he just yapped yapped yapped about the usual, mostly how I talked him into creating weemen and look at the state of the world.

I pointed out that if you look at the Middle east, world politics, the IRA and UVF, Nazis and the Minute 'Men' its 99% male. Sure you get the odd silly bint but really I just wanted a warm, soft, jiggly creature to stick ma dick into and talk too and God doth say'th, "What do you want to talk to her for?"

Adam was too busy breaking off sticks to hit things with to talk, not a big thinker that lad, blame him for the state of the world.

Yes weemen if you have a big arse and feel attracted to men wearing caps its all my fault. If not then its the Devils work ya fucking leezer.

God gets easily distracted and will put a volcano on and fall asleep and forget about it or he'll be making a man and add some bits of teenage gurl on her period by mistake and before you know it you have Americans.

I took God doon to my local pub "The Broken Bottle" for a few drinks, that deity is a fuckin lightweight, Buddha can drink me under the table but Yewah is anyones after a couple of piss like Buds. He was dancing on the table asking people who wants to be a millionaire?

By the end of the night we had a cage match to the death between Mental Eddie and Crazy Rat Sammy, there were Unicorns shitting everywhere because the whole Noah's Ark thing came up, oh it turns out that it was Norah's Ark which is why it ended up on the top of Mount Ararat.

The Raslon nation that was about to nuke Sweden got wished out of existence for a bet not that you will ever remember anything about it.

After 9pm things start to get a little crazy in The Broken Bottle especially on a Saturday which is blood letting night. God ended up going home with a couple of Polish labourers.

When I call God 'He' that's just for convenience sake, I don't think humans can have a real concept of what God is and to do so is just arrogant, unless yer me of course. Those two Poles are in for a right shock.

God is probably sitting on his sofa in Heaven with a hangover and the smell of polish labourers around his belly port flicking the channels on his worlds, while we lesser Gods sit on our sofas with a hangover and the smell of Polish labourers around our cocks flicking channels on our tellys looking for sex and violence.......................just like big G who made us in his er its image but just because we look like God doesn't mean our shit don't stink.

Yes God does wear a cap.

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In God We Rust

God speaks through me, he tells me I need to pee.

A wee two year old gurl Teagan Gislason, from Minnesota , USA, was attending a church service when she found a screwdriver, tripped and it stuck in her skull.

What the fuck kind of church was that ? I heard all about those yank churches handling their snakes and drinking Jesus juice waiting for the end of the world but to give the kiddies tools, that's Pentecostal if you ask me, all we do is sing, prey and fall asleep to the sermon, no exciting running about with tools for us.

Doctors were able to remove the screwdriver without surgery, and Teagan is expected to make a full recovery.

The girl's father, Neil Gislason, spoke of how God had helped his daughter."God was watching over her very hard," he said.

Ok back it up a mo, yer Fenians aren't you? Just like the McCanns who went to dinner and left god to look after their children and you know how that worked out.

If God was good with kids he would not have let her play with the tool in the first place so then you wouldn't have to start up a fund to pay for the medical bills, ever hear of luck? well you had some bad luck that turned out to not be so bad.

"I think He saved her for a reason, and I can't wait to see what that is." The inattentive father said.

Look out for the name Teagan Gislason in the future she could be one of the future leaders in America, the ones that inspire others like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Jamie Lynn Spears or Lindsay Lohan.

Will she be pregnant at 16, in rehab by 17 and a has-been by 18? I really can't wait to see what God's plan for this clumsy toddler is either.

God inspired me to write this post, he wants a new bad boy image, not the kind that saves toddlers with screwdrivers in their heads but the kind that gives the screwdrivers to the kids and tells them to run, for the past 2000 odd years he has grown bored with humanity and does things the same way as you would click on to this blog to be amused or grossed out, yes as we are made by the divine we are all divine. We live in the ultimate reality show and God is our audience who votes people off the planet.

The mother Katie Gislason is also stupid, "She's our Christmas miracle," I know when I pray its always for a child to get impaled then made ok and get a large bill for it.

Oh, God wants to say something to her, "Where was yer God when the star headed screw driver got stuck in yer kiddie's head? You were supposed to be talking to me at the time right? In my hoose.

I suppose yer going to sue me for leaving my tools lying about. I bet you think cos it was a Philip headed screw driver that was a sign like the Christmas star, well the Christmas star was light from Venus bouncing off Uranus, Heaven is full up so fuck off."

Doctors said neither Teagon's eye nor her brain was damaged and it didn't spoil her looks that hopefully she'll grow into some day and maybe change her name into something less silly.

If you want to be an instrument of God and pay their medical bills then send yer money to the address below or alternatively you can send yer money to me so I have a reason to continue to slag off idiot parents and their ugly children.

:: The Teagan Gislason Fund, c/o Provincial Bank, 20280 Iberia Ave, Lakeville, Minnesota, MN 55044, USA.

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