Pick the Carrots out of this

Scotland is one of the highest places for Alcohol related harm, what the fuck does that mean?, are they saying that there are places that when you get pissed you don't cause harm?, must be in the south of England as they are all soft there, they all get drunk on 2 or 3 wine coolers and complement each others on how Mature they are, "no Victor, you are far more mature old chap, no Harold you are, no I insist", I reckon if that conversation happened in Scotland someone would justifiably get a bottle to the head.
They may be talking about people going to hospital for alcoholism, well if you bother the busy nurses with something like that you must be a wuss from Southern England, you only go to hospital if something is hanging off and you can't stitch it on yourself, don't forget to try staples before you give up and catch the bus to the hospital, don't get a taxi for fuck sake, those taxi driving wankers get very irritate when you cover their back seat in blood for other bodily fluids, the bus driver will hardly notice when you sit at the back, and don't drive, the last thing you need is to prang your car when you pass out through lack of blood, insurance is high enough these days, Old Knudsen will keep ya right.
If you are an alcoholic then my hat is off to you, so many people go to alcoholics anonymous, or as I call those silly buggers, 'Quitters' . The footballer George Best was a champion of the drinking world, he drunk himself out of a liver and then just had them put in a new one, that's what I call staying power and dedication.
Old Knudsen is funny, charming and God's gift to women when hes had a skin full, I am at my most irresistible just before my first vomit.
I have perfected the Rainbow Swirl while walking home or looking for somewhere to eat I'll stop and inform all the ladies I've picked up to stand back, then Old Knudsen projectile vomits and nods at the same time, the effect is a swirl of puke, its very dramatic, in slow motion it would be beautiful, if one thing impresses the ladies its a man in his prime like me decorating the road, Old Knudsen wants to know, who the fuck keeps putting carrots in my vomit?, and why do they go to all the trouble to dice them?, messing with my mind isn't nice , if I catch you I'll teach you about alcohol related harm.