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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Indiana Jones And The Skull Fuck Of Syphilis


Bill Homann a karate teacher owns one of them Crystal skull thingys. Yes we've been through this craze before with Arthur C Clarke and In Search of.

Now the crystal skull are the latest of those legends that you can make up any old shit about and top hippy scientists give their credentialed opinion about so it must be true.

Indiana Jones, Da Vinci code, that crap Nicholas Cage film that it hurts me to remember, oh yeah all of them have taken liberties and now young people who never heard the stories before think they know because they watch the films.

Like when Titanic came out and the young uns were shocked when it sunk at the end or the people who think they know about Spiderman or Ironman even though they have never read any of the comics.

Back to Homann he got the skull through the adopted daughter of F.A. Mitchell-Hedges who found it in 1924 in a Mayan pyramid in British Honduras, Belize, a lovely place to visit unless yer in the British army and stationed there to learn jungle warfare and then its bug infested crotch rotting hell but don't take my word for it go their yerself.

The daughter Anna Mitchell-Hedges who was there when the skull was found died in 2007, she was cared for in her last days by Homann and gave him the skull, I wonder what he had to do for it to make an old woman's last days happy. A little head for a little head.

The skull is carved out of a single piece of clear quartz, the life-sized skull features smoothly contoured cheekbones and a detachable jaw that sets perfectly into the cranium.

It is so scientifically accurate that a face of a young Mesoamerican woman can be reconstructed from it but shes ugly as fuck.

How it was made and by whom remains a mystery as the Mayans didn't even have the wheel.

The Mayan civilization peaked between A.D. 300 and 900 and no other crystal skull has been excavated, if the Mayans were so fucking smart then why didn't they make something useful like the Interweb or microwaves, oh that's right because they were fucking savages.

Scientists at Hewlett Packard in 1970 did tests on the skull and found that no modern tools could make the skull because the vibrations would crack the crystal. If it was made by hand, the Hewlett Packard team concluded it could take as long as 300 years to complete.

What the fuck do HP know? when they can make decent computers and printers then I might think they know what they are talking about.

The legend, based on the Mayan “Long Count” calendar, which runs out on Dec. 21, 2012, says that the ancient Maya possessed 13 crystal skulls that, when united, hold the power of saving the Earth from destruction in some kind of vague way.

On the 22 December 2012 I'm going to laugh my old bitter balls off, remember the year 2000? how many times has the world been coming to an end? 1800, 1900 and Heavens gate, ring any bells? not to mention the Russian cult that holed themselves up in a cave to wait for the end, oh the leader forgot to turn up so the Ruskskis put him into a nut hoose and now the dumb fuckers in the cave after several long months of playing 'I spy' have left, they'll be joining the Jehovah witlessnes , Morons or Pentecostals next, fuck I hate cults and the weak minded sheep that join them, feel my scorn and taste my corn.

The number of skulls in the world that have been found so far is either 3 or 8, isn't it great to have brainy scientists on the job?

Yawn fucking yawn its obvious that spacemen came doon carved a few skulls with lasers, helped them with their maths skills and said fuck this humans are so thick and took them off for food.

I don't think much of any civilsation that can't even invent toilet paper or zippers, sure with enough slaves and suffering I could build you a pyramid or two but don't talk to me about advanced civilisation until you can blown up millions of people with just one bomb .

That Indiana Yawn film lets hope its as good as the second (sarcasm there folks) Indiana Jones and the rest home of death, now old people think they can swing on whips and beat up Russians, who do you think you are Old Knudsen?

Indiana Jones (with the Welsh surname and Scottish dad) would break his fucking hip in the first 5 minutes just like the real James Bond who would be too busy having liver transplants to be a cocky womanising spy.

I'm off to watch the last Rambo film, I hear its really good. Like in the second one a gook chick asks him, "what is expendable?" and Rambo who has never gone to school cos hes only fit to be a Marine says, " Its like when yer at a party and you leave and no one notices." She then asks him what does exacerbate mean and to use it in a sentence.

Remember when movie stars did roles that suited their ages ? you may of had Cary Grant fucking a 20 year old but that's believable, at least he didn't hit the steroids to keep up with the younger stars.

