A Day In The Un-Dead Life

My cock still gets recognised even after all these years.

I like to share which is why so many of you have been given the clap and other maladies so here is a day in the undead life of Old Knudsen for ya.

For a change I woke up early I hardly ever see 10 am but for some reason Mexicans drive about blaring polka music out their windows. Fuck the Germans have so much to answer for, nothing good ever came out of Germany.
Polka music is so vastly un-cool even an old git like me knows this but if you watch Latino TV you'll see they are un-cool, it reminds me a bit of the tacky French TV shows I used to watch when I lived there.

I only watch Latino TV because they always have hot Latinas in skimpy outfits and I watch and think how degrading it is to weemen, degrading but fine wanking material.
I fried up some eggs and bacon and as I ate it I cursed it as bread and bacon are stinking over here, how can you fuck up bacon and bread?

I once read its healthy to have a glass of red wine a day so I knocked back a 6 pack of Newcastle brown ale to be extra healthy.

I feed and watered the bloke in the garage and told him he wasn't getting out until he gives me his bank pin number, that's a lie cos that fucker isn't going anywhere, such a big cuntry and so many hiding places for bodies I love it.

I staggered out into the hot midday sun, it wasn't as hot as the last couple of days only about 90 °F so I walked to the shops for some groceries as I'll probably be too drunk to think on my birthday its an excuse to drink not that I need one.

One of the staff was sitting on his arse using goof off on some plastic bins that contained dried out Mexican food. A gurl staffer came over and they started to talk, I eyed up the breasts in the meat section and listened.

The guy became very camp and animated, totally ghey, "This really sucks I've been at this for half an hour already."
The gurl who was a young Latina with Amy Winehoose eye make-up said, " Did Brian make you do this? that sucks."

She saw me and decided to hang about and do busy work making eye contact now and again with me, chicks dig the cap what can I say? she came up behind me and put her phone number into my trouser pocket and said, "if you want me to cook yer meat give me a call." Well that's how I remember it.

Before I left I told the guy he was lucky he didn't have a real job, I told him how I dug ditches for 40 years man and boy for tup-pence a week and the only time I got to sit doon on the job was when Frankie the foreman broke my legs for not digging fast enough, young people make me sick ................. except the hot ones.

I went into a charity shop called Goodwill to see if they had anything good and I saw the book pictured above.
I collect Buddha figures for good luck well more of an OCD thing I suspect its a hold over from my brain washing when I worked for the company and got this big white one, someday I may share my collection with you.

The cashier was a young Latina with perfect nails a nose stud and an attitude of being better than everyone else, she didn't even eye me up, must have been a leezer.

I got home and found I wouldn't be getting that pin number, maybe I should have cracked open a window in the garage or something. I got a pack of Rolling rock and watched the deadliest catch for 3 hours then at 2 am I made some chips ah living the dream.

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Delighting In Schadenfreude

Did you hear the news? No not the 78,000 dead from the cyclone in Burma nor the 40,000 dead in the earthquake in China but actual happy news. Edward Kennedy has a malignant brain tumor.

I laughed and said "buy yer way out of that ya big headed cunt" and don't you dare go on about the Kennedy curse, oh poor family with their big hooses, boats, private planes, drinking and womanising oh I feel so sorry for you all you fugly tossers, I never understood why people thought they were good looking, they weren't/aren't.

His brain tumor is the ghost of Mary Jo Kopechne the secretary he killed while driving drunk in 1969 when he crashed into a pond and managed to get out but left her there not reporting the incident.
He wasn't too worried he paid the parents $90,904 and they didn't take any legal action or even allow an autopsy. The police diver that first saw her said she was at a place where an air bubble had formed so was probably still alive for a good while.

The Kennedy's come from a dirty Irish clan who were the first bog trotters to wear helmets to protect their extremely large melons.

Ted's dad was a cowardly fuckwit who wanted to appease Hitler and it pissed me off to hear a dumb republican quote Churchill in reference to Ted Kennedys illness, how dare you sir.

