Old Knudsen's film guide, All Shite!

Old Knudsen loves a good movie, not too long ago Britain was the king of making movies, I used to love the old Ealing films, Passport to Pimlico, The Ladykillers anything with Alec Guinness and Margaret Rutherford (she was hot) was class, they were creative and didn't have to milk world events to come up with an idea, even the Yanks had to come here to make Superman and Star Wars.

Theres a movie coming out about 9/11 staring Nicholas cage, called The Wicker Man, I think its about a Policeman that goes into the Twin Towers looking for a coven of naked frolicking witches, anyway I don't want to spoil the ending but don't expect a sequel. Movies about major events are usually pretty boring until something starts blowing up, you know the reason why you went to watch the film, Old Knudsen felt dirty and guilty when he went to watch The Passion of the Christ, firstly they put on the wrong version, it was all in Italian or some other dirty language, if I wanted to read for 2 hours, well not much chance of me doing that really, unless tricked by Mad Maxwell, friend of the Jews, I was sitting there missing half of the film cos I couldn't see what the boring fuckers were saying, I found myself heckling, "c'mon crucify the Jew boy, get on with it that's why we're all here right?", I immediately felt guilty and felt the flames of Hell licking my hole, or was it me hemorrhoids?, anyway, what a load of shite, I paid ten Quid for that?, or rather my son Trevor did, I'm like the Queen, I don't carry money, unlike her I do shit, twice a week whether I need it or not, and I'm like a peanut dispenser.

Back to another movie based on a major event, well Pearl Harbour wasn't exactly major now, well not for me anyway another 2 and a half hours of my life down the shitter, it had that nice young woman in it, Kate Bosworth, er maybe Beckinsale, one of those two, the daughter of the guy from Porridge that died young and spoiled that show for me, bastard. The film also had that fine actor um, jlo's ex boyfriend, check out the arse on her by the way, I'll say this for America, they build them fine and big. Again with that film, who gives a shit who is shagging who, its rated 15, its not like you'll see it, c'mon lets see the Germans bomb the fuck out of the Yanks, that's why anybody watched it after all, I want to see blood and guts and to see those lazy buggers get brought into the war, its a world war people, you were late for the first one also, get with the program, oh and no impregnating all our women and then taking credit for winning, where where you in 1940?, if only you had a war mad president with balls like you do now , oh yeah, he wouldn't have left his ally with his back to the wall alone, he would have said something like "get her done" I don't like Bush much (beady eyes) but FDR couldn't even be bothered to walk never mind enter the war.

What a blood thirsty lot we are, after all the blood and death we make a movie of it, whatever happened to heads on a spike as a trophy like in the olden days, now those were the days