Hollywood has become even more transparent and disposable an explosion has taken the place of clever dialogue and the actors don't need to act when stunt doubles and CGI does all the work for them I feel cheated, they should pay us to watch the films. I was going to rent something out the other night but for the life of me I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to see.

I like to see older stars in films but not playing young men parts in which they have to run 5 miles and karate kick 10 bad guys nor do I want to see bumbling old men who when faced with violence scream and die without putting up a fight. I want real characters who stop and think and say fuck this I don't do running with my hip and knock someones teeth out.

You know what I would do? I'd bludgeon the fuckers to death with the large crystal skull I had in my hands.


Sunday, May 18, 2008

What Ever Happened To Good Old Mob Justice?

Yes yer honour I did indeed use the new feature on Blogger that means you can schedule a post to post itself in the future by changing the date and time in order to commit hate crimes many miles away but its not my fault I blame American society and its love of violence.

"Old Knudsen, you have been found guilty, death by blogging."

For fucks sake yer honour have I not done enough damage?


Sunday Service


You should have seen her before her boob job.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.



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Saturday, May 17, 2008

Saturday Stuff

A toddler's t-shirt trying to explain why their spoilt ADHD sugar high brats always cry.

Posting on Saturday is a waste of time because it seems some people have lives, but not me.

Playing the lottery is also a waste of time so I no longer get a lucky draw for the national lottery for a pound, instead I get a quick pick for the super lotto plus for a dollar.

The lottery is tax for people who can't do maths but its also my retirement plan so fuck off.

Here in way too hot Callyfornia I hear the yanks go on about IRA this and IRA that, this pisses me off as I have served defending my country against the murdering terrorist scum called the IRA (Irish Republican Army) and thought only the wankers in Boston and there abouts were the ones who financed them.

Yes I was embarrassed when I found out that IRA means
Individual Retirement Account.

Yes its a crazy cuntry and people do get punched out by mistake, especially when they say they should invest in the IRA.


I prefer the clap off, imagine that you can get clap in a box and I don't mean a wet fleshy box surrounded by pubes and sores. How is yer ma by the way?


If I thought I could get paid for peeing the bed I'd be a billionaire by now.

I'm looking into real estate at the mo, yes I know the market is shite but I have a plan. I get a load of empty cardboard boxes and go doon to Mexico and sell them as hooses, with such beautiful accommodations they won't want to sneak across the border and do the jobs that Americans are too lazy to do.

My friend Buddy wants me to join the Minutemen which is a club of fat gun carrying rednecks who drink beer and beat up Mexicans, even though that does sound like a lot of fun, sort of like the Masons I think the name can be a bit misleading.

I told Buddy if there is a club called, "The painful four hour erectionmen " then count me in, my member will be a member.


You can just turn a street corner and find a free dinner just waiting for you.



Meet the ghetto bird, a police helicopter that flies over rooftops at night searching for lawbreakers with a light, sometimes they just go round and round the same bit.
For some reason the police know when I am about to go to bed and dispatch this annoying machine at that exact time to fly around my street.
In Northern Ireland you'd have the constant drone of a helicopter in a high up stationary position and an army spotter plane doing circles but here its low level flashy stuff.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Frivolous Friday

Let sleeping poo pirates lie

I just wanted to tell you about an excuse for phoning in sick a guy I worked with once used. His sister was probably the inspiration for "don't run with scissors" and "you'll put yer eye out" because once when they were kids she chased him with a pair of scissors and did indeed put his eye out.

John's dreams of joining the police or military were dashed which is how he ended up working with me in Tillyman's fish and chip shop.
He phoned up the manager and told him that his glass eye fell out and smashed.
Funny how these unfortunate things happen on Saturday nights. The manager was stunned and didn't suggest an eye patch or ping pong ball as he didn't want to sound like a cunt.

True story. I wonder if you fucked an empty eye socket would yer jizz alter the brain and make the other person/animal more like you? something to think about.

Knowing I was incontinent of North America a Blogger who shall remain nameless rushed over to have her wicked way with me.
I just want to thank her for those special 3 minutes of bliss (yes we did it twice) and for removing her teeth as she knows how much I miss the lovely ladies of Killamory.

Being an immigrant I qualify for all sorts of benefits as paid by the tax payer and am already close to my first million.