Kennedy Snr lobotomised his own daughter who was a bit slow but they didn't want her to get pregnant and give the family a bad name so he hid her away for the rest of her life as she wasn't up to much after the operation .

All the Kennedys are sneaky shites, just ask the Cubans who the US trained to fight Castro but left them to be slaughtered what they think about Jack and Bobby.

Ted Kennedy is a true politician, he follows public opinion and changes with the wind. He was pro life until Roe vs Wade in 1973 then he magically became pro choice, some Catholic huh.

He supported the IRA and called for the withdrawal of troops out of Northern Ireland. When public opinion turned against Sinn Fein (AKA Fenian cocksuckers) in 2004 he snubbed Gerry Adams. Shit doesn't stick to old Teddy boy.

I'm already sick about how people are turning this wanker into a saint and hes not even dead yet. I hope karma gives it to him good, it took long enough. Wouldn't it be ironic if he died on secretary's day?

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Indiana Jones And The Skull Fuck Of Syphilis

Bill Homann a karate teacher owns one of them Crystal skull thingys. Yes we've been through this craze before with Arthur C Clarke and In Search of.

Now the crystal skull are the latest of those legends that you can make up any old shit about and top hippy scientists give their credentialed opinion about so it must be true.

Indiana Jones, Da Vinci code, that crap Nicholas Cage film that it hurts me to remember, oh yeah all of them have taken liberties and now young people who never heard the stories before think they know because they watch the films.

Like when Titanic came out and the young uns were shocked when it sunk at the end or the people who think they know about Spiderman or Ironman even though they have never read any of the comics.

Back to Homann he got the skull through the adopted daughter of F.A. Mitchell-Hedges who found it in 1924 in a Mayan pyramid in British Honduras, Belize, a lovely place to visit unless yer in the British army and stationed there to learn jungle warfare and then its bug infested crotch rotting hell but don't take my word for it go their yerself.

The daughter Anna Mitchell-Hedges who was there when the skull was found died in 2007, she was cared for in her last days by Homann and gave him the skull, I wonder what he had to do for it to make an old woman's last days happy. A little head for a little head.

The skull is carved out of a single piece of clear quartz, the life-sized skull features smoothly contoured cheekbones and a detachable jaw that sets perfectly into the cranium.

It is so scientifically accurate that a face of a young Mesoamerican woman can be reconstructed from it but shes ugly as fuck.

How it was made and by whom remains a mystery as the Mayans didn't even have the wheel.

The Mayan civilization peaked between A.D. 300 and 900 and no other crystal skull has been excavated, if the Mayans were so fucking smart then why didn't they make something useful like the Interweb or microwaves, oh that's right because they were fucking savages.

Scientists at Hewlett Packard in 1970 did tests on the skull and found that no modern tools could make the skull because the vibrations would crack the crystal. If it was made by hand, the Hewlett Packard team concluded it could take as long as 300 years to complete.

What the fuck do HP know? when they can make decent computers and printers then I might think they know what they are talking about.

The legend, based on the Mayan “Long Count” calendar, which runs out on Dec. 21, 2012, says that the ancient Maya possessed 13 crystal skulls that, when united, hold the power of saving the Earth from destruction in some kind of vague way.

On the 22 December 2012 I'm going to laugh my old bitter balls off, remember the year 2000? how many times has the world been coming to an end? 1800, 1900 and Heavens gate, ring any bells? not to mention the Russian cult that holed themselves up in a cave to wait for the end, oh the leader forgot to turn up so the Ruskskis put him into a nut hoose and now the dumb fuckers in the cave after several long months of playing 'I spy' have left, they'll be joining the Jehovah witlessnes , Morons or Pentecostals next, fuck I hate cults and the weak minded sheep that join them, feel my scorn and taste my corn.

The number of skulls in the world that have been found so far is either 3 or 8, isn't it great to have brainy scientists on the job?

Yawn fucking yawn its obvious that spacemen came doon carved a few skulls with lasers, helped them with their maths skills and said fuck this humans are so thick and took them off for food.

I don't think much of any civilsation that can't even invent toilet paper or zippers, sure with enough slaves and suffering I could build you a pyramid or two but don't talk to me about advanced civilisation until you can blown up millions of people with just one bomb .

