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Friday, February 15, 2008

What Would You Pay For This Ring?


A Jacobite ring that bore a super secret cypher to prove the allegiance of its wearer to Bonnie Prince Charlie was sold for £12,200.


If you remember as well I as do cos I was there as mentioned in a previous post somewhere the little Italian fruit Bonnie Prince Charlie ran away at the battle of Culloden in 1746, back to the continent to drink, boast and live off the wealth of others and to become a romantic historical figure . Culloden was the last battle to be fought on British (or rather Scottish) soil.


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Obligatory Romantic Post

Fuck I hate Valentine's day mostly because people are obliged to become dickheads for a day. I was out yesterday and was nearly getting run over by the sad desperate people with their last minute buying any over priced thing with a heart on it, so fucking original.

Why not get the woman of yer dreams a gym membership or a boob job ? or the man of yer dreams an air freshener to shove up his hole so when he farts at the dinner table and during sex the farts come out lemon scented.

I refuse to be told by Hallmark when to love people, that includes weemen, mothers, fathers and those lazy bastards known as grandparents. What about secretary day? what makes them so special? I spent 40 years man and boy digging fucking ditches and I never got no ditch digger's day.

No idea why I was digging ditches but I felt something bad would happen if I didn't, you'd call it OCD now but back then we called it fucked in the head.

There already are special days when you tell people you love them and maybe get a shag, they're called weekends and its usually after 10 or so pints (anything after 10 I'm in a fighting mood than shagging mood) I might buy you a pernod and blackcurrant (a leg opener) but I'm no buying ya a chocolate rose ya fat cow.

Which brings me on to my next subject besides fucking chocolate heart buying sheep fooled into the money making schemes of big business based on a dirty Pagan Roman orgy festival and dressed up by the Pope to make Prods look soppy.

When you buy a can of Spaghetti hoops or baked beans on the front they have a picture of the item and its a plate of the said food and then it has the audacity to print 'serving suggestion' how else are you going to fucking eat them? stuff each Spaghetti hoop or bean with avo fucking cado?


The Black Kennedy


Its a little bit sickening to see the BBC reporters and their unbias gushing over Barack Obama. Over the past few months I've heard Bill Clinton being referred to as the 'First Black President' which obviously suggests that blacks shag all round them and lie.

Now I've heard Obama being called the 'The Black Kennedy ' and that I don't mind because look how they end up.

Isn't it a nice wee invite comparing a black bloke to a Kennedy and putting him up for president ? So Obama is a crooked womaniser ? you don't have to be a fortune teller to know how this one will turn out . Brains all over nice suits and another national hero to go onto t-shirts, you just know Denzil Washington will star in the film.

I see Obama more as a 'White Martin Luther King jr' says all the right lofty things that people like to hear but has no answers, that one ended the Kennedy way too, its yer destiny lad.


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Sharia Law This Shit Breath

Here is a tasteful piece of art for you to enjoy if you don't want to scroll doon and read about the Dresden bombing, I understand yer just a cunt. If yer done enjoying this art then go over to my news blog its got a couple of cracking good stories and the blog is a potential winner for Best pop culture blog in the Irish blog awards. If I win it I'm retiring from blogging and going into the mule skinning business or maybe I'll skate around Hell as that will be nicely frozen over.

Maybe A Firestorm Will Give Them Character

On this day 1945


One tactic used by the Royal Air Force and the United States Army Air Force in the second World War was firestorms. This was achieved by dropping incendiary bombs, filled with chemicals such as magnesium, phosphorus or petroleum jelly (napalm), in clusters over a target.

After the area caught fire, the air above the bombed area, become extremely hot and rose rapidly. Cold air then rushed in at ground level from the outside and people were sucked into the fire.

In 1945, British Air Marshall Arthur Harris decided to firestorm the medieval city of Dresden. It had not been attacked during the war and was virtually undefended by anti-aircraft guns.

On the 13th February 1945, 773 Lancasters bombed Dresden. Then the Americans sent over 527 heavy bombers to follow up the RAF attack. Its thought that 35,000 were killed but some German sources say it was over 100,000.
In Hamburg, two years before Dresden, at least 40,000 died, other cities laid waste in such a fashion and though it cannot be excused Britain was fighting for its very existence and had suffered its own blitz's at the hands of the Germans.

Winston Churchill later re-thought the whole carpet bombing strategy and had decided it wasn't worth the destruction as resources were short and how can they rebuild Britain when Germany has nothing to give to them?

People are disgusted that so many civilians were targeted as they are with the bombings of Japan. The Blitz of towns and cities in the UK between 7th September 1940 and 16th May 1941 killed 43,000 if you don't stop yer enemy it would be more and civilians do help with the war effort.

Kill the man who makes the bullets so the soldiers have nothing to fire, so-called innocents get in the way and that is one of the many unfortunate things about war.

If we had pounded the fuck out of the Germans in the first World War instead of just letting the troops go home with their rifles there might not have been a second world war, not the Germans piss themselves if you even say the word 'Nazi'. Would the war in Iraq be unwinnable now if the allies had pressed on and removed Saddam during the Gulf war? pulling out half-way through and leaving potential allies to be slaughtered is one way to fuck up a war 12 years later.

Here is the problem, not wanting to hurt the feelings of the bad guys. The Germans shouldn't have tried to invade the world and the Japs shouldn't have helped them. The Palestinians and the Lebanese shouldn't support terrorists, just because it paid off for Sinn Fein doesn't mean a thing they are white and semi educated and civilised nations abhor killing white people with access to a legal team.

