Webby The Wise One

"Hoots mon a creepy critter." translation from Scots gheylick of what he said.

I am here in America because of religious persecution and a left wing government that doesn't respect my right to human sacrifice luckily the Bush admin and the next McCain admin welcome people like me as the cuntry is full of nutters and crazy town religions.

Today I found myself lost and without hope, also I was sitting in a cave hiding from would be assassins and Jovohva Witnesses in flowery dresses who can be talked into joining any sect or cult if you could be bothered.

I saw a spider trying to build it's web but with each gust of wind it was broken but that wee creature never gave up.

I was reminded of the story of The great king of Scotland Robert the Bruce who was hiding on Rathlin island just off the coast of Northern Ireland.

Robert the Bruce was ahead of his time which was 1274 - 1329, he was politically astute and knew when to fight and when to hide in a cave .

He was always telling wee stories that involved spiders or Kung-fu fighting pandas, he got some mileage out of the spider story and there would be a lot of eye rolling as soon as he mentioned 'Webby the spider'.

Six times did the spider repair it's web just like the six times the English had beaten his army and on the seventh it succeeded in making it's web so Mr The Bruce said that he would try again and succeed and he did, sure it was 13 years after his exile but he made it.

Yep 13 long years of hearing about that fucking spider.

I sat in my dark, dank and dismal cave watching this determined wee creature building its web and sure enough on the 7th try it managed to build it's web then I splatted it with my wooden leg.

Stupid wee cunt did ya not know I was going to kill ya? what the fuck do spiders know anyway?

"Kill the hoors, kill the hoors."

Then I thought about Robert the Bruce and what he had learned from his spider:

"If at first you don't succeed then go kill some evil English."

Ah wise words, what would others do?

The CIA: "If at first you don't succeed deny everything and destroy all evidence."

Bloggers: "If at first you don't succeed just say Blogger ate yer post."

Men: "If at first you don't succeed get her drunk."

Weemen: "If at first you don't succeed nag nag nag."

Crap Actors: "If at first you don't succeed live for a long time and you'll get a lifetime achievement Oscar."

George Bush: "If at first you don't succeed point and say 'look a terrorist' and run."

The Chinese: "If at first you don't succeed export poisoned rice."

Great Britain: "If at first you don't succeed blame France."

America: "If at first you don't succeed its because you cut back on health and education."

Johnny Black Fella: "If at first you don't succeed blame whitey then steal his telly."

Al Gore: "If at first you don't succeed copy Micheal Moore."


I could go on but why should I try and try again? sorry that must be the depression talking lucky Robert the Bruce didn't throw up his hands and say "whats the point I'm fat and no one likes me".

I do think its a little unnerving that spiders have such influence on history and the actions of leaders, somewhere safely out of sight of my rifle on the Pakistan border is Osama Bin Laden (three names too) talking to Webby and hatching some diabolical plan to become king in the year 2014 thank fuck the world will end in 2012 according to the dead Mayans.


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When I Wipe Theres Blood

Today I would like you to bond with Old Knudsen, put a smile on yer face and cheerfully proclaim "When I wipe theres blood" to someone.

I have anal fissures , I have anal fishers. Have I gone mad? What year is it? 2008? you fools you killed us all its a madhoose!

Maybe its just me but I can't imagine movie stars like Marilyn Munroe or Cary Grant having a hot steamy dump or even just farting but I suppose they do/did.

I bet Steven Seagull after a bucket of chicken can rip off a few he would be proud of but he lacks mystery and substance and isn't really a star.

Farts are funny except when one of my co-workers at a job I had years ago would drop one.

He was a big lad with plenty of protein in his diet, what he would do was stand in the door-way of the tiny office we would be in and let off a silent but deadly canary killer of a fart that would give you symptoms similar to what I'd imagine Ebola victims suffer and with him in the door-way climbing out the window in a desperate escape for air and perhaps falling 20 feet and breaking yer neck was a viable option.

He'd also walk up to you and talk until the stench hit you. He was quite popular with the ladies though I suspect he used his death stench as a date rape gas.

Kathy Lloyd a favourite page 3 model from the Sun, here with her evil twin.

I was looking at the fine British news tabloid 'The Sun' and saw a story about a pretty young lass whose sex life was ruined because she had IBS and farted a lot.

What kind of man would be put off by that? She must date men who are on the cusp of turning ghey.

What man doesn't let off a string of cheek sneaks while pumping away? its a part of our charm for fucks sake.


I do salute the young lady Lindsay Best for talking about farting and sex as its a nice change from crackhoor singers failing rehab.

In my prime I was a magnificent gas bag, I'd fart on command and when I least expected it but always had the good grace to laugh at the discomfort of others.
An elevator or lift as the Americans call it is a fine place to conduct stinky business, a captive audience.


