Just Who Am I ?

Me in my Vanilla sky mask, just because I cum in yer mouth doesn't mean I love you, in fact I might not even like you.

Years back I lost something very important, I lost my identity. It was a Sunday night and I had gone to bed after taking my usual almost lethal doze of alcohol and pain killers and I was dead to the world.

My then wife Rose was out on a date so I had the hoose to myself which is sometimes necessary to maintain a good marriage as we all need our space .

I had a terrible dream that I was being ripped apart by vultures then there were two disabled midgets having sex nearby , It was all very odd.
I woke up with my usual huge morning erection, I was going to see if Rose was a wake but she was busy in the bed beside me with her boyfriend so I watched.

Remember the mini series "V" ? I don't care if Diana was an alien she could swallow my hamster any day.

He was humping away and she was about to cum as she was making those monkey lips she does then all of a sudden the boyfriend turns his head to look at me and it was me.

I screamed, Rose screamed and me, er the other me told me to get out or he'd call the police.

I tried to convince Rose that I was her husband but she was fixated on the impostors giant manhood that put my huge wab to shame.

I glanced in the mirror and to my horror my face had been peeled off in the night, I grabbed some clothes, the impostor was phoning the police while wearing me cap so I legged it.

My eyes were weeping non-stop due to lack of eyelids young children screamed as they saw me and burst into tears now I knew how it felt to be a priest.

I stopped into the local nerd shop and bought a Micheal Meyers mask, I believe that's the cunt that does the Austin Powers films, if hes going to do an Ogre with a Scottish accent he had better throw in the odd F-word to make it a bit more realistic, "Go fuck ya self donkeey or I'll kick yer shite in."

Walking around with my mask on I felt like Tom Cruise in Vanilla sky but a bit taller.

I walked into the police station and told the desk officer that I was Old Knudsen and my identity had been stolen.

Those dopey fuckers didn't believe me as not only did I not look like him I wasn't wearing a cap, yep they had me there alright.

I went into the branch of my local bank which was the Trustee Savings Bank or the TSB, they had a catchphrase that went "The bank that likes to say yes!" so I'd phone them up and ask them for sexual favours but they never did say yes ever. Its funny, when I go into shops or banks the staff disappear and I always get served by the manager as I must be an important client but this time I got Rita with the tight fuzzy jumper on.

I told her my story and to look for any strange activity on my account, the fucker had ran up a £500 sex toy bill and a £100 in porno mags so that didn't look very suspicious to Rita at all then she saw it.

The creep had bought a pair of £120 Ugg boots, identity thieves can't resist the Ugg boots, no taste what so ever, she called the manager over who then questioned me about what threats I had made to him over the past 8 years and how many times had I tried to rob the place.

He then called the police who took me a bit more seriously and they matched my DNA and finger prints against the sex offenders data base, a complete misunderstanding as to why to this day I'm still in the data base as I swear she said she was 16.

We raced round to my hoose and kicked in the door, it wasn't locked but its police procedure.

The impostor was sitting in my chair drinking my beer and watching the match as Rose served him scones while she wore just a pair of crotch less edible panties (you really don't want to eat them after Rose has worn them) two officers grabbed the impostor and stood him before me, I said "now lets see who you really are" I grabbed my face and pulled it off to reveal none other than Billy one ear, no wait a minute I grabbed his face again and pulled, it was Hannibal Hector from the bookies, no wait I grabbed it again and Hannibal screamed like he was in labour (he actually voted Tory) "sorry Hanny" I said, they clapped the handcuffs on him and he said, "I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you pesky old men."

I wasn't sure if Rose was in on it as she went missing soon after, there have been reports of her getting sold in Morocco but I don't want any publicity about it as I just want to get on with my life, the life I had to fight to reclaim.