You may of heard in the news about the journalist Anna Politkovskaya being assassinated by a Russian Hitman, these guns for hire aren't new, they have killed several high profile people over the past few years and are the current epidemic to hit Russia since David Hasslehoff and his car with the fruity voice defeated the communists .
These Killers or Keelers as they are called in Russia come from out of work KGB or other military, which means they are bad bastards,even the lowest of the soldiers and the least trained in combat, cooks, still tough as fuck, Russian army cooks don't use oven mitts, oven mitts are for the weak pussy westerners, as is washing their hands, no offense if any ex army cooks are reading, ah fuck yous , I bet you didn't eat your own cooking, they put stuff in the tea you know so you don't get stiffies. On a side note, before these gourmet rations that you just add water too and you have a Christmas dinner in a packet, we had cans of pate with crackers and mystery meat cans of stew, these were designed to bung you up so you'd only shit once a week, this means more fighting men at the ready, sneaky cunts,I pity the special forces who have to shit into bags and carry it with them so the enemy can't stick their finger in it and say, "2 hours old, tastes like *chips*, must be British SAS, they went that way" .
Old Knudsen's (remember me?) career as a bodyguard literally went up in smoke, it just didn't pan out for me, all politics, so in the early 80's I enrolled in a 'Keeler for hire' course down in Somerset, lovely country, plenty of sun too. It was run by an ex KGB assassin named Mikhail, he was a wiry wee shite but solid, ugly as fuck with an expression as if he was about to fall asleep or always drunk, a keeler's lust for keeling is only matched by his lust for strong foul smelling cigarettes, he seemed to always have a lit one in his mouth at all times, even when he took his respirator (gas mask) off after being in a room full of CS gas a lit cigarette would still be in his gob, I once asked if he ever felt like stopping, he flew into a rage and screamed, "I'm not a weak quitter I never give up, quitting is for losers " , after that I didn't really engage in small talk anymore.
What did I learn at my camp for Keelers?
I learnt to size up every room I enter, where the exits are, is there any alcohol, and who is more likely to buy a round and who is not, those that do not return the favour of round buying are subhuman scum and should be squashed.
I learnt that a true Keeler doesn't use mixers, and can get his hole anywhere from anything with his Keeler charm, I learned what parts of my body could be used as weapons, for instance if your leg gets blown off it then makes an excellent club, Mikhail taught me that only the weak pass out through lack of blood, I think he may be right.
During that rugged tough 3 day course I put my body through things I never thought I could, I stood in line at Tescos and never once complained about only two cashiers open during lunch time, I smiled and listened as a Jehovah Witness and his lurker Witness told me about their religion and only gave positive polite replies, my mind was becoming disciplined, my body had become rock hard from all the coughing I was doing from Mikhail's smoking, I was a trained Keeler.
Not everyone passed, we lost some good men on the explosives part of the course, and some good fingers (fingers, a good weapon for throwing if nails are long) thankfully bullets are expensive and we only got three each, but one bullet was all Sweaty Bert needed, I told him to wipe off his hands before he loaded his weapon, no one listens to Old Knudsen and those that do usually regret it.
I got a certificate and a t-shirt, and I was a disciplined buff Keeling machine, who would employ me?, let me think the Argies needed some help after getting their arses kicked during the Falkland Conflict, that's what happens when you let ex Nazis train your army, Iran as usual were the bad guys but those crazy fuckers have no Keeling pride, 'he that Keels and runs away lives to Keel another day' you don't blow yourself up (on purpose) how stupid would you have to be? that's a rhetorical question so don't bother, the Yanks are always stirring shit and shooting people, nah I'm not working for those bastards after they embarrassed me with the whole Kennedy thing, LBJ you wanker, they could of let me in on it.
I found myself working for a large company, Tescos, stacking shelves, well it was a start.
*For those that don't speak English, Chips = French Fries, Freedom Fries to you Bitter Balls*
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