Hands Off Our Islands You Latin Twats.

Up until recently I thought the words to this Evita song were "don't cry for me Argentina, the truth is I never loved you".
I did think it was a strange and cruel line considering the context but as everyone knows Argentina is a cunt, those fray Bentos loving bastards that let all the Nazis move there after the Second World War and then got them to train their army (because Germans are such winners) and then theres the Falkland Islands.

A meat pie in a tin, you can even get curry flavour.

The Argies all fired up on Tequila or lighter fluid or whatever they drink doon there decided that the Falkland Islands were theirs and they could beat GREAT Britain or at least make them back doon, they puffed out their chests in a show of Machismo rounded up the islanders and raped the sheep and worse of all, touched our very own Flag.
The Falkland Islands had been British since 1833, though 99% of British people had never heard of them, but as national pride was at stake in April 1982 we went 7500 miles out of our way to kick some Latin speaking Gluteus Maximus (well they do live in Latin America)

The main ingredient in Fray Bentos meat pies.

Even though the Americans were highly amused at the whole thing Ronald Reagan did offer the services of America's greatest hero Johnny Rambo, after being informed 'again' that Rambo is a fictional character and Stallone shat himslf when he thought he was going to war Reagan then offered to go down on Maggie Thatcher, she blushed giggled and said ok.

Rambo ready to draw first blood, and paper cuts do count.

Reagan was an old senile ape lover, I'm an old senile monkey lover, apes don't have tails, when I suggested in my Meme that I would put my monkey Wanker down I got tons of angry e-mails ----- not! you monkey hating fuckers, not one of you cared about poor old wanker with the mange and the worms, not a one, go and feed him a banana and say sorry to him, and Kieran ever since you turned up again wanker has started to shake and have bad dreams, I know what you're doing .

One of the best shows ever, you monkey hating bastards.

I was quite old back then but my skill at being a survey administrator was needed, that's the politically correct way of saying 'Interrogator and torturer' , we hadn't tortured anyone since the 1950's, well there was the Irish terrorists but those sickos enjoyed it, you tell them that unless they talk you're going to take them up in a helicopter and throw them out, oh they talk alright with a big smile they say,"I've always wanted to go up in one of dem tings, do ya tink we'll see my house?"


Obviously a real Oirish person.

I sailed down to the Falkland Islands on HMS Fearless with the Royal Marine Commandos , like American Marines but with brains and better training, no college crap for them our people join just so they can kill for their country.
Some words and names that came out at that time .
Yomping which meant to walk over rough terrain , place names like Goose Green and Port Stanley, the civilian cruise ship Canberra was used to move troops and had a reality show filmed on it.
The Exocet missile was the Falkland's answer to the Scud of the Gulf war.

The deadly Exocet missile, of that I'm pretty sure.

Prince Andrew served aboard the HMS Invincible as a helicopter pilot, he used to give me a ride aboard his big chopper loads of times and only once on his helicopter.
Even as a survey administrator I killed my fair share of Argies, it was just like when I had a hamster if you forget to feed them they die, a tough lesson to learn, for them not for me I was well fed.

Prince Andrew on the right.

June 2007 is the 25th anniversary of the Falklands conflict and I would like to know this, why has there only been crappy dramas starring Colin or Peter firth? you know someone unrecognizable and instantly forgettable, where is our major motion picture? Brits can only make war films about Americans as they have all the money but Ridley Scott got around that with Black Hawk Down by filling the cast with a lot of Brits and one Australian as fake
Americans, the film was about a political abduction and then a gun battle which the Americans lost, c'mon we won our war, sure Black Hawk Down is a cool film but my post tramatic stress disorder flared up after watching it, I had to get cream for it.

My name is Gluteus Maximus, commander of the armies of the North and my phone doesn't work.

I have never watched Evita,Julie Covington had the biggest hit with Don't cry for me Argentina in 1976 but that Elaine Paige was a right bit of stuff, Sarah Brightman is a minger that shags werepigs and Madonna has got too much Y chromosome for my liking. I really don't care for all that Andrew Lloyd Webber crap and it was annoying that don't cry for me Argentina was stuck in my head, but then it clicked.
"Don't cry for me Argentina, the truth is I never left you".
Now that makes a lot more sense.



Elaine Paige OBE, she must drink the blood of young runaways to stay young like Old Knudsen does.



Conclusion , we defeated the Evil Empire of Argentina and put a stop to their plans for world domination, the sheep are safe once again, unless we send in the Welsh Fusiliers to protect them.