A Top Up

I wondered how you inflated those things. What a crap boob job. Being a fan of titties I am disgusted that this can happen in the 21st century. Never mind female circumcision or the socially accepted male circumcision I demand that bad plastic surgeons be executed for tit crimes.

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A Guide To Courting

Firstly crime doesn't pay, unless yer good at it. I was in the Killamory Crown Court today for slanderous disgusting charges. How could anyone think I could do such a thing? I don't want to get into details but let me ask you this.

If you found a dead but very attractive person what would do? why call the police? I mean they are dead, no helping them.

Maybe you if you were old and mentally fragile you could say you thought they were passed out and you tried to revive them like any good Samaritan would do, but without the necessary training you thought that using yer penis was acceptable, that doesn't sound unreasonable now does it?

Well I'm Presbyterian not Samaritan whatever Samaritans are but I'm sure they'll burn in Hell for something.


let me ask you this, why would God create so many orifices on a person if he didn't intend for you to stick yer lad into them? it makes total sense to me.

So anyway it turns out that the person was to turn 18 at the start of next month which leads doon the old kiddie diddling path, oh c'mon if I had found such a person they would have looked like their early 20's to me.

Talk amongst yerselves, does she not look over 18 or what?

What if you had already went through their pockets and found only some coins and a bit of gum in some tin foil ? how the fuck are you supposed to know how old they are ? they should put out public information adverts out on the telly for such instances so I'd blame the government.

My solicitor used the Spock defense, " Spock didn't have any siblings this we all knew for he grew up on the planet vulcan a lonely half breed with only his targ-pig to play with, then how come in Star Trek 5 did Spock suddenly have a brother? because Vulcans mate for life, this doesn't make sense, me talking about this doesn't make sense either so then if none of it makes sense then I ask nay I demand you find Old Knudsen 'Not Guilty' remember not guilty doesn't mean innocent which makes sense so vote now or die !"

Oh he was good, they couldn't find a jury of my peers so underlings had to do and they are so easy to lead, I got off and then I was acquitted, justice was served and now I am suing the family of the dead person if there was a dead person for mental trauma and whiplash.

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A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Genocide

Ok your not gonna freaking believe this dude , even I have trouble believing it.

I was at the weapons silo giving out toys to orphans but the taco I had for lunch was really making my stomach bubble so I had to go to the head.

You know what its like in those places the button to flush turds is right beside the button to gas Kurds. There was major gas and turds so it can get a little confusing.

I guess I must of had too much coffee that day and then my cell phone went off, it was my CIA weapons advisor so I had to take it, me and the house were tight back then teaching those Iranians a lesson.
So I flushed my poopy or at least I thought I did well the rest is history. Who hasn't had a day like that?


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The 6 Spots Of Death

You know what I saw in Mongolia? yaks and mongs. No Xanadu, Kubla Khan or even Chakka Khan, Chakka Khan.

I saw a story on the web that was titled '6 spots to see before you die' this panicked me greatly as I had developed several large weeping spots on my penal system.

I pulled doon me gunties and counted, thank fuck there were only 5.

I call that irresponsible writing, scaring an Old man who is in God's waiting room.

I don't get telemarketers making constant phone calls but instead the Grim Reaper " Old Knudsen this is death, I have some important business information for you, please call me back at ************."

Yeah right I will, the Nazis haven't got me, Dog the fucking bounty bar hunter hasn't got me all those weemen with their paternity suits haven't got me and nor will death.

It was a travel site with 6 destinations to go to, well I counted and my maths not being too good since book learnin gave me heart burn I only counted 5, I added the last one to insult you.

Mount Kilimanjaro
Alaska
Mongolia
Antarctica
Atlantic Ocean
Yer Ma's G-spot

I've been to all 6 of these, yep 'all' 6 and they were crap and I'm still alive so fuck yous, ok the last one did give me the clap and spawned you but hey I'm still standing except right now I'm sitting.

At the end of the world it will be me and Keith Richards feeding off cockroaches and maybe if I'm desperate enough I'll make him feed off my cock for that terrible film appearance in that terrible pirate movie he was in.