While we're on the subject of idiot Americans who don't speak proper they call an arse an ass which is a donkey or they call it a fanny when we all know that a fanny is a cunt or a vadge, no wonder the yanks are so sexually frustrated I put it doon to having their foreskins lobed off as babies but its because they don't know where to stick their willys and the weemen don't know what proper intact man tackle should look like, thank fuck for all those illegal aliens for they are America's future.

Its funny how you go into a restroom not for a rest but for a pish and while yer standing at the urinal you always let off a big fart as someone walks by, sometimes I believe those cartoons where tiny wee men are in my head controlling my body because if I was one of them I would certainly fart around for a laugh.

A bum and therefore relevant to this post. Yanks would call a tramp or wino a bum which confuses the whole anal sex issue.
I have no idea where this post is going but stay with me like a sticky shite that refuses to be wiped away just before you have to go out.

People go on about dogs and how they can sense an earthquake before it happens or can smell cancer in a person's body, I've never looked at a dog happily munching away on cat shite and thought 'ah there is much we can learn from such a noble beast.'

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The Crazy Ghey Phone Stalker

"Who are you wearing?"

I watch the red carpet shite at the Oscars even though I'm straight if anyone asks and it bugs me when the question is always "who are you wearing?" I want some big star who is confident in themselves to turn up wearing something off the rack in fact I saw suits being sold in Wal-Mart the other day, wouldn't it be great it Clooney with his smug I can charm any woman I want by just a wobble of his head grin to say "Wal-Mart!" I'm sure the Chinese make great suits.

I had phone sex the other night so my answering machine is a bit violated and wonky but if you tap out yer message in Morse code I should be able to get it. By the way phone sex and even cyber sex is shite as the stuff they make these days can't take a good pounding but hey I cum.

Oh and if you read this blog yer computer may get a virus as I've had a weeping sore on me bell end (not Dell end) for about a week now.

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Birthday Hoors

Today it seems that dirty, pervy , hornivores types that think they are so hot all have their birthdays so today is 'International full of yerself birthday day'.

No my birthday has already been so nice try.

Prince is a dirty wee Jovohva witness singer type who wears high heels, gurly make-up and pretends to fuck the stage when hes sings those sinful songs full of smut and filth. He is 54 today. I got sick of the wee shite 20 years ago but he hangs around like a fart in a phone box.

Tom Jones is Welsh, that's enough sin and burden for anyone but this cunt flaunts it. I know for a fact that he packs his trousers with rolled up socks cos I gave him the idea. Jones is 87 today.

Dave Navarro is a poofy guitar player who hangs around with other skinny dying fuckers who sprinkle cocaine on to their cornflakes and think lunch is a bottle of J.D. (yes I'm jealous) he tried to be cool but has since appeared in a Puff Daddy/diddy/doddy video and had his own reality show, yes he is now a media hoor, he is 48 today.

Morris Blackstaff is a famous porn star from such movies like 'Animal rights/animal wrongs' and 'Yer ma loved it.' At a premier of one of his films he was to shake hands with the Queen but instead he feed his long dong through his jacket sleeve and she shook his penis, since then he has been on my hit list, yes Mr Blacstaff yer end will cum at my hands, he is 56 today.

Liam Neeson from Ballymena, Northern Ireland a town where Old Knudsen used to reside is a Fenian cocksucker who refused the keys to the city only because its full of bitter Protestants who hated him when he lived there and still do, where is the love Mr Neeson? you don't deserve such an honour. A crappy actor who doesn't do accents because he can't, like Sean Connery but shite.

Neeson is 63 today and hates puppies.

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Welcome To An Episode Of

Conversations with my penis

"Whose a brave little soldier? its you, oh yes it is oh yes it is. Stand to attention for Daddy c'mon boy you can do it, oh yes you can my little mansy wamsy."

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Yuckarama

My good friend Billy one ear was supposed to travel from Killamory to Callyfornia this week and we were going to ingest lots of alcohol and get into fights etc.
Bloody hard to get into a fight over here the men puff up their chests, shout and swear at you but if you indicate that a fight is fine with you they look at you shocked as if you aren't playing the game right and back off.

I've got way too much testosterone for this cuntry.

I was crushed when Billy found out he was on a 'no fly list' due to drunken behaviour and saying the words 'bomb' and 'Allah' .
What was I to do? Well I got a train into LA as its always been my dream to urinate on the Hollywood walk of fame, Clark Gable got most of it.

I then went to a Hollywood eatery to see if I could see any famous people, lucky I still had some of my KFC bargain bucket as the food was pricey in there. No famous people but I did see yer lass Jennifer Aniston.

I'm not too attracted to her to be honest I may have watched Friends once or twice but I liked Chandler and the Fonz in it I think the weemen were mingers.
I did look whenever Jen's nipples poked through her top but that was about it.

