I want to tell you about a time when I knew a man who started life as a simple carpenter but went on to become known to all and effect the way we live our lives. Yes I am talking about Harrison Ford, I would so wear that Indiana Jones khaki outfit with his hat and whip but I'm a fucking Spring, only those fucking Autumn coloured people can get away with that. The man is a twat, there that's him discussed.
Coincidentally another ex carpenter man I wanted to talk about was Jesus, I wasn't always the fine upstanding protestant you see before you, no, I was a sinner a drinker, a fornicator , a teller of falsehoods and I also sacrificed homeless people to the dark Gods. Yes I have indeed changed my ways as I never lie and hardly ever get my hole. A few years back I was a disciple for Jesus ,not an apostle, that would be Rod and his staff of comforters, like tech support for us. My main duties were to write scripts for him, put up posters and handout leaflets advertising the shows and to wash his feet . The feet washing was a little too close to my comfort zone for my liking.
Jesus was the son of God, well that's what he told us, I think he was embarrassed because his real Da was in a cult called the Essenes, a weird lot to be sure, like the Masons but instead of a secret handshake they hump each other's legs until they get a happy ending. He kept insisting he was from a virgin birth but everyone always brought up the bloodline that went back to King David thing he wasn't fooling anyone, hey I used to tell people that I was adopted and my real parents were dead, didn't make it true.
Moses messed everything up over on mount Sinai, he didn't bring doon the tablet that mentioned that everyone should be Protestant if they expect to get into Heaven (as all the Jews up in Heaven kept starting wars) so it was up to Jesus H Christ the first great protestant to set things right, to be honest the lad was a bit soft and kept going on about if someone hits you turn the other cheek to let them hit you there and if someone sues you then give them your cloak as well, how dumb can you get? to quote the Kenny Rogers song 'Coward of the county' " sometimes you gotta fight when you're a man".
He didn't believe in fighting for himself but his minder Peter always had a sword hidden to chop off an ear when needed.
I'm a kill all the trouble makers kinda of guy and that's the only way towards peace, just like God would, those fucking Hivites, girgashites and the Cannanites, kill them all and take their lands so that the master race er I mean the chosen people can live there, its God's will and you can't argue with that, well you could but you'd be wrong so when I wrote my first draft of the beatitudes they didn't go doon too well, not what he was looking for.
Blessed are the heavily armed for they understand the way of the world.
Blessed are those who run pubs for they are my best fucking mates.
Blessed are the children for they will inherit the Earth or whats left of it after we're done.
Blessed are those who hunger in the name of fashion and porno mags.
Blessed are apathetic traffic police for they shall not nitpick over 10 MPH.
Blessed are the pure of heart or as its also said,"a sucker born every minute" for they shall buy my swamp land to build thier hoose on.
Blessed are the meat pie makers for they shall be called the sons of God, yummy!
Blessed are those that support the death penalty for they are doing God's work.
Blessed are the bloggers but only those that read Old Bitter Balls, fuck the rest.
That's all I got to before Jesus twitched his finger and Peter threw on out of the room.
Everyone knows that Jesus was a little touchy about divorce, that was because his wife Mary Magdalene made sure he knew and understood the ground rules as he preached them to his flock of giggly teenage gurls who were in need of a good hard blessing and others who were just afraid to die and wanted to exist forever in fairy land listening to the Heavenly choir, fuck that, there had better be cable put in by now.
My humour was not always appreciated by jesus and the other disciples, when a woman was caught in the act of adultery the Scribes and the Pharisees brought her to Jesus and said that Moses (yes that fucker was a nutter) in the law commanded that she be stoned to death and to try to trick Jesus they then asked what would he do? (what would Jesus do?) Jesus drew in the sand distracting the priests while we slipped him a note with the answer, "he who is without sin among you , let him throw the first stone", oh c'mon I couldn't help myself a nice flat rock lay at my feet, that was my last day as a disciple they quickly replaced me with someone called Lebbeus Thaddaeus , I mean what a dork that guy was, lucky shotguns hadn't been invented then or this disgruntled employee would of taken the lot of them out.
I ended up going to the biggest trouble makers in town, it was a gang called The Jews, I told them my name was Judas Iscariot, as he was a skinny Goth dude that wrote poetry and therefore automatically suspicious of any wrong doing it was a perfect cover and I made up shit about how Jesus hugged trees and said that dreidels were lame so they went to the Romans and demanded justice.
A white blue eyed fella from the Middle east that wears sandals and is a bit of a sissy.Jesus wasn't a bad lad, he just wanted a compound full of his young firm friends that would worship him unquestioningly, I don't feel bad about touting on him, one less hippy, I'm the one people should feel bad for, do you see a disciple in the Last Supper painting wearing a flat cap ? and 30 pieces of silver isn't much after tax , poor Judas though, what a goat.
If this post offends any of my readers then I'm very sorry. Only kidding away and fuck, go to the Scottish Embassy and burn a Saltire if ya like, at least I didn't make fun of him for wearing a nappy on the cross.
Dedicated to all the Pagans on this day of the Winter Solstice, the rebirth of the Sun.
For further unfunny religious reading go to
here.
Happy Easter Sunday , enjoy yer chocolate eggs and bunnies because that's what Easter is all about.