They aren't used to Scots or other semi civilised people so the bored beaner lady which is a term here for Mexicans (I suppose its like 'bean flicker' a term for a leezer) was taking my details and thought UK meant the Ukraine, we did have a chuckle and she never knew how close to death she came for thinking I could possibly be a Slav.

Look whats doon the road from me, those fucking Slavs are everywhere.


Don't Shoot Till You See The Whites Of Their Eyes

Pamplona has the running of the bulls, Crotcharea has the running of the blacks, some Mexican got stabbed by a darkie and I wasn't hanging around.

First observation about Callyfornia of the 21st century. No flying cars, blonde surfers or hot chicks in thongs and to confuse things more thongs are flip flops, what the fuck people?
I know English isn't the countrie's national language but really the Australians can do it and they are all alcoholics (I like Aussies) I'm no where near the beach of course so that explains the lack of hot beach bunnies but I at least expected hot cheerleaders and car chases I'm see the films I know what goes on.

I got an idea how General Custer felt at the Little Big Horn which was a battle not a vibrator though MJ may tell you otherwise.

You all know me I have nothing but love in my heart for my fellow man and lust in my groin for my fellow woman but where are all the white people?
I borrowed Buddy's mobile phone and put the Gestapo er I mean Homeland security on speedy dial. " Hello Homeland security, I've got two shifty brown guys speaking some weird language, its probably Arabic, do you want me to tackle them or will you send someone round?" ................ " Hello Homeland security, yes its me again, I see this brown woman speaking a strange language possibly Arabic no wait don't hang up, she is pushing a stroller with a blue fleece blanket covering it so it could be a bomb, no I don't know what targets there are in Rancho Crotcharea that Al Qaeda might be interested in but I'd guess if you call a shop 'Target' then yer just asking for it, hello are you still there?"

I got Buddy lifted by the peelers and his phone number blocked by Homeland security.
Now do you call them Hispanic, Mexicans or latins? I'm fucked if I know all dagos to me, with foreigners I need know no other language than English , I throw in the odd French word I know but usually I just speak LOUDLY and SLOWLY with a hint of DISDAIN and SUPERIORITY and they get the message, the latins avoid me for the most but the blacks act like I just pissed on their good rug, when they aren't speaking the hebe shebe ebonic crap they can communicate quite well.

White people are stunned as soon as I open my mouth and stare blankly at me not understanding a word, some get over it and rattle on about Ireland and how their grandfather was full-blooded Irish who owned his own potato. When I tell them I'm no Irish its like I just shot their dog.

Never try to explain England, Scotland and Wales as being English, Scottish and Welsh and also British and certainly do not try to explain Northern Ireland politics to an American, you'll get the blank stare and then they will start talking about Ireland again as if you never said anything.

I'm only Irish for Blog awards, free drinks and if it gets me my hole, other than that then I'm an Orange Oppressor and proud of it.
Asians I have no problem with as I have ordered many a gravy chip from a Chinese takeaway, in fact tonight while I dined at a certain Scottish place which you would have thought it would be better since it came from the States I got the eye from an Asian woman who spent 10 minutes yelling in her phone and being yelled at from the other end, mobile phones are now like walkie talkies so everyone can enjoy both sides of the loud conversation .
This woman looked at me 6 times, I get that a lot, I break through the language and race barrier with love.
Its fucking hot over here, its not dignified to wear shorts as that's for wee boys so I'm sweating like a hoor saving up for Christmas but I refuse to let the American sun beat me and my cap is staying on, I do miss the Killamory sun for that shone with light directly from Heaven.

Everything is bigger over here, the cars, the roads, the distances, the level of retardation and of course the waist lines.
Now I like a woman with a bit of meat on her bones but when even me with my huge penis can't reach the vadge due to fat then they miss out on their multiple orgasms and my legend is damaged, I still cum of course, "any port in a storm" as we fishermen say.
I was in Wal-Mart and this fat fucker on a power scooter nearly ran me over, I revved up my shopping trolley and ran the bastard off the aisle and into the energy saving light bulbs, 'bio hazzard on aisle seven' Old Knudsen isn't too lazy to walk I got out before the mercury in those things got me.

So anyway Buddy said he was going to take me to a 'head shop' I know Yanks call toilets the head and the Monkees had an LP called 'Head' but really I'm at a loss, unless its a place where you can go and get some head now that would be great. America may just be the second greatest cuntry in the world if that is the case.


 
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