Do Farts Smell Lovely In Heaven?

I was once a sergeant in the police force investigating the huge hippy populations on the remote Scottish Isles.
Hippies mean one thing, long hair and drugs .......... ok thats two things. I was tricked into walking into a huge wickerman when I was told there was free drink inside. All I found was death because those stoned hippies set it a light as a sacrifice to Harry Pothead the dark God of weed. These tossers were amateurs as I had already died and have been reanimated by a Voodoo zombie prince and still had 3 lives left. I didn't have the means to confine them and torture statements out of them so I fashioned a large wooden cross and bludgeoned them to death with the lard. "Kill them all and let God sort out the stoned."

Someday my time will be up and I shall sing with the Heavenly choir eternal but for now I'm sort of alive and kicking.

Who of those featured below do you think will die first? welcome to the very first and probably the last installment of Celebrity Death-race 3000.

Patrick Swayze was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January and given 5 weeks to live. The cunt is still ticking. His cancer has boosted his career and has given him a TV series called 'The Beast' which is about a large mutant vagina that goes from town to town eating people, what an ironic twist on muff diving. Swayze plays FBI agent Dan Bradwin and he and his animated space monkey partner follow the trail of *fanny* batter to find the killer.


Ted Kennedy famous for killing staff members and being the usual two faced Kennedy politician has a brain tumor. It has been said that the Devil himself will come up from Hell to collect this ones soul.



Some pubs or bars have betting pools on how long it will be before Barack Obama gets assassinated. Lets hope he fixes a few of Bush's fuck ups before he gets killed and immortalised as a saint.



Amy Winehouse has talent and whatever she is a tortured soul, with a face like that what can you expect? This chavette cannot last anymore longer, why would God do that? Why does God not keep good people like Paul Newman alive forever by giving them the wasted life force of people like Winehouse? I will be having words with that cunt of a deity when I go up to judge him on judgement day.


Bear Grylls eats rotting carcasses and squeezes the contents of a camel's stomach for water. He must have more parasites in his body than anyone ever. Its only a matter of time before the Sting-rays or the Lemurs get him. Drop him off in Killamory with an 'I love the Pope' T-shirt on and we'll see how long he survives.


Mahmoud Ahmadinejad the mouthpiece of Iran recently had a bout of man flu. Also one of his top yes men was found to have had a fake degree. Mahmoud laughed it off and said it was only a piece of paper. No Mahmoud it was a nit-picky excuse to get rid of one of yer people yer on yer way out lad. Yer last performance review was shite and the people are sick of you. You are the weakest link Goodbye.

Who will go first? or maybe some cunt jealous of not being included will go. Its like people you want to see naked you never see the ones you want. Those you want to die (I have a long list) will live to old age and you'll have a sagging pencil thin trollop saying, "Thats Hot!" thinking that she is sexy as she does now.



*Arse in America and vadge in the real world*


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Delighting In Schadenfreude

Did you hear the news? No not the 78,000 dead from the cyclone in Burma nor the 40,000 dead in the earthquake in China but actual happy news. Edward Kennedy has a malignant brain tumor.

I laughed and said "buy yer way out of that ya big headed cunt" and don't you dare go on about the Kennedy curse, oh poor family with their big hooses, boats, private planes, drinking and womanising oh I feel so sorry for you all you fugly tossers, I never understood why people thought they were good looking, they weren't/aren't.

His brain tumor is the ghost of Mary Jo Kopechne the secretary he killed while driving drunk in 1969 when he crashed into a pond and managed to get out but left her there not reporting the incident.
He wasn't too worried he paid the parents $90,904 and they didn't take any legal action or even allow an autopsy. The police diver that first saw her said she was at a place where an air bubble had formed so was probably still alive for a good while.

The Kennedy's come from a dirty Irish clan who were the first bog trotters to wear helmets to protect their extremely large melons.

Ted's dad was a cowardly fuckwit who wanted to appease Hitler and it pissed me off to hear a dumb republican quote Churchill in reference to Ted Kennedys illness, how dare you sir.

Kennedy Snr lobotomised his own daughter who was a bit slow but they didn't want her to get pregnant and give the family a bad name so he hid her away for the rest of her life as she wasn't up to much after the operation .

All the Kennedys are sneaky shites, just ask the Cubans who the US trained to fight Castro but left them to be slaughtered what they think about Jack and Bobby.

Ted Kennedy is a true politician, he follows public opinion and changes with the wind. He was pro life until Roe vs Wade in 1973 then he magically became pro choice, some Catholic huh.

He supported the IRA and called for the withdrawal of troops out of Northern Ireland. When public opinion turned against Sinn Fein (AKA Fenian cocksuckers) in 2004 he snubbed Gerry Adams. Shit doesn't stick to old Teddy boy.

I'm already sick about how people are turning this wanker into a saint and hes not even dead yet. I hope karma gives it to him good, it took long enough. Wouldn't it be ironic if he died on secretary's day?

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