You know in films when the good guy only wounds the baddie then the baddie comes back half-way through and really fucks things up? well that's what life is like, you kill yer enemy twice if possible, leaving wounded is for the weak.

When political correctness infects people common sense gets thrown out the window and rapists are put into open prisons where they can play the lotto and win 7 million pounds. Good things happen to good people because not enough enemies of society are put to death, instead they are let out because someone double booked the jail cell or had a Good Friday agreement .

Well done Air Marshall Arthur 'Bomber' Harris you are a true national hero.


Monday, February 11, 2008

Top Boob Inspector


During the Thatcher regime in Britain we enjoyed having a ton of horny Yank soldiers over, it almost reminded me of the war when I was selling an hour of my three sisters time for American nylons and chocolate, that was during my fat cross dressing phase that I don't want to talk about .
Retirement had bored me plus my sisters had seriously gone doon hill in the last 40 years so I signed up for the Killamory jet fighter school at the local US military base.

We all had to be given nicknames or call signs, I had a flatulence problem at the time so I was named 'Loosecannon' the navigator how would fly with me was named 'Duck.' One day we got a top flight instructor call signed Charlie. I was expecting some bloke to come walking in and what do you know I was right, he did have lovely long blonde hair though. Charlie went through a dog fight scenario and then asked what I would do, I frowned as if I was giving it some thought but really it was me hemorrhoids acting up and I answered "Kick his pan in" Charlie said that was too aggressive, too intense but I knew he liked me, in a strictly military way of course.


While flying with Duck on a training flight we spotted a couple of Zebulon fighter saucers, now those damned dirty aliens know better than to mess with Earth after the last time (The battle of Roswell 1947) but they were taking the piss. My instruments told me they had their space rays locked on and I couldn't avoid them so I shouted, "duck" and he said "what?" so I shouted "duck, duck!" but it was too late for Duck to duck and he got zapped, yep his goose was cooked alright.

The plane went out of control, I'm not violent by nature but I punched us out of the cock-pit, ever been punched in the cock-pit? its fucking sore, why do they make men's bikes with a high cross bar you can land on? designed by men-haters, er I mean feminists no doubt.

We landed in the freezing sea off the Scottish coast, the water would kill a Sassenach or Yank in 15 minutes but not me, being an old seman I tasted the water and I could tell what current I was in, I'd be close to land in about 6 hours, yay! oh they don't bother looking for us as their budget for the 'Killamory expendables' was quite limited. I held onto dear dead Duck and waited to drift home and hoped for his sake we'd get picked up before I got hungry.

Getting back to the base Charlie consoled me about losing Duck, no really the morgue lost him. I wanted to teach the Zebulons a lesson so after a BJ, shower, shite and shave I went looking for another plane. Stabber was recovering after a knife fight so I took his plane along with his navigator Emo. After hearing about how no one understands him and that he just doesn't like navigating he cares about it oh and don't forget the crying we took off in search of some revenge.

We jetted through the air and I shouted, "I feel the need, the need for some crack" but all Emo had were a few damp acid tabs so I took them.



On my CB radio I could hear there was a dogfight in progress, the Zebulons had cum out of the sun and shot doon Zipper, Ice-cream man was holding his own, I said, "we lose no more men today" and revved the plane up to 55 mph, I meant business.

Ice-cream man was panicking, "bogeys all over me" he shouted, I spoke up, "use yer sleeve like everyone else ya cunt" and set to work attacking the Zebulons. I shot doon two and the other three bugged out.

When we returned to base Ice-cream man came over to me and said "you! you can wipe my nose anyday" and placed a cap on my head that said Top Gun on it, I was able to exchange it for one that said "boob inspector."

Charlie got reassigned which is just as well I've had enough unhealthy relationships in my time, with my new hat I got all the pussy I wanted and weemen too.

I wrote a song about Charlie called, "Take my breath away" it was about how I was allergic to his aftershave and couldn't breathe.

I sold my story to some Yank with more money than sense, no idea why he wanted it of course I left out how we carpet bombed the Zebulon homeworld to stop their attacks, its hard to attack when you are neck high in carpets and the Zebulons aren't very tall.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

We Need A Bigger Blog


What a start to the new year, first Heath Ledger pops his clogs and now I find that Roy Scheider who was in two of my favourite films, Jaws and Marathon man has died aged 75. The funny thing is I had just used a jaws quote in the post on my news blog that would have been up when he died so the useless powers of psychic Blogjinx © are at it again, maybe its a message that the powers that be (and I don't mean the Diocese of Leeds) read my blogs and to keep at it. Who will be number three I wonder.

We all know that musicians, actors, politicians, I.T. technicians and bloggers are just totally self absorbed with the lint in their own belly buttons and its all about me me me and fucking memes, by the way I just got an award for being a fucking brilliant commenter I reckon I just keep getting better and better, well that's enough about me, what do you think about me?

Given to me by Witchypoo the Psychicgeek

Arnold Schwarzenegger has looked at himself and saw that his legacy is big muscles, groping weemen, marrying an ugly Kennedy (as if there are good looking ones) and bad acting.
Since being the Govenator of California he thinks his acting has improved so as well as a new Terminator film he will remake some of his old ones but with added depth only found with age.


Terminator 4 'Rise of the polls' even Cyborgs from the future can feel a tightness in their chests. "I vant your clothes, motorcycle and to kiss your baby."

Going Commando, one mans quest to find unsoiled underwear.

Conan The Geriatric "Gah! vhere ist my sword und glasses?"
.
Other movies due to get the special treatment will be:
.
Total Alzheimers
The Walker Man
End Of Rest Home Days
Tinkle All The Vay
 
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