I was walking doon the High street in my beloved Killamory when a black van pulled up along side me. The driver looked over and smiled and asked if I could help him find his puppy, I told him to fuck his puppy and that I had to get home to write a great blog post to keep my readers happy. He then said that he'd give me a lift and that my mother said it was ok, I wasn't sure but then he mentioned he had a bag of raspberry ruffles to share so I got in.
The van smelled like cheap perfume and stale cum, I didn't say anything cos I thought it might have been me. I looked for the bag of sweets and noticed 4 other men all wearing black dresses in the back of the van, I reached for the knife I carry doon my sock but before I could get to it a rope was pulled around my neck and a hood forced over my head, I felt as if I was being pulled from my seat into the back of the van. The rope was getting tighter and as I struggled the men all started to punch me and I became unconscious.
I woke up with a familiar smell in my nostrils a mix between shit and sulphur. Fear, terror, being a scared and sexual arousal hit me all at once like the outside air after drinking in a pub all night. I was in leeds.
The van smelled like cheap perfume and stale cum, I didn't say anything cos I thought it might have been me. I looked for the bag of sweets and noticed 4 other men all wearing black dresses in the back of the van, I reached for the knife I carry doon my sock but before I could get to it a rope was pulled around my neck and a hood forced over my head, I felt as if I was being pulled from my seat into the back of the van. The rope was getting tighter and as I struggled the men all started to punch me and I became unconscious.
I woke up with a familiar smell in my nostrils a mix between shit and sulphur. Fear, terror, being a scared and sexual arousal hit me all at once like the outside air after drinking in a pub all night. I was in leeds.
I hadn't been abducted by violent cross dressers it was far worse, it was Catholic priests. Those belonging to the Diocese of Leeds neo-Nazi Blogger suppressing cult. I had run into these cunts before with their legal attack dogs now they really wanted to shut me up.
My captors grabbed me and tied me to a cross and started to play Beatles songs as they began to fellatio me, no that's not right I hoped they would but they flagellated me instead which isn't the same.
I screamed "No more fucking overrated poppy hippy music" they hit me harder which was good as it took my mind of the tunes.
Suddenly every thing stopped. I could see out of the bottom of my hood another figure had joined us. I recognised his voice immediately it was my old Nemesis Bishop Cockroache. " See what we do to bad boys who sin Knudsen?" his voice was like a sticky shite that refused to be wiped clean. " You will tell me what your Blogger passwords so we can alter your blogs or you shall suffer."
My captors grabbed me and tied me to a cross and started to play Beatles songs as they began to fellatio me, no that's not right I hoped they would but they flagellated me instead which isn't the same.
I screamed "No more fucking overrated poppy hippy music" they hit me harder which was good as it took my mind of the tunes.
Suddenly every thing stopped. I could see out of the bottom of my hood another figure had joined us. I recognised his voice immediately it was my old Nemesis Bishop Cockroache. " See what we do to bad boys who sin Knudsen?" his voice was like a sticky shite that refused to be wiped clean. " You will tell me what your Blogger passwords so we can alter your blogs or you shall suffer."
You know me, I laugh in the face of danger so I said, "Away and fuck ya Fenian Cocksucker is it not about time for the schools to get out?" Cockroache must have gestured cos the air was suddenly filled with Lucy in the sky with diamonds, I screamed like a pretty boy in prison. "Ok ok its 'pissflaps' I use that on all of my blogs cos I can't remember anything."
I also gave them my bank pin number and all the secrets about my fellow bloggers that have been stupid enough to trust me , they didn't ask for that stuff but its good to talk.
Cockroache chuckled, yet again he thought he had me beat but you should never underestimate the Knudsen. He said "Kill him" and turned around and walked off.
The hench priests started to beat me with their fists and bamboo canes, in between hits I mentioned what a waste it was to kill a fella with such a fine looking arse without taking him up the bum first.
They hesitated, one of them in an English accent said, "I only rape young boys hes not my type, " and an Irish accent then said, " Father Tommy you're just so gay sometimes, it is a fine arse though a sin to let it go to waste ," the other priests agreed and they started to untie me.
That was it, feigning weakness I slumped and removed my artificial leg, I was still hooded but I had once did a 3 day Ninja course with the CIA so I could fight in the dark and these cunts were in my killing zone. My leg shoot out with the fury of a PMSing woman without chocolate, I only wish I could see their faces as they died.
I stood there wobbling, the adrenaline coursing in my body and I removed my hood, I was in some kind of tent. I put on my leg and ran out. I saw Cockroache and he saw me, he jumped upon a powerful motor bike and took off at speed, luckily there was another one so I straddled that one, its cold seat shriveling my bollocks.
After a boring motorcycle chase with improbable stunts and the firing of lots of automatic weapons the Bishop escaped in an awaiting helicopter as I stood on the ground shaking my fist at him vowing revenge an armed police team surrounded me with their weapons drawn as a naked man shaking his fist at a helicopter could very well be connected to Al Qaeda.
I showed them my security clearance that was tattooed on the inside of my lip only to be told it was out of date due to lack of payments and I was taken into custody.
Well my dear friends that's my story, I talked the peelers into letting me change my passwords and got bailed out by agent Sax, a beautiful leggy blonde from the CIA , he has never let me doon yet.
Someday Cockroache we shall meet again...............
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