Revelations.

Many people may suspect this but Old Knudsen is being kept alive by the power of voodoo and the application of strong spirits yes Whisky not ghosties and ghoulies and longlegged beasties unless of course you mean Charlize Theron, oh that one night with her, I was fucking brilliant, I was too busy watching myself in the mirror to hit record on me camcorder, now that gurl has legs all the way up to her arse but Old Knudsen doesn't kiss and tell, e-mail me and I'll sell you an exclusive story.
Where does this voodoo stand with Old Knudsen's strict Presbyterian beliefs? well I asked Jesus for help, he kinda shrugged and said,"I'm a carpenter if you wanted a coffee table no probs", fucking sandal wearing long haired hippy, so then I ended up with the Voodoo god Dambolla, I have to make the odd sacrifice and bathe in the blood of young runaways to stay as young and handsome as I am, a little price to pay.

Well I got this letter from a Psychic the other day, I can't remember contacting one in the first place so that's incredible, or it was that night I was really pissed, and passed out while I was surfing the interweb, if I e-mailed you its all rubbish and I'm not into that.
It was from Ms Ibis, definitely not a Scottish name (like Knudsen is?) heres how it started.

Sweet Jesus Soren
Your troubles cause me great pain and anguish.
You have such a sharp mind and so much inner beauty. Your problems are not only unfair, they are crimes against God. I'll solve your problems or live in eternal shame.

She knows me so well, its like she looked into my life, you fuckers never say anything nice like that.
It seems that on 2nd November Old Knudsen is proper screwed, I must get under her protection to avert disaster, real danger, behind this is an evil force, extremely powerful and heinous, who can it be? Foot Eater the body stuffer? -no- Dr Maroon the more famous and less crazy jock? -no- Sammy the crazed firebombing shirt-lifter? could be.
I am really worried, how can she know something is going to get me unless she really is psychic? she seemed to be really interested in helping me and even called me her friend.
Ms Ibis if that really is her name (fuck I hate fakes) put a 'Fiery wall of Protection' around me and Archangel Michael and his 6 mates will help out also, all I have to do is say a prayer on a card and return it with £42.00 to help with the cost of supernatural intervention, and she will say a prayer on the 2nd Nov to fortify the spell, she sent me a list of candles and oils she used and other ingredients,I remember back in the day all you had to do is kill a small dragon and its heart would aid you in all your magical needs, now its expensive, she even knew I'd need an envelope to send it in (must of forgotten the stamp) I can't risk the evil getting me on the 2nd, she said she'd perform a miracle for me on the 17th November well I'm getting my money sent off right away so I get my miracle, if I don't make it through the 2nd Nov, I just want you all to know, you're a fucking pack O'Hoors.