The Queen's English.

Old Knudsen writes the way he wants to but due to the tremendous rise in popularity in the colonies I now have to explain some of the words and phrases I use, so try to keep up, there will be a test later, I know what these words mean in American, heres what they really mean to the civilized world.

Firstly Bitter Balls, nothing to do with my nads, it denotes a person that will keep a grudge or hatred fresh and alive as if it just happened yesterday.

'Catch yourself on' and 'wise up' both mean don't be so stupid.

'Go for your tea' = to fall over, I was walking down the street and I went for my tea.

'Drinking as in Drunk' its always about alcohol, alcohol is life.

'Hit and Miss' = piss
'Taking the piss/taking the Mickey' = to make fun of someone or taking something too far.
I took the piss out of my friend for saying something stupid.
One hour before finishing work my boss gave me a load of extra work, that was really taking the piss.
Piss = urine, ' I pissed' is past tense.
Piss take = to make fun off
I was pissed = I was drunk
I was pissed off = I was angry
Being pissed = still means drunk my friend
On the piss = out on the town drinking, out on the tear.
Pisshead = a useless person

Fanny = vagina, blurt or Cunt
Fanny pad = what women wear in their knickers on their period or when the painters are in, or during ragweek or when they get a visitor from America.
Fanny pack = means beat me up I'm a tourist, its called a bum bag.

Gunties = knickers

A full stop = what Yanks call a period in punctuation.
Old Knudsen thinks punctuation is for the weak.

Lad/todger = penis
Chips = french fries
Crisps = chips
Braces = suspenders or the things that people with goofy teeth put onto their teeth to straighten them, a retainer is a servant.
Suspenders = part of sexy lingerie
Trousers = pants
Pants = knickers
Jumper = sweater
Football = soccer
American football = a gay American version of Rugby for players afraid to get hurt.
Petrol = gas
Gas = what makes you fart
Gift = someone that is easily fooled or very gullible.

Now for the test.

#1 Martha Stewart was the wife of A. George Washington or B. James Stewart?.

#2 On the TV show Captain Pugwash there was a character called Roger the cabin boy, true or false?.
#3 What is your Bank account number?.

#4 Spotted dick effects which part of the body?.

#5 What is your social security number?.

#6 In what year was the War of 1812 fought?.

#7 Cheese is to cheese grater as my penis is to what?.

#8 Will these questions ever stop?.

#9 Where has the love gone?.

#10 Name the state to the south of North Dakota.