I sat there on the patio while she lit up yet another Marlboro lite, she noticed me right off and her nipples suddenly poked out like corks .
I hadn't shot my load for a day maybe two so I said 'what the fuck?' to myself and turned on the charm, " do you mind if I eat while you smoke?" I asked dripping of grease and old Scottish sex appeal, she giggled and said she loved my accent and said she had been to Ireland.

I rolled my eyes and told her I was mostly Scottish and that I may have a quarter pounder with cheese but I was not from the McDonald's clan.

The weemen love that one, she shared my bargain bucket and ordered so wine, fuck this was way too easy I was starting to lose interest, she announced to me that she needed to go to the little girl's room for a pish and when she rose I checked out her arse, yes she did have some junk in the trunk this may not be a total waste of time after all.

She was too tipsy to drive her SUV hybrid so I had a go. I don't have a drivers licence but most Yank cars are idiot cars that are automatic so it was like driving a big bumper car. Nay probs except a load of stupid bastards were driving on the wrong side of the road.

We got to her Hollywood hills home which was very nice I must say, a little messy with pictures of Brad and Angie with their eyes cut out lying all over the place, there was also a lot of pills scattered about on the mirrored table so I nabbed some in case they were some good stuff, I bet they turn out to be stool softeners ah well I need it.

We staggered upstairs she wanted to kiss me I closed my eyes and thought of Sophia Loren.

We ripped our clothes off and I took her doggy style, it was over fast and at least I came which was the point. She wanted to go again but I said no she could squeeze out a hot lunch onto my chest and take pictures for my blog but that was it.

Then I said I'd shag her if she had a paper bag for her head, plastic would do .

I don't understand weemen sometimes as she got very angry (must have been her period) and she demanded I left, "But I haven't had a cup of tea yet" was my reasonable reply but Yanks are coffee drinkers and she didn't understand.

I strapped my wooden leg back on and I left, I would have taken the SUV but the engine had flooded when I mis-took the go pedal for the stop pedal and drove it into her swimming pool .

You live and learn, now I totally get it why Brad dumped her, ugly and crap in bed, I bet Angelina is hot stuff in the sack.

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A Bad Day For Posting

My horoscope in the sign of Gemini says I'm the life and soul of the party a great communicator but also not too deep , well communicate this fuck face what a load of blurt , I'm shy and withdrawn besides no one invites me to their parties once word gets around about me and deep? I'm so introspective my head is firmly up my hole, Old Knudsen's shite tastes like chicken in case you were wondering.

I think all Horoscopers, astrologers and astronomers are being used by the Devil to manipulate man-kind, by the Devil I mean Satan, Lucifer was a beautiful Scottish angel forever doomed to blog, not the same as Satan at all, hes a cunt.

With the Sun in bouncy Gemini and ends with it in emotionally sensitive Cancer. The buoyancy of the sign of the Twins is pumped up to higher than average levels when the New Moon in this sign occurs on June 3.

I doubt I'll get to pump these hot twins.

All this talk about bouncy twins getting pumped is kinda hot but will Old Knudsen see any of this? The fuck he will.
Who believes in this shit? I really can't believe that 20 million people have the same fortune everyday.

White people with dreadlocks what the fuck is that about ? You just know these two get stoned a lot.

Joyous conjunction of the Sun and Moon is joined by attractive, pleasure-seeking Venus, increasing the chances for fun in the weeks that follow. It's easy to connect with others on a superficial level, but deeper connections can be harder to make in commitment-phobic Gemini.

I have a pleasure-seeking penis that wants to connect with others on a superficial level as for commitment once I'm in something I never pull out until the job is done.

Potent Pluto, the mythological lord of the underworld, backs out of Capricorn on June 13 to make one last visit to Sagittarius through late November.

What? who the fuck decided that Mickey Mouse's dog was in charge of the underworld what about the Goddess Hel or Kate Beckinsale? and what the fuck does any of that mean?

I've said before that the most cruel joke that God has ever played was to make twins and to make them ugly.

The planet Pluto was discovered in 1930 does that mean that all predictions were wrong before that? Pluto isn't even a real planet now so why count it and what if there are other planets we don't know about? see? its all wrong and a load of crap.

Parts of this post came from Jeff Jawer a professional astrologer since 1973, his articles have appeared in astrology journals, magazines and Web sites around the world.


Some of my UFO stories have appeared on UFO web sites, that doesn't make them true you know.

He holds a B.A. in The History and Science of Astrology from the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and teaches and lectures both in the United States and abroad.


Still he finds time to make this shit up he should be a blogger. The science of Astrology nope I'm sure not believing that one.

Just because you use the word science doesn't make it real just ask a scientologist nah don't bother they are as dumb as a box of frogs.







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