Ben Is So Ghey

The poor gurl has chapped nipples.

In America there is a product called Ben ghey in Britain we call it Deep heat, its been known as a cure all but I'm older than that and in my day we had Calamine lotion. A pink liquid that dries on the skin to stop itching. In the 1950's doctors advised heavy tar cigarettes to cure a chesty cough, a horrible hot lemon drink called Lem sip for colds a cup of tea for any emotional trauma and every thing else was cured by Calamine lotion.

My aunt Bertha on my fathers side died of a heart attack so they covered her in Calamine lotion over night and by morning she was alive again, sure she may have chased doon the neighbourhood pets and ripped them apart with her teeth now and again but the important thing was she was alive again, the family blame her coffee drinking for her strange behaviour.

The famous Scottish missionary and explorer of Africa David Livingstone 1813-73 took a bottle Calamine lotion with him and cured malaria in the continent, the current batch of malaria was invented by the US government to kill off the darkies, he only died when he received a blanket infected with the new strain of malaria from the American reporter Henry Morton Stanley who said the now famous words, "Dr Livingstone, here have a blanket." If only the altruistic doctor hadn't used his last bit of lotion on those worthless blackies who didn't even make good slaves, yes another one of my issues, you give them a meal a day 20 lashes and work to do and still they don't appreciate it.

I've done 2 first aid courses so I'm almost a doctor meself, the best advice I give to people now when they feel poorly is go have a shite, someday it may be the only pleasure left in yer life so enjoy it while yer young too.


Latest OBB News Up-Dates

I Aim To Please.

I aim where I please.

We here at Old Bitter Balls like to fulfill the requests of our readers (as long as its no trouble) and one such request was to see my nipples, in sympathy with Filthy Friday that goes on at The Infomaniac yes I know its Saturday but it all makes sense to me here is a picture of my nips as taken in the old lion photo shoot I did when I joined The Doors, there were 127 of these taken and I've had to set up my own Blog to show them as no one else would leak them on the Interweb.
I've been Blogging for 6 months now man and boy and I've realised you can't just meet a fellow like myself and not be afflicted er sorry I mean effected, I've always had a certain something no not the clap, men want to be me and weemen want to do me, on occasion its been the other way round but I don't mind so much.
That shifty fellow Dive with the Spice rack even made up a word to describe my style.
'Knudsenesque ' , I want to go one step further and impregnate the world and how we live it, this shows the effect I've had on others.

You know you've been Knudsened when:

1) you call out my name during a sexual climax. this is according to confessions from Kav, Kieran, Footeater, Gaijin Gurl, Eddie Waring, ame and Lynn. Dive calls out his own name.

2) you get aroused when you see anyone wearing a flat cap.

3) you notice that you start spelling it 'weemen'.

4) you get fired for staring at a picture of a naked guy in a cap at work all day.

5) you ask yerself What Would Old Knudsen Do?

6) you have given up on Oil of Olay and Ponds in favour of bathing in the blood of runaways and snorting lines of stem cells in order to look young.

7) your language and grammar has gotten worse even though you teach English and have 10 PHD's .

8) you slip historical facts and hidden meaning into posts and write about Northern Ireland to annoy people.

9) you claim things are in the bible and actually believe it.

10) you come here for up to the minute news.

You Get What You Pay For.

I'm in love with Salma Hayek but she never returns my e-mails, nothing to do with the post I'm just proud to be a Hornivore.

Along with several Bloggers I also thought that Ernest Borgnine was dead. I found out not only is he not dead but he turns 90 today. Happy birthday, I will put you on my watch list for obituaries.


Fuck hes ugly, which is why I didn't put him at the top of the post.


The latest news in the world of competitive dying.

Julie Winnefred Bertrand, the oldest living woman in the world and oldest living Canadian, died on January 18. The 115-year-old from Quebec held the Guinness World Record as oldest living woman for just a few weeks, the pressure was just too much for her and she has been referred to by her rivals as "a flash in the bed pan".
The new title holder, Emma Tillman, born November 22, 1892 in Gibsonville, North Carolina, was one of 23 children born to emancipated slaves. Tillman had a moment of exuberance and lost the professionalism and dignity expected of someone of her position, much like when Nancy Pelosi was made speaker of the House of representatives and shouted about being the most powerful woman in America (Oprah sent her an e-mail saying I'll slap you down bitch) Tillman punched the air and shouted " in yer face whitey, who has the power now?" and did some body popping or whatever it is that they do.

Damn its hotting up, with so much at stake anything can happen, I will keep you up to date at least a week after its all over.

I was in a shop yesterday and the guy had the radio playing behind the counter, I recognised the tune but never new who sung it then I heard the lyrics.

Close yer eyes, love isn't always on time, oh oh oh .

I listened to make sure of it thinking I'll mention this song on me Blog. I am the worst for mishearing lyrics, my previous post with Don't cry for me Argentina (insert link to post here if I could be arsed) proves it. I did a search for the song and it turned out to be sung by Toto who had two over played songs that were hits in the 80's, the actual words are.

Hold the line, love isn't always on time, oh oh oh

There was me thinking it was about unpredictable money shots but no, it was about phone sex of something.

"Hello Kieran my names Angel, I'm 22 and hot for academic types, what am I wearing? oh you naughty boy you just made my nipples pop up like corks, all I'm wearing is a G-string and baby oil made from freshly crushed babies and I'm rubbing it into my melon like boobies, Kieran? are you still there pet? oh you're done already? if you would like to talk to me again just request Angel".

To make a point for all those men out there with small willies, no names mentioned but they do have Blogs in my links. Size doesn't matter as weemen are doing more phone sex these days and the phones are getting smaller, I don't know what the attraction is with putting a phone up yer vadge unless it had vibrate or something but I never use someone elses phone, you just never know where they have had it.
Some dirty fuckers talk on the phone while sitting having a crap, ok I Blog while I'm having a Blog but that's different, you don't hear me grunting nor do you hear any splashes, maybe from now on I'll do a little ::::grunts::::: just to let you know what I'm up to:::pinches off::: just to give you a taste of my life, press Ctrl/Alt/Backspace/Enter to smell my life:::::splash::::::

Fecal matter flying about yer bathroom because you don't flush with the lid doon then you put yer phone to yer mouth and inhale yer own shit all day, go on use someone elses phone, if you're lucky its just been up some vadge.

I don't like to be pigeonholed or put into a jar, fuck off you grown up cunts, can ya spare a fag mate?

That's me off my subject ya bastards, I hope yer happy, well actually I don't, why should you get to be happy ? I didn't see you at the Alamo or Dunkirk, those Texans and British put up a hell of a fight, no thanks to you we got lucky.

Mondegreens, that's the name for misheard song lyrics. Another one I've been mis-singing for years is Neil Diamond's 'Forever in blue jeans', I would be going around belting out the words that I thought I knew and mumbling the rest, I'd give it some welly alright and I'd cap off the verses with 'Reverend Bluejeans hey!' well I thought it was about a trendy vicar that tries to be hip and cool by wearing jeans.

Remember what day tomorrow is folks, it maybe a ghey day but I'll be going around collecting tribute.