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8 Out Of 10 Men Have Tasted Their Own Jizz

I've always thought that dogs and cats were lucky jammy bastards, they sit around and lick their parts all day.

Old Knudsen has a confession to make, sometimes I can go a whole week without having sex with another living being (vegetables are alive) but my Pastor Bobby L Rapture says to be closer to Gog you should not got around with one in the chamber.

A wank and a jar of liver can becum boring after a time and I'm really sick of having liver for me tea 5 nights a week. I have suckceeded in achieving one of my life long dreams.

Men, if you want to suck yer own willy its best to be in shape, I touch my toes everyday, no really I still have the leg I lost to the Great white panda and like to touch the toes.

I watch what I eat, drink and smoke and I do my own stunts.

Its best if you have a really big dick so I found I didn't have to work too hard at giving myself some oral fixation. For beginners you should lie on yer back and pull yer legs forward.

So mum whats for dinner? will dad be there? what are you wearing?

Is sucking yer own cock ghey? is having sex with yer own clone ghey? Is watching straight porn ghey cos yer watching some naked bloke shag a woman?

I think it very well might be just like having a boy boy gurl 3-some but then so is a gurl gurl boy 3-some because weemen can be ghey too so if you like to watch leezers flick beans then yer ghey, for fuck sake 99.9% of the world is ghey, the gheys are right after all when they insist everyone is ghey.

Ghey used to mean happy but no one is happy anymore because of the media generated hate and fear, back in the day before idiot boxes and radios we all lived in ignorance and that was bliss, we didn't worry about what the wogs were doing, genocide wasn't even a word then, no pedos or serial killers to worry about the world was a safer place back then because no one knew.

When I left the Shire to tour with Gandalf and the Wizards the world became a smaller place and now I worry about alsorts of things I am too ill informed, we all are.

One week a cigarette cures yer chesty cough and the next it causes it make up yer minds. Having too clean a hoose leaves you vulnerable to germs and illness, huh?

I have one question before I leave you to go search for animal porn which is not ghey.

Did Princess Leia have sex with Jabba the Hut during her enslavement?

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I Hate People Who

Get bitter, and cling to guns or religion .

Shoot the fuckers and let God sort out his own!

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Mute-ish Monday

Poetry

Poetry is writing that formulates a concentrated imaginative awareness of experience in language chosen and arranged to create a specific emotional response through meaning, sound, and rhythm.

Tough to do mute I would think as posting poetry would be cheating.

So I'm going for something likened to poetry especially in beauty of expression a poetic quality or aspect and that evokes an emotional reponse in me.

And fuck muteness anyway, yous never get me with words and pictures with just pictures you'd be as lost as The Troll's commonsense and reason.

The poetry of modern slogans "Just hate them."

Jessica Biels arse. I'd drink her bath water and use her shite for toothpaste (if I ever brushed my teeth) she walks in beauty like the night so sit on my chest and have a shite.


Love kicks arse, love can bring a dead plant that just looks like a stick back to life. You just can't give up on it for if you do then it wasn't love.

A link to my favourite poeter, the picture makes sense if you click HERE.


The hollow victory when a rapist, murderer or pedo gets brutal justice. I hate their crimes and I hate them for making me hate .

L1A1 or just SLR, served for 30 years but was too powerful for the urban setting so we changed weapons to a wee ghey calibre like the Yanks have. I am fully trained on this weapon as I am others but I like the power and dependability these rifles have.

The power of a storm, the shifting clouds and thunderous tension and the frightening yet fascinating forks of lightning that catches you like a deer in the headlights. I go out in these storms and defy the Gods to smite me.


Erin Gray the reason to watch that Buck Rogers shite. I still get a stiffy when I see lip gloss.

I write poetry too, HERE. I am a well rounded person so fuck off.

The excitement of yer man/woman or team winning. Martin Riggs in Lethel Weapon can smoke 3 packs of ciggies, run 5 miles with 2 bullet holes in him shoot 15 baddies, hand to hand 5 others, get stabbed and still be able to knock 7 shades of shite out of the ultra baddie at the end. I'm exhausted after a crap I don't know how he does it but it gets my heart pounding.


Going to a lonely place without people and cars and just being.

The feeling you get when you hit a vein and get a load of hits in a day.

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