A few years back I was approached by a Government official to do a study on what resources could be harvested from the human body to enable field agents to stay behind enemy lines long after their food had run out.
Now I can't say which government he was from as I would be putting my life and yours at risk due to the fact that its still classified and being used today, ah fuck it, I don't even like you cunts, its the Yanks, they paid me a nice big amount to do it, well it seemed like a nice big amount until I converted it into pounds, you cow pokers and your Monopoly money.
During the war when we had the rationing, you remember that don't you yanks? you could only have 4 meals a day instead of 8 , well in Britain all we had to eat and drink was Tea (of course) Brown Paper, Tripe, and lard served on pieces of wood as there wasn't any bread, it wasn't much so we all sang a song to cheer us up.
We got no food but that's ok
Tomorrow is another day
Hitler won't you leave us be
Lets all have a cup of tea
tum diddly um tum NICE TEA!
It was originally 23 verses which I'll put up for you to liven up yer parties, we knew how to have fun back then.
We would spice up the soggy woodchips we ate for breakfast with some freshly picked Dingle berries, it would bring an unexpected tart flavour to your meal, that was only one of the bodies' forgotten orchards, no wonder the Yanks came to me, I know the old ways.
Belly buttons and between your toes were only good if you're a large family, (to thicken up sauces and the like) eating some strangers toe jam would be disgusting.
A soldier on the move may need a quick energy boost, if he (I'll say 'he' as weemen have no business being soldiers) has time to wank and eat his jizz then that's fine, you just have to put in the manual (as in handbook) that its not gay, its survival damn it.
If the trooper is on the run with the enemy closing in he won't have time to pull out his handbook and tug the lad so he should just wipe around his scrote and lick it off his fingers like KFC (just as much nutritional value) and you can do it on the move. Before you ship out spread some Vaseline around your bits and more food will be collected, a feast to be sure.
Eating shit is just disgusting (trust me on this) what are we animals or something? no we stay away from Poo Poo.
Now Piss can be used for condensed soups and Pot Noodles, once you try it, its difficult to stop.
The next and most important supply of renewable food would come from the nose, for some reason society has deemed it inappropriate to remove items from your nose with your finger and either wipe it on a wall or flick it, that crap started with the Victorians, those wankers wouldn't let you do anything fun.
For centuries Johnny Black fellow has been walking about living off the land and his own body, his tight muscular arse couldn't grow Dingleberries very well so his nose became his lunchbox, eat it right away and its like escargot or oysters , let it dry and it becomes crisp like (chips to the uneducated colonists)
Ear Wax and Hair Grease is good to keep your rifle working well or to cook with.
At the end of Old Knudsen's study he found the scummier the soldier the longer he would last, no skin flake or eye booger should be wasted.
If the Irish had some discipline and didn't turn on their own all the time, they would be the perfect soldier as being dirty shites is in their blood, a high compliment for me to give.
The picture to this post is Mr Bush showing a soldier what he picked from the part between his own Balls and his arse, otherwise known as the Barse, inspired leadership.
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