That Indiana Yawn film lets hope its as good as the second (sarcasm there folks) Indiana Jones and the rest home of death, now old people think they can swing on whips and beat up Russians, who do you think you are Old Knudsen?

Indiana Jones (with the Welsh surname and Scottish dad) would break his fucking hip in the first 5 minutes just like the real James Bond who would be too busy having liver transplants to be a cocky womanising spy.

I'm off to watch the last Rambo film, I hear its really good. Like in the second one a gook chick asks him, "what is expendable?" and Rambo who has never gone to school cos hes only fit to be a Marine says, " Its like when yer at a party and you leave and no one notices." She then asks him what does exacerbate mean and to use it in a sentence.

Remember when movie stars did roles that suited their ages ? you may of had Cary Grant fucking a 20 year old but that's believable, at least he didn't hit the steroids to keep up with the younger stars.

Hollywood has become even more transparent and disposable an explosion has taken the place of clever dialogue and the actors don't need to act when stunt doubles and CGI does all the work for them I feel cheated, they should pay us to watch the films. I was going to rent something out the other night but for the life of me I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to see.

I like to see older stars in films but not playing young men parts in which they have to run 5 miles and karate kick 10 bad guys nor do I want to see bumbling old men who when faced with violence scream and die without putting up a fight. I want real characters who stop and think and say fuck this I don't do running with my hip and knock someones teeth out.

You know what I would do? I'd bludgeon the fuckers to death with the large crystal skull I had in my hands.

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Mute Monday: Different Strokes

For different folks......

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What Ever Happened To Good Old Mob Justice?

Yes yer honour I did indeed use the new feature on Blogger that means you can schedule a post to post itself in the future by changing the date and time in order to commit hate crimes many miles away but its not my fault I blame American society and its love of violence.

"Old Knudsen, you have been found guilty, death by blogging."

For fucks sake yer honour have I not done enough damage?

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Sunday Service

You should have seen her before her boob job.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Saturday Stuff

A toddler's t-shirt trying to explain why their spoilt ADHD sugar high brats always cry.

Posting on Saturday is a waste of time because it seems some people have lives, but not me.

Playing the lottery is also a waste of time so I no longer get a lucky draw for the national lottery for a pound, instead I get a quick pick for the super lotto plus for a dollar.

The lottery is tax for people who can't do maths but its also my retirement plan so fuck off.

Here in way too hot Callyfornia I hear the yanks go on about IRA this and IRA that, this pisses me off as I have served defending my country against the murdering terrorist scum called the IRA (Irish Republican Army) and thought only the wankers in Boston and there abouts were the ones who financed them.

Yes I was embarrassed when I found out that IRA means

Individual Retirement Account.

Yes its a crazy cuntry and people do get punched out by mistake, especially when they say they should invest in the IRA.

I prefer the clap off, imagine that you can get clap in a box and I don't mean a wet fleshy box surrounded by pubes and sores. How is yer ma by the way?

If I thought I could get paid for peeing the bed I'd be a billionaire by now.

I'm looking into real estate at the mo, yes I know the market is shite but I have a plan. I get a load of empty cardboard boxes and go doon to Mexico and sell them as hooses, with such beautiful accommodations they won't want to sneak across the border and do the jobs that Americans are too lazy to do.

My friend Buddy wants me to join the Minutemen which is a club of fat gun carrying rednecks who drink beer and beat up Mexicans, even though that does sound like a lot of fun, sort of like the Masons I think the name can be a bit misleading.

I told Buddy if there is a club called, "The painful four hour erectionmen " then count me in, my member will be a member.

You can just turn a street corner and find a free dinner just waiting for you.

Meet the ghetto bird, a police helicopter that flies over rooftops at night searching for lawbreakers with a light, sometimes they just go round and round the same bit.

For some reason the police know when I am about to go to bed and dispatch this annoying machine at that exact time to fly around my street.

In Northern Ireland you'd have the constant drone of a helicopter in a high up stationary position and an army spotter plane doing circles but here its low level flashy stuff.

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